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VD Gone Horribly Wrong

February 12, 2009

Saturday is Valentine’s Day,and over at Humorblogger.com they are having a Valentine’s Day carnival where all the members are invited to submit a post based on a laughable Valentine’s Day story. Unfortunately I don’t have a funny story to tell .The only one that comes to mind isn’t funny at all. In fact it’s quite painful to recall and is the reason I don’t celebrate V Day anymore. But if you promise not to try this at home ,I’ll tell you the story of my personal Valentine’s Day massacre.
You see it all started back in the early nineties when I was still young,poor,and a true believer in the power of love and Valentine’s day. I vowed to myself that no matter what the circumstances, I would never let a VDay pass without me going out of my way to make sure that my man felt the love.Which is a very difficult task to undertake because with a man you can’t just go out and buy a nice box of candy or flowers.No ,even though I was young I wasn’t naive in knowing that the perfect Vday gift for a man wouldn’t come solely from a store, but would have to have something to do with something that I already owned and let him use on occasions,i.e my body.Now don’t ask me why I didn’t just wrap myself in a bow and let him have at it.In hindsight, that probably would have been a fine Vday idea,but no even back then I had to try and push the envelope and my creativity to the breaking point. The year that replaced my love for Vday with trauma was no exception.

Valentine’s Day that fateful year was approaching quickly and as usual I felt the need to go over the top and really wow the shit out my husband.There was one huge problem with this, we were broke so I couldn’t go out and buy trashy lingerie or another pair of handcuffs to add to our collection. I spent weeks wondering how I could pull off an over the top gift with just pennies in my budget. I thought and thought but nothing that I came up with seemed just right for the special occasion. Then one day while watching MTV, a video came on of Kid N Play and I noticed that Kid had words shaved into his hair.For some reason looking at his hair made me think of my own nappy hair on one part of my body. I took a quick peek down yonder and knew without a doubt I could shave that shit into the perfect eye popping VD present.Valentine’s Day was saved by my genius, I just knew it.I flew up off the couch like my ass was on fire and headed to the bathroom with scissors and razor in hand. After spending a good hour shaping and sculpting, the most amazing poontang art that has ever been created was formed in the shape of a heart on my vag. In that moment looking down ,I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of an idea in my life….I shed joyful tears.There was only one minor problem with my vaginal ace of hearts, it wasn’t red,and everyone knows a heart has to be red.But buying a box of red hair dye was out of the question it was way too expensive. Then another stellar idea hit me. I remembered kids back when I went to school use to dye their hair with Kool Aid.Holy shit I thought,I can afford a packet of Kool Aid! I scrounged up change in record time and headed to the store. In the car driving up to buy it I recall being so giddy thinking of all the different colors Kool Aid comes in,and flavors too.I thought I could do a whole scratch and sniff thing along with the dying.I was certain the possibilities within this priceless idea were endless. I knew I was totally set for all the other holidays in the upcoming year now that I had my new career as a poontang artist. I’d dye that shit green and do a shamrock for St. Patrick’s Day. Create a replica of the American flag for the 4th of July.And orange Jack-o-lanterns weren’t out of the question either for I was convinced I was blessed with this undeniable talent.Ten cents spent,and minutes later I returned to my house,unbuttoning my pants before even unlocking the front door.So excited I ran to the bathroom with my pants falling down around my ankles. I ripped open the packet and emptied it into a Dixie cup,stirred in just enough water to make the consistency paste like,and used my fingers to precisely color in my pube heart.Minutes later, the task was complete and I stood there admiring the way I was able to keep the color in the lines. I smiled to myself,and went to walk away but as soon as I moved the mixture decided it needed to drip,and drip it did right down on my freshly shaven skin and folds. Words cannot begin to describe how the pleasure of a job thought well done turned into an excruciating burning nightmare in mere seconds. I honestly thought it was going to burn my vagina right off my body.So thinking quickly I jumped into the tub and started trying to rinse the Jim Jones cocktail off my screaming vagina.Thankfully after ten minutes of vigorous scrubbing, the burning stopped but left behind a lovely crimson stain on everything from my hands to my butt.I looked like Carrie returning from the prom. And as for my magnificent poontang art heart,well it didn’t fare well either.It was streaked red from top to my bottom and a little swollen from irritation,so it ended up looking like more of a sign of infection than of my affection.I failed miserably so the only thing my husband got on that Valentine’s Day, was a sobbing wife,and a good laugh. And I got the only thing I really wanted….a promise that we would never celebrate Valentine’s Day ever again. THE END!

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32 comments

  1. Well, at least now I know what NOT to do tonight…lol


  2. Learn from my mistakes,Nipsy,learn from my mistakes!


  3. Stick to kisses! Lots of kisses!
    I cannot even imagine! LMAO!

    HVD chickie!


  4. If I only would have thought of that,NNGAQOAT!

    HVD2U2!!


  5. That was rich. I was sitting here enjoying a nice hot cup of tea. After reading, I enjoyed a nice hot tea nasal cleansing. Thanks for clearing my sinuses. 🙂


  6. Hilarious story. So sorry you ended up looking like a baboon-butt.


  7. Ouch!That had to have hurt,Tim!Surely not as much as my trauma though!


  8. OMG,Ann! I never thought of that,but that explains the look quite well!!


  9. Oh you silly ass nut! You cracked me up. I stumbled this one!


  10. Thank you,Ettarose!!


  11. Hmmm…I hope that the next year you just gave him a pack of Kool aid and let put it on himself. I didn’t realize that stuff would burn, but I’ve never put in on a freshly shaven area. Especially a tender one.


  12. No,after that day,Don,Kool-Aid was never allowed in my house again! That shit is lethal!!


  13. Lord, that was funny. You’re quite talented. Oprah’s got nothing on you, or on your, urm, ah, ahem, u-know.


  14. Well I don’t know if I call it talent,nonamedufus,but thank you anyways!


  15. Rainbow stripes would’ve been cool too.
    Wouldn’t even need to shave for that one; the rainbow arch is already there.


  16. LOL!Janna,so I could look like a had a clown wig on down there!!


  17. LOL. Love the clown wig idea. Hilarious!

    Who would have ever thought kool-aid would burn?


  18. Uh,Jules,it burns like hell! Believe me!!!


  19. LOL!

    Cool beans!

    :o)


  20. While it was soooo cool of you to go that extra mile wanting to color it and all I’m sure your guy would have been thrilled with just the hair cut.

    That said, V-Day is a commercial CROCK and should be abolished.


  21. hahaha awesome post and a great idea…


  22. I think so too,Trukindog!

    Thanks,Dani!


  23. Yeah, the burning, thanks for the heads up (not that night though I guess…

    Baboons butt – Cowguy over at Sawdust & Cowpies has a hilarious pic you ought to go check out!
    http://sawdustandcowpies.blogspot.com/2009/02/valentimes-is-comin.html

    Keep scrolling down past the VDay commando, the heart-ripping snowman, the hair shirt & VDay pot, just keep going, it's worth it. 😉


  24. Oh my Gosh,Venom! If that thing wasn’t so hairy I would have sworn someone took a picture of my twat that day!LOL! Thanks for the laugh!


  25. Thank GOD I’ve finally found another sensible soul in the world who refuses to participate in this Valentine’s Day garbage!

    Fantastic story, by the way! I can’t believe you went to all that trouble for your husband, though….guys are the least picky creatures on the planet, especiallywhen it comes to sex…


  26. If only I would have known that men aren’t picky at the time,The Rev.,I could have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering!!!


  27. Wow that is to funny!!! I’ m still laughing my ass off! I don’t think I can look at kool-aid the same again without laughing.


  28. Well I’m glad my pain caused you a good chuckle,Rev.Hatter!! LOL!


  29. This is hilarious! I’m so glad I found you blog.


  30. Thank you so much,Arika!


  31. You said poontang art! You are now a daily read!


  32. Gee that’s all I had to say,Chris? I should have said it soon!



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