The Battle of My Anus

April 14, 2009

Tell me something,do you believe in reincarnation? Well, I wasn’t a firm believer myself,but that all changed two weeks ago when I discovered that my asshole must have been a Confederate soldier in a previous life.OK,I know it’s hard to believe but after two weeks of researching and experience on my part, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s true my bung wasn’t always just my bung,but in fact WAS Colonel A. Nus McSphincter long before I was born.
The truth of this revelation didn’t come out overnight.No, it took a week of visiting my grandmother in Erie,PA for this shocking reality to reveal itself to me. Now, if any of you have never had the pleasure/pain of visiting western Pennsylvania in early spring,let me tell you for a southern person what they consider spring is worst than what we’d consider winter. The temperatures didn’t get over 50 degrees once in seven days. I don’t think I’ve ever been so cold in all my life,it felt like my insides were frozen.So after two days of visiting and pounds later of food my grandmother made sure I shoveled into my mouth, I wasn’t overly surprised that I hadn’t emptied my poop chute yet. I just went ahead and chalked it up to the bone chilling and sphincter freezing weather.

But as the week wore on and my bowels stayed silent, I started to worry. So on night four, I decided to take a nice hot bath in hopes of defrosting and rectifying my rectum. I sat in a tub of steaming hot water for over an hour,refilling every so often when the water would turn tepid. I really thought the bath was doing the trick as I felt my body temperature rising,and sweat beads were dripping down my face. My stomach wasn’t feeling great either. I could feel it cramping so I hopped out of the tub and planted myself on the toilet,and waited excitedly thinking any second my fecal hostage situation would be over.
I sat there fingers crossed and pushing but nothing. Then, right before I was about to give up,and go ask my grandmother if she had any prune juice, I felt some air give way. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so elated at the sound of my own gas.I didn’t even try to muffle it, I sat there just listening, and then I noticed something odd.My farts seem to have taken on a melody I’d heard before. Within seconds I recognized the song and with free abandon I yelled out loud “Dixie Land!”,like I was playing a game of “Name That Tune” with my ass and I was winning.Unfortunately winning or not I didn’t receive the prize I was playing for,and after the fifth encore of the song I stopped shouting out the answer and decided it was time to interrogate my asshole for some answers of my own.

So,I bent over and got down to his level and was just about to knock on the back door something magical happened. Now I don’t know if my presence surprised him or what but immediately he became unpuckered and in a stern voice coming out of the opening I heard ” Fall back,men!”Quite stunned myself,by the sight and sound of what was going on,I knew I had to pull myself together and reason with this hostile hole.So in the most calming voice I could muster I said “Hello there sir, I believe we’ve crossed paths before ,but I don’t think we’ve ever been formally introduced. I’m…” but he cut me off .Fucking asshole! I was about to show him what hostile was all about, when he opened his beautiful brown eye and spoke to me like a true southern gentleman and said ” Please to meet your acquaintance lovely lady. I want you to know that I realize what has brought you here today ,but I’m sorry Ma’am but I can’t allow my troops to drop in enemy territory. Those damn Yanks will get a hold of them and torture them something terrible. You’ve got to understand I’ve got a job to do here and that is to protect my men and bring them home safe.” I thought that was quite noble of him,and told him I would do whatever I could to help out,even if that meant allowing my intestines to be a fecal fox hole for a couple days more. He told me he appreciated my kindness,and promised me that once we’d crossed the Mason/Dixon line he would command his boys and me at ease….and he did.
We left Pennsylvania a day later and Colonel A. Nus McSphincter kept his promise to me. Once we crossed the border into Maryland he ordered his soldiers to fall out,and they did. I felt tons better the rest of the drive home. Not only because I wasn’t full of shit anymore but because I started to look at things differently. I really took the time to recognize how beautiful the south truly is. It felt incredible to embrace the fact that I’m a southern girl not only of heart and soul, but of fart and asshole too.



  1. If I have anything to say about it (and I’m pretty sure I do), portions of this post will be excerpted, put to music, and co-opted as Florida’s new state song.


  2. OK,you put it to music,Shawn,and I want to hear it!

  3. Why do assholes do that? Mine doesn’t like to purge unless it’s on home territory of my own bathroom either. Weird hole it is.

  4. That post was AWESOME!

    I love poo stuff.

    But I don’t know what this… constipation is?

    I usually poo twice a day. But never less than once.

  5. That post was AWESOME!

    I love poo stuff.

    But I don’t know what this… constipation is?

    I usually poo twice a day. But never less than once.

  6. I’d like to say that this is the most I’ve ever contemplated someones anus but then I’d just be fibbing.

    Though I’m not sure I’ll ever get the “brown eye” image out of my mind.

    If I have nightmares tonight about a blinking asshole, I’m blaming you, T! lol

  7. LMAO you’re so full of shit! And talented. Anyone who can whistle Dixie with their asshole should go on Americas Got Talent.

  8. You see if history, geography and personal health were taught like this in schools, kids would actually pay attention – tee hee – you’re on a roll kid!!!!!

  9. Nothing better than singing Dixie on your own throne!

  10. I don’t think it’s just a weird hole anymore,Chica. I now know the truth!

  11. Thanks,Mike! Glad to hear you’re regular too!

  12. Oh,I’m sorry,Juliet! I hope you had sweet dreams.

  13. If they knew this would be my teaching style,DP…I think they’d make sure I stayed away from children!

  14. It wasn’t so much singing,NNGAQOAT,it was more like whistling!

  15. Sweeeet! I know just how you feel. No doubt that southern assholes are a fart above the rest. Can you fart anything Elvis?

  16. No Don, my asshole was dead and waiting to be reincarnated when Elvis was huge!

  17. And here I thought my anal version of “I will Survive” was a shoo in for American Poo Idol..

    Damn you woman..

  18. I don’t know you just might win,Nipster! People aren’t as patriotic as they use to be.

    BTW….love the new pic!

  19. *sniff* A good tale always brings a tear to the eye…

  20. Did I make you cry,LL?

  21. Hilarious. I’m glad I’m back reading this blog.

    And yes, I know you still love me.

  22. My left nut is a sea pirate

  23. Thanks,Sully The American Hater!

  24. WOW! Now that’s an interesting find,Chris. When did you make that discovery and how? Did you find a weird birthmark on it that looked like an eye patch or something?

  25. Brilliant ! You should enter this post for one of those blog competitions.

  26. Brilliant ! You should enter this post for one of those blog competitions.

  27. LOL! What kind of blog competition would that be,Gitwizard?

  28. Wow. I’m sorry our fair state didn’t agree with your…uh…delicate constitution. I think it’s about 50 here today, but plummeting early next week, I hear.

  29. You know I love PA,Unfinishedrambler. It’s beautiful,but this time going up there was a real pain in the ass!

  30. In the UK, we’ve got the oppsite problem, as our anuses still think we’ve got an empire, so they’re allowed to drop their crap anywhere the bloody well want, and if Johnny Foreigner doesn’t like it, he can jolly well see how he’d managed without us!

    Oh, he did . . .

  31. WOW! That’s quite amazing,The Jules! I never knew that about the UK! I guess you learn something new everyday!

  32. Wow! Haha! Great post! I wonder what my asshole used to be, or if I’ll ever get reincarnated as an asshole. Hha! Will share this with friends.


  33. Thanks,Vince.
    I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you don’t come back as an asshole…I’m sure it’s a messy job!

  34. Thanks,Vince.
    I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you don’t come back as an asshole…I’m sure it’s a messy job!

  35. That contortionist picture has stuck with me for two days now. I hope things have quieted down a bit for you 🙂

  36. Oh geez I hope that not a picture of a contortionist,Margo! I just thought it was a photoshopped picture! Could you imagine!?!

  37. This is hysterical! Pooping is funny.

  38. Thanks,Chrissy! Although it’s not too fun when you can’t poop!

  39. Right now I’m in Hernando,Florida, stealing some internet off of some poor unsuspecting neighbor. Damn her. I wish she had a better connection.

    Up til now, I hated Florida and LOVED Indiana, but this last winter we had all of our asses sewn shut trying to keep the warm air in.

  40. My mom lives near Hernando,Dana. I think all the internet sucks out there.
    Glad to hear you are considering FL. There is something to be said about not having to sew up ones ass during the winter!

  41. I can’t wait to see the Musical. I haven’t spewed Diet Coke in at least a couple days. Interestingly we just played Name That Tune the other day at my blog, of course it was not Dixie.

  42. I’m not even going to shop this story for a musical,Jen.I don’t think I’d want my 15 minutes of fame coming from having a talented backside.LOL!

  43. I’m not even going to shop this story for a musical,Jen.I don’t think I’d want my 15 minutes of fame coming from having a talented backside.LOL!

  44. Incidentally, I’m sure by butt was a monster truck exhaust in a previous life.

    I’ll let your imagination fill the rest of that one in, and apologies if you are eating at this point.

  45. LOL! Looks like our butts would get along fine,Hindleylite! Southern people love that monster truck stuff!

  46. What exercise do you do? Why are you so flexible? I have never seen my anus. I haven’t seen it for 43 years. Teach me. Your humble student…

  47. You haven’t seen your anus in 43 years,Carl? Well then I think it’s definitely time for a visit!

  48. […] a visit here you’ve listened to me tell some amazingly interesting but true stories about my reincarnated asshole or my adventures with vibrators that had  minds of their own. And yes, I’ll admit that I […]

  49. Hold on there punky. I don’t cotton to you using my name in vein, be they hemrohoid veins or not. I AM the real Anus McShphincter. In fact I can prove it. There is a historical “log” you know, sphinctorally speaking that is. I was dated and journled in a 1980 Hustler Magazine cartoon. There you can read the truth about my trajic life. theres nothing funny when you go through life named Anus. And having my ass as my face…well I didn’t do well with the ladies. So I urge you all….look into my history before you all go around getting diahrhea of the mouth (I live with that daily unfortunately). Get your farts, I mean facts straight.
    Annaly yours,
    Mr. A. McSphincter

    • First of all, Anus, if you would have read the whole entry you would have noticed that I never caught my asshole’s first name,just the first initial A was how he addressed himself.
      Second of all, I think there is always room for more than one asshole!

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