Is That a Crucifix in Your Pocket,or Are You Just Happy to See Me

June 3, 2010

Have I ever told you that the Lord is my Shepard? Did I sound convincing? I hope so,because this weekend I will have to be on my best Jesus style behavior when my fourteen year old daughter’s new friend comes over to spend the night. You see, the only stipulation her parents had before giving their permission for her  to sleep over at my lovely abode was to have their daughter ask mine whether we were Christians or not… which really puts a damper on my reenactment of Regan from The Exorcist  “loving”  the cross that I had scheduled to perform this Saturday.
But you know me well enough to know that if it’s for the happiness for one of my children, I’ll put away my artistic vision and act like I’m holier than thou just so my kid can make a new friend and a memory. It doesn’t stop me from wondering though,what the hell does someone’s religious background have to do with the kind of household they run? I don’t know,maybe it’s just me but some of the most fucked up people I know hide behind the word “Christian” and use it to get out of every commandment they break.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in a higher power and consider myself to be a very spiritual person,but ever since I was about fifteen and found out that the priest that gave me my first holy communion and listened to my confessions was doing A LOT more to all the alter boys at our church,my taste for organized religion grew sour. I just don’t feel that you need to label yourself a “Christian” or plop yourself in a pew once a week to be known as a good person,and if that is the only way you choose to judge whether a person is good or bad, I fear for you.
You see for me the judging on whether my child can sleep over at your house goes so much further than just your religious affiliation. I personally think it’s wise to take the time to ask for the parents full names,and research to see if they have an arrest record(don’t forget to print out your findings) then spend the better part of the week before staking out their house to see if they have any strange comings and goings,root through their trash while they’re out on one of their “goings” because that will show you more than you’ll want to know(keep those findings too), and then finally fingerprint the whole family when you drop your kid off for their big sleep over.Oh, and don’t forget to bring all your finding with you ,just to show them that you do your homework! This all will work like a charm because they’ll be so freaked out that the won’t think of messing with your kid,so you can sleep more soundly that night,OR you’ll be asked to leave and your kid will never be asked over  again…either way it’s a win win.
Honestly though, I can’t wait to meet this girl’s parents this weekend .I’ve spent a lot of time getting my house ready ,replacing my priceless copy of “Dogs Playing Poker” with a really cool ” The Last Supper” print,and even have talked with the neighbor kid about coming over before they come,and hiding in my closet duct taped. Once they arrive inside, he is to jump out screaming and running for the door.I think it’ll be good wholesome fun for the whole family…I wonder if I should have asked my kid to ask theirs if they have a sense of humor.



  1. Ha, ha, good for you! At about the same age as you I came to the realization that it was more important to do good things 7 days a week than to be a hypocrite and pretend you were doing something good by going to church once a week. I may not have dones something nice every day, but I got out of going to church!

    Oh, yeah, maybe you should dust off your copy of Onward Christian Soldiers. The girls may want to have something to listen to after they watch Charlton Heston in The Ten Commandments. Good luck *crosses himself*.

    • I just think there is so many other ways to see if someone is a good person than by listening to a label they gave themselves,Nonamedufus.

  2. She probably just wanted to make sure her daughter wouldn’t be exposed to any of that secular pop music that can turn a young girl from angel to tramp in a matter of minutes. Hide the Katy Perry and the Justin Bieber!

    • You know music does do that,Shawn!

  3. You are assuming they *like* Christians and want your family to be Christians. They may want to know because they practice Satanism and orgasms without touching. Now that’s worth knowing!!
    Hell, the little girl may even bring over her own copy of The Exorcist and then you all could sit around chanting and watching and having orgasms while eating the popcorn.

    • You might be on to something there,Red. I didn’t think of it that way!

  4. I have an aversion to all organised religions – good and ridiculous …… must be because I’m sooooo disorganised …….

    • It is the one area of my life,DP, that I choose to not be organized in!

  5. You know, they if she’s spending the whole weekend they probably expect you to take her to church with your family. Maybe you should show them this video of the church you will be attending. You know, just so they know your commitment to Christ. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObhvOeNCKhs

    And for the money, is there anything better than a duct taped gimp running and screaming from a room?

    Have a fun weekend! Don’t do anything Jimmy Swaggert wouldn’t do!

    • For the record,FS, the kid I’ve hired comes from a different ethnic group(so they won’t think that he’s mine)and we’ve rehearsed the whole thing of him running,looking frightened and screaming before he brakes his restraints and heads out our front door….he’s really believable, I’m impressed and I hope they will be too! If they’re not, I’m totally pulling up the video you sent!! Thanks!

  6. LOL…I love it! You could reply to these well-intentioned parents in the following manner, as well. Q: Are you Christians?

    No, but I heard that Jeffrey Dahmer was.

    No, I’m not really into “altering” little boys.

    No, I’m a satanist. Why? Because their religious icons are so much more colorful – and their rituals so much more lively, and fun – then those dull “you’re going to hell, please leave your wallet in the collection plate on the way out” sermons you guys have to listen to on Sundays.

    Then start chanting in latin, and whip out your “toy” cross….

    Whatever you do – PLEASE send me updates with pictures…Love you!.

    • I KNEW I should have talked to you for inspiration,SG! LOL! Love you too!

  7. This was an interesting post. I’ve heard parents ask a lot of things before allowing their kids to go over to someone else’s house, but I’d say that normally, religion is at the bottom of the list. Maybe I’m wrong, but that’s my initial opinion.

    We have a five year old and here’s what I’m finding interesting too. At her school, often parents or other kids will say they want to schedule a play date. But when I hear these parents talk to each other or to me, everyone only wants to do it at their own house. So… If you don’t want your kid going to someone else’s house, why are you asking for a play date. And if all of us only want to do it at our own house, it kind of defeats the purpose, huh?

    So yeah, like you, I would have answered the question politely, even if I was shaking my head that it was asked in the first place. LOL. Then make sure to have Poltergeist playing in the room next to where the kids are at, so it can be plainly overheard…

    • I don’t know if I could play Poltergeist in my house,TCC, that movie still scares me to death!

  8. I’m going to have to agree with you. There is seriously something wrong with asking that question. Reminds me of a friend of mine whose mother wouldn’t allow Republicans in her house (sometimes I don’t blame her, but it’s a little bit discriminatory). Hooray for those who don’t think outside the box (and don’t want their kids meddling with anyone who doesn’t believe in the G-O-D.)

    • No republicans,Amy? WOW! I guess everyone has their standards! LOL!

  9. Gandhi was so right. Christians are white devils.

    • He was a very wise man,Static!

  10. The same thing happened with the church I grew up attending. Saw the dude in the paper a few years ago with child molestation charges. Love the Swaggart pic and that Ghandi quote is one of my favorites. Nice post!

    • I think that happens more than not,Rico! It’s sick really!

  11. Just stopping by to see what you’re up to. Happy belated 4th!

    • Been extremely busy,TCC. I need to make time to write!! Hope all is well with you!!!

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