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Life On The Non-Shitty End Of The Stick

February 24, 2009

Sometimes life has a way of shifting and within even a small shift, you find your perception of things can change dramatically. I had a shift in my life lately that took my shitty attitude and replaced it almost instantly with a perma-grin!
Now anyone that has read this blog lately knows that I haven’t been in the brightest of spirits due to not being able to breathe well through my nose, how I went to the doctor and was molested nasally by not only the doctor but my husband too! This led into the last month me being teased endlessly by my husband,who tended to get a kick out of coming on to my nose whenever it was in his range.Saying things to my doubled orifice like ” Need me to unplug you again ,baby?” to ” Looking hot there,Nostrils!”… anything to piss me off. He’s just a sick,sick man that must love the way I look when I’m angry. And only adding to my mounting hostility was the fact that I became quite a nasal slut letting anyone with a stethoscope around their neck fondle my passages. I just gave my nostrils away all in hopes of getting a diagnoses of a deviated septum so I could get a much needed nose job covered by insurance only to have my dreams shattered Friday. When after spending two hours in the waiting room sitting next to a cat piss covered patient, I was given the news that my septum is straight as a board. I was soooooo pissed!!
Needless to say I was in a very foul mood after that. I mumbled to myself about how bad shit only happens to me and was a whiny bitch to anyone that would listen in hopes that someone would take it upon themselves to punch me in my face and make my dreams come true.But did that happen… hell no! Instead I got more teasing and sexual nasal harassment from my husband, who seemed to take more pleasure than sympathy in my medical quandary. Which before long led into a heated discussion about how he didn’t understand my feelings of being nasally challenged with no hope for a happy ending. That basically ended with me wishing aloud that his day would come where he would know how I felt. Miraculously my prayers were answered Monday morning when my always regular husband confided in me that he hadn’t blessed the toilet bowl with his presence since Friday and now was looking and feeling about six months pregnant with poop. Now I bet most of you are thinking that I used this opportunity and my unused frustration to unleash on him an ever flowing river of poop jokes,but I didn’t. No,instead I turned into Florence Nightingale and went out to buy him laxatives and prune juice like the sweetness that I am.Unfortunately, all my sweetness mixed with laxatives wasn’t enough and we ended up in the doctor’s office again this morning.Still spewing with sweetness, I went back in the examining room , explained to the doctor in layman’s terms all the horrible things that my husband had been experiencing, and didn’t even crack a grin when he was asked to bear his ass and turn over on his side,and position himself perfectly for the doctor’s gloved hand. Nor did I make jokes about him being full of shit,or mention anything about reach arounds as he was being anally probed. It was tempting but I didn’t. No,I was the perfect angel and sat there in silence supporting from a safe distance.After it was all over and I was walking and he was limping out to the car, I had an epiphany.I realized that you don’t have to do onto others as they have done to you. No you don’t, because they will get theirs in time, not to mention you might feel really shitty afterwards or during in my case. And I don’t know about you, but I say leave it to Karma or a doctor… let them handle that shit.

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37 comments

  1. I applaud your restraint. Must have been tempting to make him the butt of your jokes.


  2. I’m keeping all this from the TG ….. for obvious reasons – tee hee


  3. You have no idea,Humorsmith!


  4. You’re a good woman is all I can say!


  5. Thank you,NNGAQOAT!


  6. Karma can be a killer. So now you’re nose is plugged and his ass? Geez, is that catching? I think that my left is is plugged. Does that count?


  7. I hope it’s not catchy,Don! As for the last part….I’m confused!?!


  8. I would have been dropping so many jokes that he ended up laughing so hard he shit his pants. But I do applaud your restraint because I can imagine the anguish he went through – besides the obvious – waiting for your to bust his balls.


  9. Believe me,FTU,constipation has nothing on my ball busting ability!


  10. I love your labels for this post: constipation, husband, and probing. It sounds like you’ve narrowed your search at a porno site. Hilarious!


  11. Well I thought that those labels summed up this post quite nicely,Sorcia!


  12. 8 packets of instant oatmeal. That makes me regular again. Well, regular after enduring the uncontrollable wave of oats wanting to leave your system a few hours later.

    Hence forth you shall be known as Saint Thinkinfyou. The living patron saint of clogged husbands everywhere. We’ll bypass the Pope on the canonizing part.


  13. Hmmmmm,Saint Thinkinfyou,I think it has a lovely ring to it,Tim! From now on that’s all I’m going to answer to! LOL!


  14. Yeah yeah your an Angel now can I have the # to that hottie with the rubber glove & butterfly tattoo? πŸ˜‰


  15. You wanting to get violated,Trukindog? Actually that is the album cover for Blink 182’s “Enema of the State.”


  16. I just wonder about how this post is actually going to diminish your porno readers viewership..

    There’s nothing in there about penis, or vajayjay..

    Just shit, and everyone knows about shit…

    But then again, we can’t all live up to the standards we set for ourselves each and every day, now can we..

    Just blame it on that molested and plugged nose of yours, I’ll believe you.


  17. I don’t know if I actually have a viewers looking for porn,Jormengrund. If I do though,I certainly will blame my molested nose for the problem.


  18. Omg this post is too funny…Anal ?


  19. Thanks,Dani! Anal is always funny,except when it’s your own.


  20. Oh my fellow wildly insane woman, you give me hope. After my latest..ahem, episode, I can only hope Karma gives back to “the man” as well. Although, I am still picturing you snickering to yourself at this one. I know I am.


  21. Be patient,Nipsy. Karma will come and make it all better! Trust me!!


  22. Very funny. With regard to your nose: at least you’re not as nasally challenged as Michaeel Jackson. Although I’ve heard that his nose is the least of his problems. Now, they say, his whole face is falling off.


  23. Ouch! Poor Michael…I guess Karma catches up to everyone,Ian.


  24. Thanks for your kind comment on The Mongolian Girl. I think I’ll write another chapter now.


  25. You’re welcome,Ian. Keep going!!


  26. I always thought that Karma was a load of crap.


  27. It can be,Sean! LOL!


  28. It’s what the philosophers call “Karma.” I believe the philosopher was named Earl, or somethin’. πŸ™‚

    I still think of you when I can’t breathe, because the image of grapes up my sinuses continually pops to mind.

    You still have my pity.


  29. Awwww thank you,Jen!


  30. I’m getting my septum fixed in April.

    At least I was until I read that the ENT guy is going to stick his dick in my nose.

    Reminder here to myself to also reschedule my colonoscopy.


  31. On the bright side,Moooooog,at least you could tell by the smelly stain on the front of their pants if you’ve been violated during your colonoscopy.


  32. You are a sweetheart, hence your name: thinkinfyou, never thinking of yourself, but only of others’ needs. πŸ˜‰


  33. Uh,UFR…my name actually is suppose to read,Thinkin F You.Believe me, I didn’t lie when I made the name up.It’s not really directed at anyone in particular just my normal demeanor.LOL!!


  34. Colonic and nettipot. That’s all I’m sayin’.


  35. I’ve never had a colonic,and I doubt that I could con my husband into partaking in one,Bee.
    As for the Neti pot of torture,my first twelve experiences with it were unpleasant to say the least. Although it has become my friend over time and doesn’t try to drown me like it use to,it’s still not enough. :o(


  36. Hope you feel better. I’m your sister in sinus issues.Neti pot, definitely. Have you tried peppermint or eucalyptus oil? A drop or two on a q-tip just inside your nose. Just be sure not to jam it up there – totally unnecessary and may make you go deaf.


  37. No I haven’t tried peppermint or eucalyptus oil,but I will. Thanks for the advice,Margo!!



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