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Belting Out The Sweetness

March 19, 2009
WOW! It’s seems like forever since I’ve posted but I had very good reason for my hiatus. Since my last post I’ve been undergoing a variety of tests from mammograms to ultrasounds on the Lumpness Monster in my breast.Even though my Gynecologist thought it was just a cyst,he also thought it was a good idea to go and have it checked further just to make sure. I wasted no time in making an appointment to get my already sagging drag bags smushed like pancakes in the Mammogram machine, which lead to suspicion and an ultrasound,that was followed by a biopsy just last week.Needless to say,all of the boob mashing,fondling,and probing didn’t leave me in much of a mood to write. But all of that changed Monday when I finally got my pathology results saying that the Lumpness Monster wasn’t malignant! Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! I tell you there is nothing like the scare of cancer to make you rethink your life. Honestly,this whole experience as frightening as it was changed my perspective on life dramatically. I’ve realized that life is too short to not live and love to the fullest.So for the last couple of days I have taken my new outlook and used it on everyone around,with great results too if I do say so myself. I have thrown sugary sweetness on mere strangers and oddly enough they didn’t run to go brush their teeth afterward. No, instead, I saw them pay the sweetness forward onto the next person they met which left me feeling amazing knowing that I was making a difference in the way the world around me spins.Unfortunately my sugar and spiceness and overly niceness didn’t transfer as well to my children.Sure they were great with the part of having their mother smother them with nothing but kind words and kisses… they seem to gel with that right away,but when it came time to try to not be so bitter to one another, they failed miserably.Case in point, one day into my crusade to make my world a mental confectionery delight,my oldest daughter,and my youngest and only son came home from school and within minutes a bitter battle between the two of them broke out .The name calling and sucker punching that took place was enough to turn my sugar into syrup within minutes,but instead of screaming my head off and threatening bodily harm on them like I would normally do, I took a more loving approach.I made them hug each other until each one could conjure up a compliment about the other. Quite an ingenious plan isn’t it? I thought so too.But twenty minutes into their death hug hold ,the insults of hygiene problems and lack of intelligent spewing between the two of them showed no signs of stopping.
I found that my own thoughts were changing too.I was going from looking at them and thinking “Oh my sweet little angels!” to ” This is the fucking I get for fucking!” way too quickly.I knew then that I had to come up with a better plan of action, so I told them both to follow me. When they went to break their embrace and follow, I looked back and said,”no keep the hug together!” It was in that precise moment that the perfect parenting plan of action hit me. Excitedly I ran into my room and scoured my closet as quick as I could, only to come back out seconds later with a huge black belt. My excitement skyrocketed when I saw how quickly I was able to command silence when wielding a leather weapon! Silence wasn’t my goal though.Nor was a virgin belt ass whipping for the both of them, that wouldn’t have kept my lovin vibe alive,now would it? No,so instead I took that belt and wrapped it around both of their waists,kissing their foreheads as I circled it around. Then, with a huge smile I cheerfully told them that since hugging each other didn’t help them to find the good in one another, maybe an evening being a Siamese twin with the other would. As you can tell by the picture below,my son took it a lot better than my daughter did.

Now I don’t know if it was the conjoiness of the whole deal or the fact that bathroom breaks were near impossible but funny for the two.Less than an hour later though, high fructose compliments were pouring out of their mouths like mad,and everything returned to order in the Thinkinfyou household. All thanks to the Sibling Rivalry Belt Of Love. I know,I know…Dr. Spock doesn’t have shit on me!!

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53 comments

  1. I’m so happy to read that the mass was not cancer.

    Nice parenting move, BTW. Brilliant.


  2. Me too,DOM. I spent wayyy to much time waiting and worrying. I’m so glad it’s over with good results.

    Thanks for the parenting props too!


  3. Did the Doc go “And you’re going to . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . live!”

    Good news and well done for not having rebellious boob cells.

    Huzzah!


  4. It felt like it took him that long to tell me,The Jules!


  5. That’s the best, hun. I love that parenting idea! I think everyone should do it.

    Glad to hear nothing worse than smushed boobies was your fate as well!


  6. Glad to hear the lump on your pancakes is just butter…


  7. Hmmmm… so if I popped in, you’d be nice to me now? 😉

    Good news to hear FU…


  8. I worked like a charm,Juliet!


  9. I’m always nice to you,LL!
    Oh,and I think you should take this experience I went through and go have your moobs checked….see that was nice of me!


  10. Glad to hear the good news! I just got an AOK on my smashogram!
    Did we act like that when we were kids!

    Dr S is jealous now!


  11. Glad to hear you got good results with yours too,NNGAQOAT!
    Uh,yeah,I think I did act like that as a kid.LOL!


  12. Terrific news on the diagnosis! There is a great line in the Woody Allen movie Deconstruction Harry. I don’t remember the line exactly, so I’ll probably get it wrong, but it goes something like: “The three most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but “it is benign.”

    Congratulations on your lumpiness being benign.


  13. LOL! Isn’t that the truth,Joel!


  14. I’ve never read so many euphemisms for sweater stretchers …… honestly!

    [That noise you might be able to hear is a sigh of relief from this side of the pond …. *hugs*]


  15. Oh,I’ve got more,DP!

    Thank you soooo much for your kindness!*hugs*


  16. Can’t you just give them frontal lobotomies until they are 25?


  17. I pray that you can’t have children,Spaz!LOL!


  18. “Drag bags?” Damn, can’t even have a good fantasy anymore. Thanks for ruining it. Really happy about the biopsy results though.
    You’ve got more patience with kids than I do. Congratulations!


  19. You like that,Don? I coined drag bags myself. It’s when your fun bags aren’t so fun anymore! LOL!


  20. Woo hoo! I know you are wildly relieved. I’m so happy for you. Have a fabulous no worry allowed weekend! You are so right. Actually none of the Star Trek cast has anything on you when it comes to parenting.


  21. LOL! Thanks so much,Margo!


  22. So you went and got pinched, prodded and poked.. And all you got was “It’s not Cancer”??

    I’d have at least asked for the $35 for the feel-up if I were you!

    I did something kind of similar to my daughter and youngest son..

    I made them do EVERYTHING together for two whole days.

    By the end of the first day they were as kind as could be..

    By the end of the second, they swore they wouldn’t do anything mean to one another again.

    Since that time, it’s been nice and pretty much quiet around the house..

    Very good to know that you’re still in good health, though..

    Well, good being a relative term and all…


  23. So you went and got pinched, prodded and poked.. And all you got was “It’s not Cancer”??

    I’d have at least asked for the $35 for the feel-up if I were you!

    I did something kind of similar to my daughter and youngest son..

    I made them do EVERYTHING together for two whole days.

    By the end of the first day they were as kind as could be..

    By the end of the second, they swore they wouldn’t do anything mean to one another again.

    Since that time, it’s been nice and pretty much quiet around the house..

    Very good to know that you’re still in good health, though..

    Well, good being a relative term and all…


  24. I see great minds think alike,Jormengrund! My kids have been amazing kind to one another since they were belted!


  25. Wonderful babycakes! Now did he tell you to stay away from caffeine? It causes lumps! Of course that is with Fibrocystic breast disease. Don’t be too nice it is more fun to be a bitch!


  26. Yep! I’ve been laying off the caffeine,and paying for it with horrible headaches! So don’t worry they bring out the bitch in me quite quickly,Ettarose!


  27. CONGRATULATIONS on the benign lump. I’ve not had that happen yet, the Scare, but it’s coming, someday, isn’t it? I think everyone gets the Scare…

    And I love how you belted your children together.

    Pearl


  28. Thank you,Pearl! Oh Gosh, I hope that a cancer scare isn’t a common thing. It’s a horrible feeling to experience!I hope you never have to feel it!


  29. `I’m soooo glad you dodged the C bullet! Oh and “drag bags” that’s freakin hilarious.

    Will “Sibling Rivalry Belt Of Love” be the title of your book?


  30. I haven’t thought of what to title my “Best Selling” parenting book yet,Trukindog. Hell,I’m not sure if it will ever make it out of my head and down on paper either at this point!


  31. *BOWS DOWN* You have now become my hero. I am so trying your belt trick tonight.. although I need a larger belt for all three of my kids to fit.. wait, what abut bungee cords??

    So glad to hear the breast results as well.. Now go outside and watch the sunset tonight…I dare you..


  32. Great news TNKFU. Did you get the child control idea, by shouting ‘BELT-UUUUP!!!!!’ and still getting no response ?


  33. LMAO! Nipsy,you’ve gotta tell me how it works out on your kids!!


  34. I usually get no response from anything I demand,Gitwizard! The belt worked wonders!!


  35. I am so happy for your good news! Had that same scare a few years back, so I know the relief you are feeling. Happy news!

    As far as the kids – YOU SO KNOW I AM STEALING THAT TRICK!!!!!! thank you thank you thank you – yet again for your pure parenting genius!

    D


  36. Yes,it sure is ,D! I don’t think I’ve ever been more scared in my life. I’m still basking in the relief and silence. I say,use,use,use the belt away. It worked wonders around here. You’ve gotta let me know how it works out for you and the cherubs!


  37. Yay, No Cancer!! Love the parenting belt. Every mother should have one.


  38. LOL!I’m thinking of patenting the idea,so I can bring them to the masses,Sassafras!


  39. LOL!I’m thinking of patenting the idea,so I can bring them to the masses,Sassafras!


  40. That;s it I’m taking tips from you !!!
    Oh I’m glad to hear about your boob.


  41. You need me call me ,Dani! I’m like Nanny 911,without the cool English accent!


  42. Was it a fibroadenoma?


  43. I think that’s what they might have called it,Drea. I didn’t listen much after they said it wasn’t cancer!


  44. Hey, got caught up in your saga. Scary stuff, I’m glad to see it came out positively.

    You should patent the SRBOL.


  45. Thank you ,Shawn.
    I am thinking about patenting the SRBOL.I just wonder if the ShamWOW guy is too busy to do my infomerical.


  46. Hey! I haven’t checked in in awhile but I just caught up on your blog, and it is great as usual. Awhile ago you offered to be a reference for me to humorbloggers. Is that offer still on the table? I can’t become part of their group without a reference! Thanks a lot for your support on my blog too. You’re a good blog buddy! Keep up the good work!


  47. I’ll have to see how many other people you send this same message to,Scott!


  48. I am so so glad that you are OK! And I will keep that Siamese Twin belt thing in my mental bag of tricks, I have 2 kids myself. And as you know, it’s good to have a mental bag of tricks…

    PS My captcha word is ‘snapper’ which delights me for some reason.


  49. LOL! Lidian,I think parenting is all about a overflowing bag of mental tricks. It’s the only way you make it out alive!!


  50. Heh, heh, heh..

    You said “Make out”..

    That’s how most of us folks become parents in the first place!!


  51. Is that how it happens,Jormengrund!?!


  52. I am so happy for you. A clean bill of health!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats. I kept checking back for updates and was very excited on your behalf when I read this tonight!


  53. Oh thank you so much,TCC! I’m pretty excited myself!:o)



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