Warning! Friends Don’t Let Friends Buy Sex Toys!

August 13, 2009

Have I ever told you that there used to be a time that I was considered the best friend EVER? I mean you could have considered yourself truly blessed to have me as your BE FRI or ST ENDS. Really, I was so good at it I listed it on my resume .Because it is quite a skill to win the hearts of millions of friends. OK maybe that’s a stretch, but I can say I won the heart of friendship with at least three people in this world,and that’s gotta count for something ,right?

I can remember these three people remarking numerous times about how thoughtful,considerate,and loving of a friend I was,and I really did try to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for. Hell, I was always there to listen to their problems, let them laugh at my stupidity on a daily basis if they felt the need,and I always remembered holidays and birthdays and made sure that I gave them more than just the priceless gift of my friendship. No, I would spend hours shopping for the perfect gift and never settled until I found the right one that would bring a smile to their face. But my quest for the most spectacular gift ever almost cost me one of those best friendships, and did cost me my title of The Best Friend EVER.

You see one year my friend’s birthday was approaching rather quickly . I knew I had to put on my super friend cape and fly out to purchase her the gift to end all gifts.For reasons I chose not to explain, these birthday present finding adventures would always lead me to the nearest adult store, where I would spend hours poking,prodding,and jiggling all the wondrous perversions man had thought up and packaged. Everything from vibrating cock rings to glow in the dark gag balls all right there at your fingertips, and all just screaming at you louder than the last that they are the most amazing birthday treat anyone could ever imagine receiving,which made it so hard to choose. I didn’t know whether I should go for the latest version of Long Dong Silver with rust proof chrome finish,or maybe The Sock Em Cock Em well endowed blow up robot. Which one would be a better gift, I wasn’t sure. Because with this friend especially, the gift had to be perfect. You see, she is on her feet working all the time,and doesn’t get to relax too often and enjoy the fruits of her labia.

The gift had to be just right,and I knew I’d know it when I found it.So I strolled the aisles for hours until I happened upon the Crotch Cummer 3000, a set of vag beads made of the most durable cyber skin out there,and came in the season’s most fashionable colors. It was looked pretty wow wow we waa so I picked up the box to read more of what The Crotch Cummer 3000 had to offer my friend. Come to find out this product was incredible,and simple enough to use even for the novice self sexer. All you had to do was insert this miracle device up the old vag canal and leave it there for as long as you wanted the magic to last. The beads themselves were suppose to clang together in a lustful rhythm as you moved through out your day causing the user orgasms a plenty.I was SOLD! I pick up a lovely eggplant colored Crotch Cummer 3000 and ran to the check out counter to pay. As soon as I got back out to my car I called the birthday girl to tell her that all her worldly problems were solved, for I was coming over to her house not only to wish her a Happy Birthday but to bring her the ultimate gift that would keep on giving.

I will never forget the look on her face when she torn off the wrapping paper and laid her eyes on the prize. It was a mix between shock and puzzled,which translated to me as excitement like she’d never felt before. I hurried her to open the box while telling her quickly what was in store for her. I begged her to promise to call me after she’d used the gift because if it was as successful as I thought it would be, the clerk at the adult store told me that if I waited two days they’d be going on clearance. I was delirious with joy thinking if I could stock up on these  everyone would be covered for Christmas for years to come.CROTCH CUMMER 3000’S FOR EVERYONE!!!What could be better, right?
Well three days passed and I still hadn’t heard from the birthday girl. I assumed she was busy with her new toy to call and praise me for my gift giving skills. So I decided to call her up and tell her it was my pleasure to make her world a better place. But when she answered the phone she seemed different. I wasn’t sure what to make of her standoffishness. So I went ahead and asked ” Sooooooo how are the Crotch Cummer 3000 and you getting along?” and waited for her to sing my friendship praises. When all of a sudden she started to cry. She went on to say through tear soaked sobs that yes, she did try the Crotch Cummer 3000 and within thirty minutes of use the thing caused her crotch to swell shut. Scared she took  a very embarrassing trip to the emergency room that consisted of strange looks and giggles from the doctors and nurses,and a diagnoses of a severe allergic reaction to cyber skin. I didn’t know what to say. How do you apologize for swelling your friend’s vagina closed? Surely Hallmark didn’t have a card to make it all better. I was on my own for this one. I did what I had to do which was apologize to her and her vagina, relinquish my best friend EVER claim to fame,and promised from here on out my gift giving would consist of a gift card… to the adult store.

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  1. TFU you are the greatest, you are not the only one to make the allergic to latex mistake. When I was younger and dumber, (Yes I was dumber than this at 1 point) I was with a chick and had no condoms. We stopped at a store and she told me to get ram skins. Now I was a Catholic School kid (I know explains a lot) and went through catholic sex ed. Where a preist taught us that any chick trying to get you to wear a ram skin condom was the dirtiest of whores trying to give you aids because ram skin condoms don’t help you with std’s. This was back when aids was the big thing. They never knew about allergies in the 90’s.

    • AH a Catholic School Boy! Somehow FS, I knew that! So did the dirty whore’s vag swell close,and what did you do to apologize?

      • Sorry, I had to leave before I could finish the comment. She never mentioned anything about it closing. I did get a very pissed of phone call asking me why I bought latex condoms when I was specifically told to buy the ram skins. I went with what I thought was the best tactic, Deny, Deny, Deny. I never got a chance to apologize, this was when I was a Senior in High school I made the really bad decision of asking my best friend if he ever heard of someone being allergic to latex. Then I told him the story (not trying to be a dick just way too trusting of a high school friend) by the end of that night the rest of the football team knew, by the end of the week it turned into she was allergic to my dick. Me being the guy didn’t have to hear to much about it. She got one or two of those famouse nicknamesyou wrote your last post about and ended up slapping me when I did try to say sorry later and then never talked to me again. Watch you know I’m going to run into her in a couple weeks now that I told the story.

      • Oh,oh horrible nicknames,FS. You’ve gotta tell me what they called her. Please!! It can’t be any worse than Scrottie!!

  2. Me and you! BFF!!! Do you like parties? Hehehehe.

    • Oh,Red, you don’t wouldn’t want to be my BFF,it’s just too dangerous!!

  3. Damn I’m sooooo glad I’m not allergic to latex or I’d have to throw out my entire nightstand.

    • I know,Peach Tart, me too!

  4. Wow…who’d’ve ever thought THAT was gonna happen?? Though it is a good thing to keep in mind.. ya know, for future gift ideas… Okay, now I gotta start a new Christmas shopping list…damn 😉

    • Learn from my mistake,Winky Twinky,learn from my mistake!

  5. I am dying here…THAT was probably the best post I have read in forever!

    “…the fruits of her labia.”

    I will let you be my friend if you give gifts like that! I’m not allergic to anything, either.

    I hope your friend is ok.

    p.s. sounds like there is an untapped market for greeting cards! Get to writing!!!

    • Thank you,Mango Girl. Yes, my friend is just fine,all healed up and no lifelong damage thankfully!

  6. *snort* too damn funny!

    • Thank you,Noe!

  7. Being a chap, if I had a reaction like that I would ask them to take away the pain and leave the swelling.

    • Spoken like a true man,The Jules! LOL!

  8. Okay, now I know I am going to stick to gift cards. Glad I caught this post before I made a similar sad mistake. You just never know, do ya?

    • It’s the safest bet,Tony. Especially when you know them and not their vagina.

  9. Very funny… so sorry for your friend.

    A buddy or two of mine has told me their wife’s vaginas swelled closed just after the gals said “I do.” I’d never considered a latex allergy might cause the same thing.

    • I’ve heard of that phenomenon before,Maurice,and I think that means those wives married for money.

  10. Oh the horrors, the shame…and that’s only on your end… Who could have thunk it, allergic to the Crotch Cummer? For a minute there, reading this I was having flashbacks to my own unique sex toy experience (which involved not only an ER trip, but stitches as well).

    Don’t worry, you still hold your fame card here, you are more than welcome to send me sex toys anytime.. 🙂

    • Now you are a friend,Nipsy! It brings tears to my eyes to hear that you are willing to put your vag’s life at stake for the sake of friendship! Give me your address! LOL!

  11. Now that’s given me a great idea for Auntie Maud ….. you know, the one with the prolapse ….. thanks VPL

    • LOL! DP, if you do decide to give her the gift that keeps on giving you have to promise me you’ll bring a camera with you to take a picture of Maud’s face when she opens the package!!!

  12. A friend once bought me an inflatable sheep on my birthday for a joke, don’t know if i’m allergic to inflatable sheep I must hasten to add!

    • WOW! Gitwizard, looks like you could use some new friends! LOL!

  13. I know that’s not really supposed to be funny, but it is.

    I’m not sure who I feel worse for, her or you! 🙂

    Thanks for sharing your wit and knowledge. Lots of fun.

    Your friend,
    Bring Back Pluto
    “ONE of THE GUYS”

    • I think you should feel worse for her,BBP, my vagina is fine!

  14. I just e-mailed you my snail mail addy so you know where to send the gift card for my next BD. 😉

    • When is your B-day,Marsha, you brave brave woman!

  15. That was a touching an heartfelt story TFU. My heart goes out to your friend for her latex labilial reaction and to you, who were only trying to be a good friend. Now, I want to thank you for the “good times clown” you sent me last week – a gift along the same VEIN (so to speak) and all and all,I really like it but next year – just a few modifications if you please – 1. If you choose clown theme for me again – please don’t send one that has the face of the clown on IT again…GEORGY…they don’t ALL float DOWN THERE if you get my drift. 2. It doesn’t HAVE to come with a horn that goes off when one goes off (so to speak) and 3. Can you just spend the extra 5.00 and buy me a NEW one and not a recycled one like this year? The Summers Eve box top you cut out to mail off for a rebate got stuck to the handle of my “gift” and it was a dead giveaway. PS – I still consider u one of my BESTEST friends. Love SG46

    • Sorry about that,SG. You know me just doing my part to save the environment from being overcome by sex toys. Plus I really thought you being the humanitarian you are,surely you wouldn’t mind. Next birthday I now know that it’s only NEW FOR YOU,and I’ll stick with your favorite gerbil theme….and you wanna know why? Because I love ya!

      • You da bomb girl. Gerbils are always SQUEAKY clean when it comes to toys…

      • I wouldn’t think so ,SG,but I’ll trust your expertise on this one!

  16. You so remind me of a couple of girls at work. The problem is they never buy anything like small and discrete. No they buy the 36 inch black glow in the dark ribbed two headed dick so everyone in the place gets to see it too. Now that is a present I never want to get.

    • Oh shit,Ettarose. I would never want to scare the hell out of the birthday girl. Although that could be seen as a multipurpose gift because that could be use as a weapon too.

  17. […] response: My vibrator  better NOT BE BROKEN Mister!  (OOPS, sorry – guess there is ONE exception to the new […]

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