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Things That Go Lump In The Night

March 5, 2009

WQTVIMH turned a year old on February 28th and I didn’t even celebrate it.No I didn’t,but I have a very good excuse for snubbing the occasion .I was too busy being preoccupied with death,my own death to be exact. And being that WQTVIMH is suppose to be a humor blog(yes, I’ll admit it falls short most of the time)I didn’t think that I would be a good thing to punch keys and try to make people laugh when we all know that death isn’t known to be much of a belly tickler.
The idea of my own death hit me after a weekend filled with wonderful thoughts of my scheduled consultation with a plastic surgeon here in town. I was going in to get measured up for my new nose and breasts. I don’t think I’d been more excited in my life. I have wanted to get both of these things changed for most of my adult life, so my weekend was filled with tissue stuffed bras and lots of mirror time looking at my chesty self, and trying to ignore the Kleenex that was billowing out the top of my cups while I was pushing and prodding on my nose trying to envisioning how spectacular the finished products would look after all the real pushing,prodding ,stuffing and healing was done. I thought my excitement would be never ending,but Monday night while lying in bed and giving my breasts one last fondle for goodbye,I felt a foreign visitor that killed my joy upon our meeting.

One touch and I bolted up in my bed hoping that my mind or positioning was playing tricks on me,but I was wrong. Sitting made the lump stand out more, like it wanted to shake hands and become friends.By it’s size,I knew that this was not a friendly lump,so I freaked.And seconds later, I was violently shaking my husband awake and placing his hand on my boob invader. Although he awoke rather quickly, it took him a couple minutes to realize that I hadn’t let the buried inner vixen inside me out for a midnight romp. Once that registered to him,the introduction between him and Mr. MASSIVE (I’m going to kill Thinkinfyou) LUMP didn’t take long,and it took even less time for thought of my own demise to reign supreme in my head.

Now,I’ve always known that the grim reaper isn’t much of a breast man when it comes to my family. No,he’s likes to work under the guise of taking ya after you’ve left your breasts behind.But I always thought that I would be safe because I’m the different one so surely my genetic makeup would be different too. Plus, everyone knows that only the good die young and well….I’ve never been mistaken for being good.I used to find comfort in both those facts.

Monday night though, nothing seemed to comfort me much. I started thinking of things that I hadn’t given much thought to before then, like my funeral. I was sure I don’t want mine to end up being a boring somber event like normal funerals, mine has to be different.If I had my choice, I would want people to have to dress up like me in order to come, which means nobody, man or woman, will be admitted without rocking a blond wig and a killer pair of four inch heels. As for the music, I don’t want some sad sappy song that plays and makes people cry.I want a song that makes them move their feet and think of me. Personally I think “Superfreak” would be the perfect funeral anthem. Then to really change up the whole feel of the thing ,I thought of having the mortician rig up two Magic 8 balls in what used to be my breasts so people could shake me a little and have what I really thought of them revealed; things like “Seeing you always left a faint taste of puke in my mouth” to “You really should do something about that smell of yours…I’m not the only one who noticed!”I think this idea would help everyone feel better about my death. The only problem is that the boob magic eight balls might be a little pricey.If so, I’ll have to resort to having my body cremated and mixing half the ashes with confetti to throw on the people as they leave the wake,then use the other half in snow globes for door prizes. Either way,I think it sounds like fun for the whole family.

I started feeling a little better knowing that my funeral arrangements would be done with Thinkinfyou flair. Soon enough though, my worry switched to something new,but just as important. What if there is a Heaven!?!Who am I going to hang out with up there? This thought scared me more than dying itself. Because sure, I’ve known people that have went before me but do I really want to be stranded up there with them? I mean I knew them well enough to ponder having lunch with them again,but to spend all eternity with them, uh, that’s a negative. I wasn’t sure what to do at this point.Fear of being lonely and an outcast even with angel status riddled me for days until decided to take matter into my own hands and join the Amy Winehouse fan club. I figured for a crack head on a daily verge of taking a dirty nap,she couldn’t have high standards in friends .Which meant without a doubt,we’d be best friends FOREVER in no time.

Things were really starting to come together with my afterlife planning,so I took it in stride going to the doctors yesterday to have him reveal what I was already was overly prepared for. I even went as far as to pack an autographed picture of myself for him to have just in case the whole Heaven thing didn’t turn out for me and I get sent down to Hell, he’d be the first person to have a picture of the new and improved underworld ruler…. I thought it was quite a sweet gesture on my part. But when I handed the gift over to him,he thanked me and said he’d put it up for safe keeping because as it turns out my breast invader wasn’t the killing kind.Which was great news for me…I only hope Amy won’t be too upset by it!

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50 comments

  1. Just make sure they don’t mix up the boobs and the nose. It’s hard to sneeze when you’re wearing underwire I’ve been told…


  2. I’ll have to keep that in mind,VE!


  3. You can’t die. We just got to be pals, and the Sass master never lets anyone die on her watch. Oh, and boobies are FUN!!!


  4. Don’t worry,Sass Master,I’m not going to be dying anytime soon!I hope!!


  5. I’m with you on the funerals! No black attire at mine, no stupid sad songs! Though I plan on the cremation route so the magic 8 ball boobies are out for me.

    Always good to hear you’re not dying though!


  6. Magic eight ball boobies are a great idea though,Jules!


  7. First time visitor to your blog. Came across the link on another site and decided to check it out.

    Interesting post. Nobody likes thinking about their own death, so I’m intrigued that you took it on.

    I’ve always been scared on dying young!


  8. Oh geez how scary, glad it turned out good for you tho..


  9. Thanks for the visit,TCC.I’ll return the favor!


  10. It was extremely scary,Dani!Me too!


  11. Yeah no dying on my shift plez. I’ll kill you if you do =)


  12. Yeah no dying on my shift plez. I’ll kill you if you do =)


  13. Damn! All of that started with just a couple of thoughts about a nose and boob job? Cremation suits you. Go that route.


  14. I promise I won’t.NNGAQOAT!


  15. I promise I won’t.NNGAQOAT!


  16. Cremation is sort of hot,isn’t it,Don!?!


  17. If you have all the surgery and more, think what a good looking corpse you’d leave.

    Totally worth it!


  18. LOL! You’re totally right,The Jules!!!


  19. Good to hear it’s going to be all right.

    On to the important things-are you still getting the boob job?
    Will you take pictures?


  20. Hopefully in a month,I’ll be able to,DOM. Of course I’ll be taking pictures galore!!!


  21. Wow, i’m umbled, thats humbled (crumbs under my keyboard).
    don’t have a blog yet, I just comment on Daddypapersurfer, saw your comment , checked out your site, now I wonder how other many people (bloggers)haven’t seen it.
    Thank you for showing me ‘The Presidents’, Steve, UK

    )


  22. Are you planning on starting a blog,Steven? Hope you stop back by again!!!


  23. Thinking of starting a blog yeah, just worry if I have enough interesting things to say. Your blog blew me away, ‘cos all i was doing,was posting silly comments on daddypapersurfer Love to you


  24. I love Daddypapersurfer.He’s wonderful! I think you should start a blog,Steven. You be surprised all the thoughts and stories that will come to you after you do. Let me know when you start!!


  25. Hi thinkinfyou, thanks for your optimism. People like you inspire me. I am giving your site to my sister, (she is a nurse), one day she will have time to respond (I will make her dinner)Keep up this great blog. Love&hugs,Steve.


  26. Awwwww!Thank you so much,Steven!! I appreciate your kindness!!!


  27. I’ve been planning my funeral for years – I’ve picked up some better ideas now …… huggy *hugs*


  28. Glad I could help,DP! LOL!


  29. glad everything turned out okay:) I hate that boob worry business. Are you still on for surgery? both at same time? all three at same time, I mean?


  30. Boob worry is a horrible thing,Margo.I hate it. I do still want to have the plastic surgeries done.Although,I have to wait about a month to see how everything pans out.


  31. Hi Margo,
    Steve from uk , hope you & yours good. Gave your site address to my sis today. Still don't know if she will contact you, she is very busy and I don't know if she even knows what a blog is.


  32. Well thanks,Steve! There’s only one problem….my name is not,Margo.LOL!


  33. oh holy moly, I glad you’re not leaving us!! the magic eight balls must be on your side. đŸ™‚ and we are too!


  34. hi,Thinkinfyou,
    ok, I will stop calling you Margo.
    Have been leaving comments on Daddy Papersurfer ,urging folks to check out your site, hope you have got more visiters. Love, Steve.


  35. hi,Thinkinfyou,
    ok, I will stop calling you Margo.
    Have been leaving comments on Daddy Papersurfer ,urging folks to check out your site, hope you have got more visiters. Love, Steve.


  36. I believe it’s all in the power of the magic eight balls,Chat Blanc!LOL!


  37. Thanks,Steve.


  38. I don’t think you’ve got enough to do, hence me tagging you with a . . . er . . . taggy type thingy.

    http://gravelfarm.blogspot.com/2009/03/wonderful-thing-about-taggers-is.html

    Feel my wrath!


  39. I don’t think you’ve got enough to do, hence me tagging you with a . . . er . . . taggy type thingy.

    http://gravelfarm.blogspot.com/2009/03/wonderful-thing-about-taggers-is.html

    Feel my wrath!


  40. The Jules!!! How could you do this to me!?!And here I thought we were friends!?!


  41. Actually, even with the seriousness, you find humor.

    Great take on things..

    Just think, this all started because of your obsession with your nose and how stuffed up it was.

    Now, because it betrayed you, you’re going to have it cut..

    A bit sinister there, don’t you think?

    Oh, and if you want a second opinion, feel free to drop by, and I’ll feel ya up for free and give you my advice!

    Here’s to looking drop-dead (literally) gorgeous!


  42. I think it’s sinister that my body is turning against me,Jormengrund!!! I think I’ll think twice before deciding to get anything else done!


  43. Woman, you crack me up. At my funeral, everyone has to come in their underwear. I want to take that image with me no matter where I go.

    Now, as for the boob job, good luck and just make sure you tell em keep your nipples alone. Everyone always wants to mess with the nips..LOL


  44. People attending in their underwear is a great idea,Nipsy! LOL!

    As for the boob job,I have to wait a little while on that now. :o(


  45. Hi, sugar. You are way too young to die. Look at Quirky, she’s a one boob mom and gets along fine. She has so much fun with her fake one. It beats the alternative. Very good post. Good luck on the boobs.


  46. Thanks so much,Ettarose!


  47. Just stopping back to see how you’re doing!

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day (belated).


  48. Wow, I didn’t expect to read that, and I’m shocked and stunned into commenting (if it’s possible to be stunned and then act). It’s of no help at all, but I’ve had a similar but different health scare, as have many others I’m sure. It brings things into perspective quick smart. IMHO If you really, really need to plan these things, I’d definitely go for the festive funeral option, and perhaps webcam it live as well. I’ll be back soon to check on your next post!


  49. I’m doing much better,TCC! Happy Belated St.Patrick’s Day to you too!


  50. A webcam funeral sounds like a great idea,Gtveloce! I’ll have to remember that!! LOL!



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