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Not Tonight Honey, My Nose Is Stuffy

February 5, 2009

You would think after being with the same man for the last twenty years that he’s seen every part of me inside and out .And if you would have asked me last week, I would have agreed that there was no new territory for him to claim. I mean come on, if any of you have been with someone long enough to reach double digits you know that there is not one crack,crevice,place,or part of you that has been left unshared,whether it’s sexually or problematic, you know that you have let them check it all out. After all this time I was sure every inch of my outer body and some of my inner have been marked by his flag,or at least seen by his eyes . But I realized that I was mistaken yesterday, when my husband decided to tag along with me to my doctor’s appointment.

Now I know what some of you are thinking,a doctor’s office is no place for spousal intimate discovery,that’s the doctor’s job,and I would have thought so too.In my defense though,regular doctors visits are a new thing for me,so I had no idea what to expect. In my whole adult life I have never had a general doctor. I just always used a Psychiatrist or my Gynecologist to heal whatever ailed me,and if I developed a problem that didn’t have anything to do with my head or my hole,I’d add a MD to the end of my name and fix it myself. This system worked wonders for me for years,until about a month ago I started having trouble breathing,which really screwed with my anxiety.I couldn’t breath out on my nose no matter what I prescribed myself,and I tried everything. But when nothing else seemed to work, I dropped out of Med.Myself school and found a new doctor. She was licensed and in my insurance network so I made an appointment to go.
In hind sight I should have known something was up when the doctor entered the examining room. For a moment, because of her quirky demeanor and lack of professional dress, I thought for sure she was the cleaning lady dressed up in a lab coat.My gut told me to get up and run,but with not being able to breathe well out of my nose, I knew I would get too far.So I decided to overlook her weirdness and fashion failure and trust her name tag and plaques on the walls instead. I started spilling my medical history and list of present ailments to her. Everything seemed to be going fine. She listened to my heart,my lungs, and complaints like a pro.My trust for her increased within minutes as my anxiety was fading. I laid back on the table and didn’t even flinch as she moved toward me with the nose scoper thing. I just tilted my head back and tried to relax, reassuring myself that everything was going to be OK… after all she is a doctor. I laid totally still as I felt the tip of the scope make entry into my right nostril ,but the sound of her screeching seconds later caused me to jerk up causing the scope to try to become a permanent part of my anatomy. Fighting through the pain of having my nostril devirginized , I could hear her saying ” Oh my God your nasal passages look like you have grapes shoved up there!They are so swollen! No wonder you can’t breath!”,and then she smiled. There was no concern in her tone at all.No, to the contrary, she sounded elated like she struck gold in my obstructed nasal cavity which led me to wonder, what she would sound like telling someone that they were terminal… I’d place bets that she’d deliver the news singing telegram style.

Now that we both knew that my nasal passages resembled a cornucopia,I thought she would have left my nose alone,grabbed her script pad to write me one for something that would help make the “grapes” raisins and move on to another orifice,but NO,while I was busy checking my nose making sure she didn’t create a new nostril ,she ran across the room and grabbed my husband instead,telling him “You’ve gotta see this” and pulling him in my direction.And then she did the unthinkable…she handed him the scope!I thought for sure he wouldn’t take it,considering he is banned from even applying a band aid to our offspring without my supervision,surely he would know that nasal scoping was out of the question and his league.And before I could give him “the look of death” he did the unthinkable…and took it from her!
The last thing I remember was both of them coming toward me reassuring me that he was just going to look. Then I blacked out. I came to, to the sound of laughter,and talk of grapes. And in that moment I knew three things were certain .One,I had been nasally violated. Two,I needed to find another doctor.And three, if a man is offered a new orifice,they WILL explore it.

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32 comments

  1. OMG! That is the weirdest doctor ever. Funny…but weird.


  2. Yep,she sure was,Jules. I know how to pick em!


  3. Too bad you’re not one of those people who can find a lawsuit in anything, because I smell money.


  4. And I still can’t smell anything,Freetheunicorns! LOL!


  5. First, good to see you back after a short layoff. You need to post more, lady. This post shows why.

    Second, nasal violation is no joking matter…unless you’re the one doing the violating, and then of course, only with a tissue. ๐Ÿ™‚


  6. Thank you,Unfinishedrambler! I know I need to post more,but things have been a little hectic lately. My son was sick,and actually had to go the the ER the other night due to his asthma. Being up all night with him has really taken a toll. He is better now! Thankfully!!!


  7. Sometimes when my wife is sleeping, I use the talon on her pinky finger to pick my nose. Is that reverse nasal violation?


  8. Oh that is so wrong..and so something I could see my guy doing. Simply remind him of the fact that revenge is in his future..


  9. Yuck! Yes it is,Tim!That is just wrong!!

    Nipsy, what a great idea! Prostate testing is just around the corner isn’t it!?!


  10. Never assume anything about the man in your life..

    After all, if you give us a chance, we’ll take it, just to say at some point that we could, and did!

    Yeah, there might be a price to pay, but as long as the attention is there, it’s all good!

    Great post!


  11. You are too funny chickie! Hope you are feeling better. What are the plans to get those grapes removed!


  12. I’m learning this,Jormengrund!

    Well,NNGAQOAT,I’m on a nasal spray right now,and have to go get a scan done of my nose and sinuses. I’m sort of hoping for a nose job!


  13. Tee hee. The TG tried to follow me into the doctor’s the other day – for once I put my foot down!


  14. Smart move,DP,smart move!


  15. OMG.. hahaha dear, this is hilarious. omg. hahahaha.
    fUNNIEst doctor story i’ve hear so far. And to think you passed out after that. lol. omg. husband is hilarious too. lol.!!nasally violated. ๐Ÿ˜›


  16. Hahaha! Hell, that’s funny! Shame you couldn’t muster a snot laced sneeze when they were exploring your nostrils. Mmm, juicy…


  17. Thanks,Clarisse!

    I didn’t even think of doing that,Don.Too bad there won’t be a next time!


  18. OMG! Where did you find this doctor???

    Just one more thing to add to my list of reasons why I’m glad I’m single!


  19. She is in my insurance network,Jane Doe. Lovely,isn’t it?


  20. Oh damn that's funny,I think that Doctor is a keeper & yes…yes we WILL.


  21. LOL! Trukindog,uh yeah…I know ya’ll will!


  22. Ok no pun intended but that last line made me snort out of my nostril, coffee and lots of it. Be glad you were not having a colonoscopy. Whew!


  23. LOL! Ettarose,isn’t that the truth!!


  24. How funny. It reminded me of the story that my father and aunt would tell about my other aunt. When she was a child she shoved sponges up her nose. They didn’t seem to bother her too much. When they started to smell bad to everyone else is when my grandmother took her to the doctor and had them use the otoscope to see what was going on. They had to surgically extract them. I’m glad you didn’t real grapes or raisins up there. And as for you husband…well that’s no surprise, he’s just a man.


  25. Ouch! Sponges up her nose!!! Yuck!!! No,I’ve never shoved anything up my nose,Jen,and never want to be scoped again.


  26. [“if a man is offered a new orifice,they WILL explore it.”]

    That’s hot.


  27. For some reason I knew you would appreciate that statement,Static!


  28. OK, so your nose knows what it’s like to deal with a doctor. The next step is? . . .


  29. […] astounding boobie magic on me ,just the regular type. And I hate to admit it, but I went back to the one that molested me nasally earlier this year. Now I know what you’re thinking,”why would she go back and see […]


  30. OMG! Nasal intrusion is never pleasant even under the most romantic of circumstances! When I had my nose fixed, I could have sworn the doctors’ assistant had fun YANKING the whole 3 yards at once from my barely healing orifice. I wonder if they go to school for that training? LOL


    • I have no idea,Surveygirl. I wouldn’t think a nose would be a big deal,but I guess some people must have a nasal fetish.


  31. […] 2010 OK,call me a dumbass, I deserve it! I went back to the doctors today,you know the one that nasally molested me,and was so amazed with my new breasts, I swear she almost licked my nipple. Well, I went in to see […]



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