The Gift Of Technology

January 7, 2009

Over at Humorbloggers.com right now they are in the process of putting together a book about technology, written funny style,and have so graciously invited the members including myself, to submit an article based on what else…technology. Sounds simple enough,right? Well, unless you’re like me and have vowed to never dive into the deep waters of technology ever again. I don’t even touch the television remote for fear of the addicted deviant I know I’ll become.

I learn my lesson long ago about the dangers of a relationship between technology and me. It all started on my twenty-first birthday when I was still groomed like Eve,and had the innocence of the apple. Some friends of mine decided it would be loads of fun to give me a gag gift in a phallic form.I’ll never forget opening that box and seeing the wonder that was Orgasmatic 2000. I can remember everyone including my grandmother laughing, as I fumbled to put the rhythmic beast back in the box,never to be touched again.I only wished I would have trusted my gut,didn’t touch and just regifted,but that’s not how this story played out.

Unfortunately, I was alone one night,putting away laundry,when I heard this buzzing voice calling me from the back of my panty drawer,saying something like ” What are you afraid of? I won’t hurt you,sweet little lady.Come play with me and you will see.” Now,call it lack of judgment or stupidity on my part but I fell for the sweet little lady line, hook ,line and sinker. Before it could utter another word,I muff muffled him and minutes later returned him to his place in the drawer,only to revisit him frequently throughout the following day,that turned into months. I found myself fascinated by this technology so much that I become a slave to it. Within the first couple of weeks it became apparent that one wasn’t enough, I needed variety,and before I knew it I had a valued customer card for the XXX Mart,and more toys than there are hungry children in a third world country. I had created quite a problem for myself,but I wasn’t ready to recognize it as such yet.

I was having to much fun getting to know my new found friends,and all their personalities. There was Pip, who was pocket size ,and pink,with a killer English accent.He was great for quick urges. Leroy,who I will admit scared me a little at first, with his massive size,and ebony veneer. Rico,who was rubbery purple,needed no lube,and acted just like a lowrider when activated. C3PO,who was you guessed it,was a really cool shiny gold color that I could see myself in.He was awesome at helping me find the force within me. All of them were such selfless givers,never wanting more than just my happiness.I thought we’d all be friends forever.

Then one day I opened the drawer expecting to find my adoring fans,but instead I found Pip covered in battery acid and barely humming. I acted quick and tried to save him ,but my efforts were futile…Pip died. I cried for days over what I thought was a freak accident,and turned to C3PO for comfort,only to have a expose wire give me quite a jolt and sent C3PO to his demise in pieces on the floor. I had had it because I didn’t have it and went to the drawer looking for answers on who was behind this murderous rampage. I grabbed them all up and interrogated them one by one.Each one had a tight alibi ,until it came time to talk to Orgasmatic 2000 or who I lovingly referred to as Fritz as time went on. Within minutes he broke down and admitted that he was not only make of the most durable cyber skin but inside he was also given a jealous heart. Which made it unbearable for him to see me frolicking with other toys, so he took it upon himself to be the only one I would turn to in a time of need and horniness.Although I was touched by his love and devotion for me, I knew at this point my affair with toys had to end. So I disinfected each one ,put new batteries in place,and tied little ribbons around the shaft of each. The following year,I regifted the hell out of them,and I must say….my grandma has never been happier!



  1. Mark my words: You will start getting lots of Google traffic soon. LOL

    Great story! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

  2. Really,Dead Rooster? I can’t wait!!!

  3. Awesome post…I loved it..

  4. Thanks so much,Dani!!

  5. Hahaha Hehehe You’s a funny gal! I’m still giggling over the names you gave each of them. I’m glad you had to finally give them up or you would probably still be locked away in your house, your neighbors only knowing you are still alive by the slight constant hum, and you wouldn’t be here blogging funny for us!!! 🙂

  6. True,Angie!Plus,they went to good homes!

  7. Let me guess…grandma got Leroy? 😉

  8. LOL! Trukindog,how did you know!?! LOL!

  9. Aww, how sweet. Taking such good care of the little pets. I hope that they went to a nice warm home. BTW, are you looking for a date or something? Because I have the feeling you’ll be getting plenty of offers…good luck! Lol.

  10. mama’s other little helper…

  11. LMAO! You should be a marketing consultant in the adult toy industry!

  12. HA! So, you’ve given up on these ‘adult technologies’ and on TV and maybe soon other technological advances? You have the writing skills to put together a mean manifesto. I think you are like the second coming of the Unabomber but much, much hotter.

  13. The worst thing about those friends are the chipped teeth! Too effin funny!

  14. Why would you think I was looking for a date,Don? No,I’m married and very satisfied. This story was when I was 21,and had the endurance of a thirteen year old boy that was able to use more than his hands.You remember what that’s like.Oh yeah,you don’t have to remember because you’re probably still the same way…guys never lose that shit!

  15. LOL! Unfortunate Names,yes for a time they were!!

  16. Alien Tim, my ass!!! It’s you Erebus!!! How ya been? I’ve missed you!!! Glad to see you back!!

  17. LOL! The Unabomber!?! Well,at least I look a little better in a hoodie then he did!!

  18. Oh no chipped teeth for me,Ettarose! LOL!

  19. Muff Muffled.

    You win.

  20. Freakin awesome phrase that my mind came up with on it’s own,Mike. Ah,yes,the wonders of me never cease!!

  21. OH MY GOD

    I casn’t see, i am laughing so hard.. tears are rolling! Though your story is tragic (May Duracell rest their souls) It had a happy ending..

    Hopefully, you get points from HBDC for hilariously promoting their site.. maybe if you buy some tacos.. Chelle can be bribed

    On another hilarious note.. my word verificatio word is pubytoom. I give it this definition “A thing vibrators are buried in when they die”

  22. Every story should have a happy ending ,Dizzblnd!

    Love your definition!LOL!

  23. What a touching tale – literally!

  24. LOL! I love that one,Tiggy!!

  25. Voices in your head, and a buzzing in your..

    Ears? *wink*

    Great story!

  26. This is why I only rely on the Amish technology of a well hung taco truck driver when the hubs is too busy slaving away at his job to take care of my needs. 😉

    BTW, your captcha is making me spell out “dommenas” which sounds eerily like what a priest would say during an exorcism.



  27. LOL! Jormengrund,the buzzing is in my ears now!

  28. LMAO!!

  29. I’m so sick of technology I can’t stand it.

  30. Thanks,NNGAQOAT!!

    Me too,Dr.Zibbs,me too!

  31. Regifting used dildoes.

    This is a low I can only hope to experience. Alas, I am not a woman and I have no dildoes.

    Great effing post by the way. I’m very aroused.

  32. I don’t see it as a low,Donny Ruth. In fact all the recipients were quite happy with my thoughtfulness!

  33. I’m grieving for your losses!! I too have experienced the tragic death of intimate friends like yours. Sad, sad days. *sniff*

  34. Two words for you Chat Blanc…Shower Head! Everyone has to have one. No messy clean up. Plus you don’t feel like a freak when someone finds it!

  35. Now that was an interesting post! LOL

    You are so funny!

  36. Thank you,Monica!
    I want you to know that this was purely a fictitious story!!! Pip didn’t really die!

  37. OK, this is the SECOND post today I’ve read about masturbation. Did I not get the memo? Is there a masturbation carnival going on that I don’t know about?

  38. No carnival,Nanny! Sick minds just tend to think alike!!

  39. LMAO I LOVE my showerhead.. it has like 16 different settings… no wonder the water gets cold before I’m done

  40. Ah,a girl after my own heart,Dizzblnd!!

  41. Ah, the ubiquitous gift that keeps on giving. How delightfully enjoyable.

  42. Isn’t it though,Freetheunicorns!?!

  43. […] listened to me tell some amazingly interesting but true stories about my reincarnated asshole or my adventures with vibrators that had  minds of their own. And yes, I’ll admit that I have posted more pictures of breasts […]

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