The Tale Of A Reformed Butt Stealer

June 29, 2009

OK,so today I was over at The Constant Complainer’s blog,and he had written a post about a man that comes by his place of employment every week and steals people’s used cigarette butts. I couldn’t believe all the people who commented with disgust over this desperate man’s actions,so much that I almost didn’t comment,cause see , I used to be a butt stealer myself. Yes,it’s sad but true,and I’ve decided I’m going to share my memories of being a butt thief with you my lucky readers.

I can remember the day that my affinity for the stain end of a cigarette started like it was yesterday,and if I try hard enough I can still taste the sweet nectar of nicotine,mixed with  stranger’s spit on my tongue. The year was 1979 and we lived in an apartment complex outside Hershey,Pennsylvania, that had nothing but children my older sister’s age around to play with. So the instant we move in I became the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer of the neighborhood, nobody let me play their games, reindeer or otherwise. And not because I had a red nose of anything like that,no, it was because I was younger therefore wasn’t cool enough to play with them. Bitches!So a lot of times I would be left outside by myself with only my imagination to play with,until the day I spotted him.Him, being Mr. Summers the old,drunk,nicotine coated father of one of my sister’s friends. He used to stand outside and smoke cigarettes, five to be exact, every morning.I remember waking every morning and excitedly rushing  to my bedroom window  to peer down in wonderment at Puff The Magic Dragon in human form that lived across the street from me. I was just fascinated by his breath that I could see upon exhale, even when it wasn’t cold outside. It only took me  three days of studying this magical man before I was certain his abilities came from the little stick he held between his fingers. Oh ,those amazing little sticks, they had magical abilities themselves to shrink down to nothing within a couple minutes. It was in that epiphany that I KNEW ,I had to get my little hands on some of those sticks.

So after lunch that very day, I snuck out of the  house , looked both ways, and crossed the street right into Mr.Summer’s yard. As soon as I step foot on his land, I could see that I had hit the magical stick jackpot. To my surprise they were everywhere, in the bushes, on the walkway,you name it. There wasn’t one inch of this man’s yard that wasn’t littered with evidence of the magic he would perform every morning.Being surrounded by the magnificent harvest I sought,it took me only seconds before I was down on the ground,stuffing my pockets, and filling my hands with this man’s discarded treasure. Finally when my small frame could carry no more,I took off back across the road to hide in the bushes in my own backyard. When nestled nicely under a cover of greenery, I gently laid my stash out on the ground in front of me, and did an eeny,meeny,miney,mo to help me decide with magic stick I would try first. A winner was drawn and cautiously raised the stick to my lips and blew….nothing. Confused by the lack of magic,and strange taste that tainted my lips, I started picking up another after another like a quick game of pick up sticks,blowing one after another, and getting frustrated as the time went on that I didn’t have the magic touch that Mr. Summers “Mr.Stupid Puff The Magic Dragon” himself did. I was getting pissed,but my determination wasn’t rocked .I picked up the last and final magical stick and instead of blowing I decided to suck in. And that’s all it took. Just one suck and I felt dizzy,and sick,which I assumed was  my magical powers kicking in. So I continued to suck in quicker and blew out looking for my breath to take shape until I was almost cross-eyed, but it was if I wasn’t breathing at all. I never saw a thing ,except spots in front of my eyes. I was beyond discouraged two hours later when my sister came looking for me to call me in for the night. I felt like a failed magician,but smelled like a dirty ashtray that my mother was sure to notice when I walked through the door. Questions of my odd odor flew from her mouth so quick that I didn’t have ample time to come up with a good excuse. So I told her I spent my day doing somersaults in Mr. Summers’s front yard,which she believed more than she would have ever believed the truth, that her six year old daughter spent the day being a butt stealer,blower,and sucker, but had no magical powers to prove it.



  1. LOL! That is so hilarious. Although if my 6 yr old tried a smoke, I’d have his hide. haha

    • Me too,Chica! Although I think nowadays kids know more about smoking ,than when I was a kid!

  2. 1979? Be honest… This happened just recently, didn’t it???

    • LOL! No,Bill, I got over my whole “staring at weird old men,and hiding in the bushes” phase years ago!

  3. Nicotine is great – mind you the advertising nowadays leaves a lot to be desired ….. *cough*

    Anyway, having been studying your piccies that seem to be surrounding me perhaps you could answer a question that has haunted me for years and you’re obviously an expert – why is it called “giving the bird”?

    • Hmmmm,maybe I need to research that,DP,and write a post explaining it,just for you!!

  4. Sadly I understand what you mean. When I was ten I thought that if I smoked those things I’d get boobs because all the girls who smoked had em. I’m almost positive that’s why I never got beyond a B cup in school..

    • Really,Nipsy? I always thought you’d get bigger boobs if you let a lot of guys feel you up. Maybe that’s why I got beyond a……………nevermind! LOL!

  5. Sooo funny. And I know this is twisted, BUTT, this post kinda made me miss smoking!!

    • LOL! Sorcia,when did you quit,and when did you start?

  6. I used to smoke. I remember when I was a kid my dad would ask why I smelled of smoke. I had some great excuses. Dad did not believe one. I got a lot of ass whuppins’. I quit smoking too. Dad would be proud.

    • Did you quit because of the ass whuppins,Don? I’m sure your dad would be proud!!

  7. I was HIGHLY OFFENDED!! Don’t you know that you have crossed the boundaries of:

    ButtSmokers RIGHTS penal code 132: Cigarette smokers
    ButtSmokers RIGHTS penis code 69: ASS smokers
    RIGHTS in general: penal code 911: Everyone Else Who Has Nothing Specific to Bitch About But Wants to Jump on the Band Wagon Anyway

    You will be hearing from POODLE.com for this!!

    Signed – My Mother

    LOL – great post! I could just see your face as you tasted your very first BUTT!

    • I actually liked the taste,Surveygirl,and have had a thing for dirty,drunk,old men ever since.

  8. We did the same thing with heroin needles when I was a kid.

    Stopped when we realised we were getting high on old insulin.

    Let the magic begin . . .

    • LOL! The Jules, I don’t think I would have messed with needles when I was a kid,or even now. I am quite needle phobic!

  9. Yeah, I like that unshaven look and especially when they don’t brush their teeth…

    • YUMMY!

  10. When I was 14, I would smoke any random butts I could find, seeing as how challenging it was to get my hands on fresh cigarettes. The worst was sharing in the school bathroom with some dude who apparently didn’t realize how little tongue you needed to use to extract the nicotine. Ugh.

    • Oh,please,Shawn, those were the best kind! Don’t act like you didn’t like them!
      Do you remember what they would call those?

      • LOL…I remember.

      • Ah,the days before you had to be politically correct! I wonder what they call it now?

  11. Those butts go up a dollar a pack tomorow. It will officially be the day when cigarettes become more expensive than pot. I wouldn’t be suprised if a few cigarette shipments go missing and we end up seeing guys selling them on street corners. What you want… What you need, style.

    • I’m in if you’re in,FreakSmack! Whatcha think?

  12. You got a skimpy bikini??? We’ll do it up like the first episode of The Dukes of Hazzard. We’ll put the new boobies to work!

    • Do I ever! Deal,but of course unless your going to wear a banana hammock,the cut will have to be 75/25!

      • Banana hammock? That’s not something a man should ever wear. How bout if I wear a coon skin cap?

      • Fine! I’ll wear the coon skin cap,and you can wear a bikini!!

      • I don’t think you understood I meant a coon skin cap and only a coon skin cap.

      • I don’t think you have the balls to do that ,FreakSmack!

  13. Six? You were six? Man, I sure hope you’re mom doesn’t read your blog ‘cuz you’ll be in BIG trouble Missy!

    • She hasn’t in a long time,but it wouldn’t matter….I stay in trouble!!

  14. When I was a kid we’d just rip the tobacco out of a bunch of butts and then re-roll them with zig-zags.

    Now THAT was a powerful smoke! REAL tobacco flavor!

    Is it me or are your graphics trying to tell me something?

    • OMG! Marvel Goose!! That had to hurt inhaling in!!


    • Thank you,Stugod for the visit ,and for making me regret ever posting that picture!

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