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Say Hello To My Large Friends

May 16, 2009

Well a little over a week has past since the twins were resurrected,and wow what a journey it’s already been. I’ve learned so much about the ins and outs of boobs in the past week that I KNOW I’m well on my way to being the Breast Quest Guru I always knew I would be.

Of course spending all of last week playing the part of a pill popping junkie quite well,I’m surprised that I’ve retained any of the knowledge that I learned during my experience,although it’s still a little hazy ,I do have some helpful hints to throw out to all of you boob novices waiting to hear my words of wisdom. So here goes……

1. When you go home from the surgery and they tell you to put frozen bags of vegetables on your chest for the next 48 hours….DON’T. The smell of dethawed corn on your chest after one night will turn you back into a little kid who wants nothing to do with yucky vegetables. Try bags of frozen fruit instead.

2. You WILL have buyers remorse. Trust me on this one. I’ve wanted boobs since my third kid unlatched from my nipples leaving me envious of a cows teets. Lucky fuckin heifer!
But the day after surgery when I returned to have the doctor unveil his work, I wanted to cry for the loss of my drag bag long gone. I looked like the elephant man’s busty sister.It wasn’t pretty!

3. Don’t worry about not being able to shave your armpits. Shaving them becomes amazing simple when for the first couple of days after your surgery, they are actually a PART of your breasts! Seriously.On drugs or not,I will never forget those days. They were as close as I ever want to come to having hairy nipples ever again!! Uh, and the picture below? Yeah,that isn’t me!

4. If you sleep any other way than flat on your back…..you’re fucked for awhile. Me,being a fetal position sleeper myself did come up with some what of a remedy for this problem though. I took a cue from the little penis club and used socks to make myself feel more comfortable about my issue. I took three pairs and stuff one on either side of my breasts and then threw one in the middle for good measure. Worked like a charm to help take the pressure off.

5. Getting dressed for the day is better than Christmas morning. You can open your closet and pull out anything you used to look OK in and now you’ll look WOW! Trust me….there’s nothing better!!

6. OK ,I lied there is something better……. your new boobs will pay for themselves,if you’re a copper stopper like me. I tried them out Wednesday when I got pulled over by a man in uniform.

Now I knew I wasn’t going the speed limit and had to think quickly on how to get out of the ticket that I was informed by my speed would have been somewhere in the area of $350.00. Ouch,right? So when he strolled up to my car, I rolled down the window and in the sweetest southern accent I could conjure up I said ” Oh my Gosh! I’m soooo sorry. I know, I know, I was going wayy to fast. I’m normally a law abiding citizen and would NEVER speed on purpose,but my car isn’t running right. It’s sort of shaking a little when I press the gas. See.” And in those words I hit the gas a little and shook my breasts with the hum of the engine.” Can you feel it? Here feel my car,” I said Letting him place his hand on my dash, I continued to let them jiggle like Jello. I could tell he was mesmerized. Seconds later he was convinced I might have a spark plug problem and told me just to slow down Speedracer and go get my car checked out.

As I drove off , I looked down at my swollen but glorious new breasts and knew that all the corn smelling,pill popping, and sock sleeping was well worth it because I now had new partners in crime.

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28 comments

  1. So what is the name of your Gang?


  2. Hmmmm I hadn’t thought of that,Noe Noe. Maybe the Toxic Abreastors.


  3. Hmm, the perfect crime.

    You could rob a jewellers topless and no-one would get a look at your face.

    Genius!


  4. Exactly,Jules!!! My career options have totally opened up since this surgery!!!


  5. a really nice blog……!!!visit me to!!!


  6. a really nice blog……!!!visit me to!!!


  7. It’s sort of weird,Alom or Along…I normally LOVE begging.


  8. I feel my education is almost complete …… I wonder if there’s a market for woven nipple hair? – I’ll have to think about that one ….

    Anyway, I hope you and your new friends are very happy [I’d follow Alom or Along if I were you – he sounds really desperate – tee hee]

    *hugs*


  9. It feels wonderful to finally be a plethora of knowledge…even if it’s just boob knowledge,DP.
    You’ll have to let me know about the woven nipple hair. I don’t think I want to experiment with that.


  10. Great! I’d have ticketed your ass sooo fast though you would have wished for those saggy sacks of butterfat again! I’m mean that way…


  11. Remind me never to play a game of cops and robbers with you,Don! Although…..I’m sure I’d win!!!


  12. Mmmm…they still have that new boob smell.


  13. And what does that smell like,Douglas? Or do I even want to know!?!


  14. i once got really fat and tried taht shaking thing with my moobs but the cop didn’t buy it.


  15. I’m surprised you didn’t get arrested for that,Spaz.


  16. That settles it then. I’m having mine done too… For too long now, I have tried the slower process of a FOOD JOB, and it’s just not working out. (Well, it sorta is…) Anyway, Dr. 90210, here I come!


  17. I am glad you are better (in a sweaterLOL). I like the uniboob picure, is the model Vince of ShamWow fame?


  18. You go for it,Bill!


  19. I have got to find one of those bras like the one in the last pic there…fuckin’ ay!


  20. It is a pretty sweet bra,Zandria!


  21. Glad you are back to your boob-blogging-best. Hope those side affects gone now.


  22. They are,they are,Gitwizard!


  23. Hhhmm, i think i could do with a new pair this Christmas considering they might come in handy…hehe


  24. Trust me,Rocketdog…they WILL come in handy. DO IT!!


  25. Since you’ve become such an ambassador for this procedure, I think your surgeon should sponsor a giveaway of a free (or hugely discounted) pair – or even just one implant – buy one, get one free wwould be good – on your blog. Then it will be rigged so only I can win.


  26. LOL! Margo, I’ll have to ask him about it when I go back in a couple weeks. Have you thought about having it done before?


  27. Pictures or it didn’t happen… 😛

    I think you’re more obsessed with boobs than any guy I know… and that’s sayin’ something!

    I, of course, come here for your sense of humor. Yeah… that’s it…


  28. If you come here for my sense of humor,LL…..are you hoping some of mine rubs off on you!?!



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