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A Face Only a Lover Will Love

May 3, 2010

Let me begin with a disclaimer on this post. I ,Thinkinfyou isn’t and has never been one of those girly girls that is totally disgusted by porn. In fact there was a time, that I could sit through a minute or two of a XXX movie without complaining about the total lack of plot ,or screaming with amazement at the abilities of a really good squirter….I still think that shit has to be staged,nobody has that much talent.

Today though ,I just can’t bring myself to watch porn,no matter if it has a super soaker in it or not.  Now I know what you’re thinking ” Well maybe you’ve just finally matured Thinkinfyou and now realize that porn isn’t good for anyone!” and if you think that,well you are wrong. My dislike for porn doesn’t have anything to do with maturing . I’ve come to the conclusion that this is about as mature as I’m going to get and I’m OK with that. What I’m not OK with and has fuel my desire to swear off porn forever is the horrible faces people make in them right before the money shot. They totally killed my XXX viewing pleasure.OK,so maybe that picture is a little exaggerated,but honestly have you ever really studied the face of a porn star,or anyone who’s having sex for that matter? If you haven’t trust me,it’s not pretty. Don’t believe me? Fine, I have some examples to prove my theory against porn. Let’s take the latest sex tape everyone is talking about, The Chelsea Chelsea Banged a Wang tape. Now , I normally love Chelsea Handler . I think she’s quite funny,but one look at her fuck face and well…there’s just nothing funny about it.It’s just sad, really sad.Sad because I look at her face and after I grab and cover my burning eyes for a couple minutes screaming “MY EYES ,MY EYES” I started to think of all the potential lovers that will never want anything sexual to do with her again because they have seen and are scarred by her fuck face too. Now, I think she knows that ,so has since come out and  said that the whole sex tape thing was a joke,but you can tell by that picture that is an authentic fuck face,you can’t fake that shit. And if she was really going for a funny sex tape I think she would have had enough sense to have  have sex with Chuy. The oddity of it would have drawn people’s eyes away from her fuck face,plus I think she’d have made a lot more money from the tape too because let’s face it people love midgets!

But Chelsea isn’t the only person with an horrendous FF.I believe we are all cursed with ugly fuck faces in the heat of the moment.Never looked at yourself doing the deed  and don’t believe you could look that bad? Go have sex in front of a mirror,and don’t try to fake it to make yourself feel better,that doesn’t count. Don’t feel like having sex,but still want to see if you have an ugly fuck face? Well, you could always go and stuff your mouth full of anything that is near,it will give you the same effect. Because I truly think that all the orifices in our bodies must be wired to mimic one another when filled. Seriously…Take a look at the guy above.What do you see? I bet you think that he is having one major nic fit,OR is he really getting a huge hit to the sphincter!?!I guess we will never know because the face is the same either way.

How about this innocent woman,is she just enjoying all that mixed parts goodness,OR is someone underneath tickling her naughty bits?You see what I’m talking about now, you know you do! I guess this is why your mother told you not to talk with your mouth full. Not because it’s a nasty disgusting habit where  people can see your food,but because they can also see your fuck face,and that’s just not right.I personally believe fuck faces should be kept private, and only to be shared between two people who love one another. Not to be broadcast for all the world to see because honestly, a fuck face is a face only a lover could love.

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Putting A Dick in Addiction

April 3, 2010

Lately I have been doing something I never do…watching the news. Now, normally none of  my attention is given to any suit wearing shit spewer on the airways,but walking by the television the other day I heard one of them talking about SEX,and I can’t deny that my ears perked up a little and were filled with the biggest line of  bullshit I ever heard.

Come to find out poor Tiger Woods and Jesse James,you  know the two “stars” of late that have been caught dipping their dicks into any open hole, are not the self absorbed adulterers that you would think. NO! According to the national news, they are actually just two sad souls suffering from  “Sex Addiction”! Sniff, sniff.. Do you smell that? Smells like bullshit to me!
Let’s look at the definition for the word “Addiction.”
ad·dic·tion
/əˈdɪkʃən/ Show Spelled[uh-dik-shuhn]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

“That its cessation causes severe trauma”,it doesn’t say who has to suffer trauma, but I’d bet my teeth the trauma isn’t suffered by the “addict”.I think it’s just shameful our society has decided to give out an excuse for bad behavior instead of  letting consequences for them to play out.
The idea that perplexes me most with this “addiction” is, how do you go about recovering from it? With drug addiction, you have to sustain from doing drugs ever again, even if you go in for a major surgery you cannot have any hard narcotics afterward, no matter the pain you’re experiencing.

So do they tell sex addicts that they can never have sex again?Like that will happen! Give me a break! Even though I have never been blessed/cursed with dangleage hanging from my body, I know that,if you have a penis, you will beat it like it owes you money whenever you can,and spend the rest of your time seeking willing holes!

It’s a fact! There is no way that you can expect any living breathing thing to not act on their sexual desires for the rest of their lives,and I’m sure there are two hundred deaf boys that would agree with me! 
Personally, I think they both just suffer from being A DICK,not  an addiction!

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Getting To Know You, Pretend Edition

February 22, 2010

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted a “Getting to Know You” segment for my dear readers,and it’s not because I’ve lost interest in learning all the lovely details that make you, YOU. But if truth be told it’s because I’ve been busy not letting people get to know me on other internet sources.
Confused? Here let me explain. OK, so you know how  I LOVE the internet , right? And not just for the plethora of weird porn that you can find with just the click of a button, although that is a perk. No, the biggest reason why I love the internet is because it allows you to be all you can be without having to join the Army.

And it takes no time at all because if you can type it you can be it. Now, I know what you are thinking, Thinkinfyou  seems like she has it all together,well except for that weird porn thing. Why would she want to be something she is not!?! Well ,the only way  I can answer that for you, is by telling you all about a life long wish of mine… you see I like most people, have  always wanted to be deaf.Yep, you heard me right, I really wish sometimes I couldn’t hear. Seriously, I don’t see being deaf as a handicap, but more like a super power. Don’t want to listen to your children fighting? BAM! Turn on the deafness! Some fucker annoying the hell out of you with a story they’ve told you numerous times before? WHAM! Turn into Deaf Girl! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
I’ve been known to turn into Deaf Girl myself a time or two. My favorite time to put on my deaf girl cape is when strange guys think it’s cool to catcall me,yelling and whistling at me ,while we are stopped at a stop light.I hate that shit,but instead of getting angry or flipping them off, I just turn on my super deaf powers and talk back to them in my best deaf girl voice saying I can’t hear you while pointing to my ears,fake signing at them. Ahhh! The looks on their faces when they realize they’ve been fucking with the handicap is always priceless!
Playing deaf has always been a fun pastime for me,and I brought my love for it to my internet interactions just recently with excellent results. I no longer have people wanting to get to know me better.Once I tell them I’ve been a mute since birth,they tend to not have anything to say back,but it’s not like I would have HEARD them if they did!
Now that I’ve let you in on my internet pretend play time, I ask you, do you ever try to be something you’re not online?

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The Path to Peace is Paved With Needles!

February 19, 2010

So as you all know last week I went to the doctor’s office  and got a clean bill of health,but what I didn’t tell you in my last post was that I told my doctor at that appointment that I felt I was ready to get off the anti depressant she put me on for my panic disorder a year ago. I just honestly HATE the side effects these types of  drugs give me,they are sometimes worse than the panic disorder itself. I’ve experienced everything from night sweats, weight gain,weight loss, total loss of my short term memory,fatigue,bruxism, and the scariest of them all, suicidal thoughts on one anti depressant that came close to action when taking it about five years ago.

Dealing with panic disorder isn’t fun but I’ve dealt with it long enough to know when it’s time to take a different approach in treating it. When I told the doctor about my desire,she proceeded say to me, ” Well OK, but you’ve got to promise me if you kill yourself, you’ll call me before you do.”  Fuckin C U Next Tuesday! I couldn’t believe she would say this to me,and that the precise moment I KNEW I was doing the right thing getting off the anti depressant and trying a different path to peace.

Today I took my first steps down that new road when I went and had my first acupuncture treatment done. I will admit I was quite apprehensive at first thinking, who in their right mind goes in willingly to have someone treat you like a human pincushion!?!
But my fears melted soon after the first needle went into my skin. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t hurt at all,in fact it felt quite relaxing. Before long I had twelve needles embedded in my skin,and I was encompassed with a sense of calm and serenity that I haven’t felt for years.I loved it so much that I have another appointment scheduled for next week!
The office that I went to offers all different types of holistic treatments  and I’m open and excited to try some of them, except the one that they suggested I try next…..colon hydrotherapy! YIKES!!

You see ,I’m not sure I’m ready to introduce my asshole to complete strangers carrying penetration tubes….it’s not a very friendly nor social orifice,and I sort of like that about it! But if the day does come that me and my asshole decide to take the plunge, I promise to post all about it. Just be on the look out for the post titled ” And They All Said I Was Full Of Shit!”

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Bored Out of My Mind!

February 12, 2010

OK,call me a dumbass, I deserve it! I went back to the doctors today,you know the one that nasally molested me,and was so amazed with my new breasts, I swear she almost licked my nipple. Well, I went in to see her today,just for a normal check up ,and after waiting TWO HOURS in her waiting room, I got sent back into a exam room to wait for two more fucking hours!?! Needless to say,over that time period I got extremely bored. So I decided to take my medical needs into my own hands and give myself an exam.
From what I could see, my tongue looked healthy and pink. So then I tried to test my balance by standing on the doctors stool on one leg….I think Mr. Miyagi would have been proud of my skills.
At least until I hit the wall,and broke the stool!
After that I felt a little dizzy but still bored ,so I decided to make some balloons. I figured maybe if there were other balloons in the room,the doctor would not be so obsessed with the ones on my chest.
But I think I went a little too far with the balloon making too.
Overall,the visit was a successful one because besides a terminal case of doctor’s office boredom, I got a clean bill of health!

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Caught in a Bad Romance!

January 28, 2010

I’ve been channeling my inner rock star lately,and I’ve decided that if I could be anyone, I would want to be Lady Gaga. Hands Down!!

I am obsessed with her song “Bad Romance.” Every time I turn it on, I find myself dancing, mimicking the whole video. You should see me… my moves are pretty impressive!
I don’t care if my children don’t agree and  have thought a time or two that their mother was  having a seizure or something.They say I scare them,and I need to stop. But I  tell them just wait till mommy get her hands on a fire bra,then you’ll have a reason to be scared.
Until then, get used to it! Cause I’m a freak bitch baby!

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Is There Life After The Internet?

January 21, 2010

I’m not even going to try to calculate up how long it’s been since my last post. No, I’m not! Because all that will do is piss me off again about the reason for my absence.
I don’t know about you but I absolutely HATE my internet provider! Comcast sucks a big ass! I have had little to no service for almost a month now. They have sent over three different technicians to help rectify my problem. The first one came into my home speaking little to no English,which I’m going to assume is why he didn’t tell me that while he was up in my attic , he stepped wrong and now my ceiling has a huge crack in it! That man left me wishing I would have listened a little better in Spanish class and learned how to say “Fuck You Pedro” in a way he could understand it!
The second tech I had hopes for. The way he swaggered into my home,speaking my language and assuring me that my internet problems would soon be over. I bought into it,hook,line and sinker. Until an hour after he left my connection went completely dead. UGH!
I wanted to scream,but more than anything I wanted my internet back,slash that, I NEEDED my internet back. Without it these last couple of weeks, I had no idea what to do with myself. It’s been so long that I’ve been an internet junkie ,I can’t recall what I use to do with my time before it.
The first week while I waited patiently for Pedro’s arrival, I kept myself in denial. I thought surely if I pressed the Firefox button harder that miraculously my precious internet would appear,and honestly a couple of times that did work. When it would,it would throw me into a typing frenzy, typing in all my favorite websites,and opening numerous tabs to hold them all. I would start to feel like life was going back to normal,smiling and feeling content,only to have that happiness ripped from me when the page would refresh and come back up with “SERVER NOT FOUND”! Every time that would happen, I would want to hit someone or something,and after a couple of days the server wasn’t the only thing that couldn’t be found. My family,and small animals were no where to be found either.
Feeling lonely and trying to come to terms with the fact that my internet was gone, I decided to try and remember what I use to do B.I (before internet). It all seemed like such a distant memory, like when I use to leave my house,or talk to people using my mouth and not a keyboard. Surely these things had to be so outdated and useless now. I really felt like Helen Keller as  I tried to go back to the olden days and reacquaint myself with things and people outside my virtual world.Praying the whole time,that a Anne Sullivan type would come in and teach me how to live in this strange world , a world that certainly did not get my humor like my virtual world did.
The sadness of the whole situation was about to overwhelm me,when there was a knock at the door,and minutes later my prayers were answered. For who stood behind that door was a cable guy that actually KNEW what he was doing,and restored my internet service and my life back to normal. :o)