Sick Songs of the Season

December 9, 2009

Hold on to your pants  dear readers,because  I,the normally pessimistic Thinkinfyou have found myself really into the Christmas spirit this year. Seriously, I don’t know what happened ,but every morning I wake up  in a festive mood wanting to bake cookies,and decorate everything in sight with tinsel. And  NO, I haven’t been huffing, sniffing,smoking,or drinking anything! I’ve just been feeling overly jolly lately,and YES, that is the first time  that I’ve ever described myself as “jolly”and I think I like it. Jolly is the perfect word right now for my demeanor,so much so that I believe  if I was only just a few inches shorter I would be scouted out to become one of Santa’s elves by Santa himself.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Unfortunately my jolly mood hasn’t seemed to have transferred on to the masses. Everywhere I go I see nasty,mean,bitter people that wouldn’t know jolliness if you shoved some up their ass. It’s sad really,and it got me wondering, why is it so hard for most to get into the season?

Then it came to me,maybe it’s the Christmas music that floats through the air and is inescapable whenever you leave your home this time of year that’s to blame. Honestly,if you really listen to a lot of the Christmas classics the message can be misconstrued and be taken as anything but jolly.

Take for instance, the classic ” I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. Surely nobody really wants to sing the praises of their mother’s whoring ways,fondling, and sucking face with old men no matter who they are. It  just isn’t something you want to sing about. Plus,it really isn’t a laugh when Daddy walks in and sees Mommy kissing Santa Claus,that’s usually when Daddy leaves,and doesn’t come back.So if this song brings up some of these bad memories of Christmases past,you might want to try and find the instrumental version of this classic. Although ,I’m not sure if that will be enough because you’ll still  have to  hear that old man yelling “Ho,Ho,Ho”,and know he’s talking about your mom…You might just want to check out Judaism to solve this problem.
This next classic has always struck me wrong,and I can totally see why it would dampen  spirits. To me,“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” always seemed  like a cover up song,so nobody had to  know that “Grandma” was really a huge drunk that dabbled in bestiality,and went a little too far with it.” There were hoof prints on her forehead”,that just says to me she was asking for it! No wonder Grandpa took it so well,I’m sure he was glad he didn’t have to compete with big bucks anymore. Nasty,dirty Grandma,even a holiday song couldn’t halt the imagines that your filthy habits left behind. I say scrap this song altogether!
Finally I give you a song that most likely responsible for many horrible gifts that you’ve received over the years.  “The Twelve Days Of Christmas” I believe should be changed if it is  to be played at all during the Christmas season. Really,who the hell wants a Partridge in a pear tree for Christmas,especially from their true love!?! Men, let me give you a huge piece of advice, do not listen to this song before going shopping for the lovely lady in your life because although nine ladies dancing might be your idea of the perfect present , trust me she won’t feel the same and you’ll probably receive a nice set of blue balls in return for your thoughtfulness.
I could go on and on dissecting Christmas songs for what they really say,from watching your beloved snowman die a horrible death, to the song where mean reindeer made fun of a little reindeer with a severe but useful birth defect,but I won’t because I want to stay jolly,at least for the season.



  1. As long as you’ve got your elf, that’s the main thing.

    • Nice play on words,The Jules!

  2. Ha, ha most instructional. I never thought of it like that before. But now that you’ve got me going in that direction I guess Santa’s a pervert, lurking about in the shadows. Why else the song “Here Comes Santa Claus”?

    • LOL! I’ll never be able to sing that song again without laughing,Nonamedufus!

  3. the real question here is don’t you want to drink huff or smoke something to make you see these songs as what they are not supposed to be?? huh? 🙂
    Merry Christmas, keep the jolly going.

    • The sick thing is, I don’t have to smoke,huff,or drink anything to see these songs that way,Piratenamedneo!

  4. I’m getting in the spirit myself. Next thing you know I’ll be donning my thigh high boots and heading out to have my picture made with Santa.

    • You need to post that picture,Peach Tart!

  5. If, as a little boy, I saw my mom kissing Santa, and my dad said *he* wasn’t Santa, what would that make my sister? Fuck it! I’m lost…blue balls and all.

    • I think that would make her a bastard,RedRaider.

  6. I would dearly love to see you shove jolliness up someone’s ass…and then maybe hang a pair of blue truck nuts off it.

    • As long as I can hang some tinsel off the balls too,Kathcom!

  7. They make your mouth open really really wide in that video, it’s kinda hot… just sayin

    On a serious note, I did always think Joy To The World had to do with giving a woman multiple orgasms.

    I think I’ve been inappropriate enough for one night.

    • That is one hell of a serious note,FS. LOL!

  8. I hate to say this, but I watched your elf video and couldn’t help notice the resemblance between your open-mouthed elf and those blowup dolls that I’ve seen….uhmmm….on television comedies when people are making jokes about blowup dolls. Yes, that’s it. Now, I’m not sure. Is this supposed to put me in the Christmas mood, or take me out of it?

    • I can’t believe elfing myself makes people think of sexual things,Mike. The post was suppose to help people get in the spirit,but if it helps you remember your “doll” ,that’s gotta be a good thing too!

  9. my favorite classic from Bart

    Jingle Bells
    Batman Smells
    Robin Laid an Egg
    The Batmobile Lost a Wheel
    And Jo-ker got away

    • Ahh, an oldie but a goodie,Waltsense!

  10. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ThinkinFyou, ThinkinFyou. ThinkinFyou said: The real reason people can't get into the holidays! https://thinkinfyou.wordpress.com/2009/12/09/sick-songs-of-the-season/ […]

  11. Like I need to buy a shitty Christmas present to get blue balls.

    Man. If that was the only reason I wouldn’t be sporting all these callouses.

    • This is the first time in my life,Mooooog, that I’ve ever felt sorry for a pair of hands.

  12. As an elf, my gnomes have an open door policy just for you…as long as your naked, of course…

    I too have been bad this year. I took the Charlie Brown Christmas special and dissected it the other day…blasphemis, I know.

    • What sweet gnomes you have,VE!

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