Learning Lessons The HARD WayJuly 10, 2010
I don’t know if many of you realize this but as a mother I am pretty cool at handling any situation thrown my way. And trust me my children try their damnedest to knock me off my game,but I always win NO CONTEST, that is until yesterday. You see yesterday under no fault of my children or my own, I was put in a situation that left me befuddled and my children laughing.
It was about two o’clock,and my family and I were heading home from being out all morning. I was tired and ready to just get home,so of course I was off a little,and that is exactly when I got taken down. We were sitting at the stop light two lights before the light we needed to turn into our neighborhood,when as luck would have it, a tiny Chevy Cavalier pull up beside my SUV. The kids and I were staring out the window aimlessly,when my eye caught movement in the car below my window. The movement was very rhythmic and non stop so I had no other choice than look. It took a couple seconds to focus on the movement and a couple more to realize that the guy driving the car did NOT have an unruly Siamese twin sprouting out of his crotch. NO, this guy was laid back enjoying the pleasure of his lady friend giving him some mouth lovin.
Horrified and not sure I could believe my eyes, I jolted up in the seat and immediately tried to talk to my husband with my eyes saying, “Don’t let the kids catch on to what you’re doing, but look over at this car next to me. Am I seeing right? Is that girl stuck under the steering wheel against her will ,or is she doing what I think she’s doing!?! ” Unfortunately,before my husband could understand what my eyes said,my 14 yr. old daughter noticed the strange movement in the car next to us. Before I could run interference ,everyone in the car was piled over to my side and fighting to look out the window. Then, there was about a minute of questions that seem to be coming at me so fast there was no way I could come up with creative answers quick enough.
Now with my children being 14 and 12 respectively, I have taken the time to talk to them and answered their questions about sex. Talking about sex with them doesn’t freak me out. In fact , I feel it’s my job to educate them about sex,and have handled that part of parenting like a champ. Yesterday though, I fumbled that ball,and my children took that opportunity to mess with me unmercifully. Laughing and asking questions like “Mom does that woman have a face? ” “What is she doing?” “Isn’t she going to choke?” “Do you think his penis is flavored?” “Do you think she is trying to set a World Record?” “Are there even World Records for that stuff?” and many more. All the while I was trying to change the subject, yelling at them about unbuckling their seat belts,and screaming about the dangers of not wearing their seat belts. That didn’t work,they were watching their mother crumble under the pressure,and loving it.
I decided to lie creatively by saying ” Well kids maybe his penis stopped breathing and she is trying to give it mouth to penis resuscitation. Now sit your asses back down,and buckle up!” but that just made the laughter worse. So I decide to start answering their questions of plenty as quick as I could yelling out, “Probably an ugly one because only ugly girls do that stuff.” “She is being a whore.” “I hope she does.” “Like a lollipop the flavor doesn’t last that long.” “In my eyes she already has.” Praying for the light to change the whole time and when it did, I sped up my car until I was able to pass the mouth fuckers that caused my mothering fail,got in front of them and slammed on my brakes until I could see fear in all the sets of eyes behind me , in my car and in theirs. I believe a lesson was learned by all!