Freakin’ Florida!

January 3, 2009

While all my northern friends are freezing their asses off in bone chilling weather this winter,I want you all to know that living in the sunshine state isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I mean I’m sure for an outsider it must look quite appealing to reside in America’s wang,with our year round comfortable temperatures,beautiful beaches ,and tourist traps galore,but trust me, there are dangers in these here waters that you don’t see on a postcard.
Truth be told, Florida should be known more for the weirdos than for its sunshine. Remember your weird uncle Feely Hands? You know the one that just up,and disappeared one day ,and nobody even tried to find for him,for fear they would look like an accessory to the crime . Well , tell your family he’s still alive and kicking,living in my neighborhood. I’m sure he’d send his love if he wasn’t so busy stalking small children at their bus stop.Sorry for the painful reminder ,but trust me your uncle is only the tip of the wang’s problems.

Strange fuckers from all over the world flock here by the bus loads and for some reason whether it be from getting disoriented by heatstroke,or because they just blend in better among all the other Florida freaks ,they decide to make their trip a permanent vacation. This is not just me being a weirdist either,do you realize that there are three books in publication called “Weird Florida”? I can betcha that there is a fourth in progress as we speak.

In 2008 alone, we have had a man rob a bank in a wheelchair only to get caught 500 feet away with the loot stashed in his prosthetic leg, a teacher that made her student urinate in HER lunchbox,and a man that attacked his father with the family Christmas tree (and NO I wasn’t involved in this attack!) The list could go on and on of stupid Floridian shenanigans,but if I list any more I’ll be wanting to move!

So as you sit by your fire today and dream of sunshiny skies and warmer weather,have hope because winter fades but freaks stay forever… and the way they look in a bathing suit doesn’t do much for the scenery either,believe me.



  1. Ah freaks all around! Reminds me of the years I lived in London. ‘Why does the loony always sit next to me?’ was the cry! Because it was London, and there are several million of them there, that’s why!

  2. ooh and we have the highest per capita teacher student sex cases in the nation!

  3. So London is to England, what Florida is to the United States,Adullamite? Do you miss it?

  4. Ah,Unfortunate Names ,you must be a Floridian too? I think you’re right on that account…makes ya wonder why that teacher wanted that student to pee in the lunch box,doesn’t it!?!

  5. I found through reading that a LOT of serial murderers did their dirty work in North Carolina. George Shawcross being one of them. Weird weird wierd!

  6. We have plenty in Florida too,Ettarose. I do have to say though,we do get rid of them too! Bundy and Rolling were killed here.

  7. Thank you for putting it in perspective. However, I’d still rather be with…ah, never mind, I’m looking at that last photo and thinking I’d just rather stay cold. At least, all the freaks up here are holed up in a cabin somewhere.

  8. Exactly,Unfinished Rambler!! I hope this post made you feel better..maybe not any warmer,but better!!

  9. I reside in the belly button of United States’ wang.. yep Central Florida (if THAT made any sense)

    But, even with all the freaks, weirdos and miscreants, I wouldn’t trade this state for any other in the nation. They can keep their earthquakes, blizzards, -14 degree weather. I will stick to my shorts and flip-flops in January ANY time!

  10. I live in Central Florida too! I love Florida,don’t get me wrong,Dizzblnd,but ya gotta make them feel better about freezing their asses off.

  11. “Americas Wang” LOL
    So does that mean that little nub hangin down from the upper left is Americas Gonads?

    I don’t watch the news but I’m sure we have our share of Uncle Feely Hands here in the desert but I’m not givin up the DRY HEAT no matter how many freaks we get.

  12. Yep,Truckindog! I believe that’s where the juice is stored!
    You like the dry heat? I’ve only been out west once,and my skin cracked in less than 24 hours…not to mention the nose bleeds I got. I need humidity!!

  13. zomg!! for a minute there I actually forgot about the hideous cold outside and remembered why I’ve always said I’d never live in FL, only vacation there! 🙂

  14. You are such a smart girl,Chat Blanc!!

  15. Sadly, it’s the freaks and weirdos that don’t like mudslides, forest fires and earthquakes that move East to Fl. I’ll take the panhandle, but you guys keep your wang and Little Havanas…

  16. Sounds like you’ve been to FL. before,Don.

  17. And lest we forget, there’s also Weeki Wachee Springs and their corny-looking mermaid routine–which, before the Orlando Theme Parks came along, was THE reason many of a Certain Class (usually low) went down to Florida ….

  18. LOL And here I thought I would love to live there. I think I’ll just stay here and ride out winter. 🙂

    I think I may have vomited in my mouth on that last pic! Ewwww!

  19. Exaggerato, I spent most of my youth wanting to be a mermaid at Weeki Wachee…I guess I never had high standards.

  20. Sorry for the visual,Angie,but I thought it was a perfect illustration of the truth. It’s not all palm trees,and sunshine around these parts!! You’re welcome to come visit any time and I’ll prove it to you!!

  21. WOW! Small world! Maybe we could go for a drink one day!

    Do we HAVE to make them feel better, cuz I REALLY like rubbing it in. LOL

  22. Sounds like an idea,Dizzblnd!!

  23. I’ve never heard Florida called “America’s Wang” before.

    Top one!

  24. Yep,that’s what we’re called,Chris Wood. There are even t-shirts that say that across them.

  25. Wow. I think I’d have to take a picture of a person if I saw them wearing an America’s Wang t-shirt.

    Oh and that last pic….scarring.

    I used to go to Florida a lot as a kid and the main thing I remember about the beaches is jellyfish all up on the shore committing suicide.

  26. It’s a trend here,Juliet….everything comes here to die,whether it be old people or jellyfish!

  27. OK, when I first started reading this I was going to see your Florida weirdos and raise you some California weirdos — then I got to the teacher that made her student urinate in HER lunch box and realized I would have to do WAY too much research to find one here to challenge it.

    Super hilarious! This just got you an instant spot in my blogroll. LOL

  28. I don’t think any state could beat Florida in weirdos,Dead Rooster.

    Thank you so much for the add on your blogroll! I’ll be sure to do the same!!

  29. See I know better, only because I wouldn’t want to go through hurricane season every friggin year. Never mind the freaks and wangs, and itty bitty suits and things. I could deal with that stuff, just not mother nature! 🙂

  30. Whoo hoo I’m heading to Florida now, you’ve sold me on it!!

    Oh wait, you weren’t writing a travel brochure were you?

    (by the way remind me to Stumble your blogger profile answer to your aunt next time – that was frigging hilarious!)

  31. Hurricane season does suck,but it doesn’t scare me anymore,Chica. It’s amazing what you get use to when you live somewhere.

  32. Uh,no Chelle, I wasn’t trying to sell people on coming to FL. But if you like what you heard,Come on down!! There are plenty of freaks to go around!!

  33. And you didn’t mention all the stores owned by AMERIKANS, the boiled peanuts, plastic razor sharp grass, sinkholes and sandburs!

  34. Boiled peanuts don’t belong on the list,Dana.They would make even more freaks flock here. I love boiled peanuts.Let’s replace them with fire ants,and lovebugs. Deal?

  35. Sheesh!

    After that picture, all I can think of is..

    “And I thought camel toe was bad when women had them!”

    I need to wash my eyes…

  36. Sorry about that,Jormengrund!!

  37. OH MY GOSH I’ve so missed reading your blog. ROFL! I’m sorry all the nuts rolled your way…

    what is WITH that photo?! LOL

    HUGS and Happy New Year!!!!


  38. Monica!!! How I’ve missed you!!!
    The photo is to show people what the weirdos down here really look like.

    I hope you’re having an awesome New Year!!!!!

  39. For real. That picture. Do you want people to have bad dreams?

    I learned everything you wrote here in the first week of my 4 year Miami-Dade tour.

    We must swap stories some day.

  40. Comment was a dead giveaway,Erebus!!

  41. Wow. I was going to toast a fresh bagel, when I saw that photo. OMG, I am sooo going to lose weight this year. Those guys could make anyone lose their hunger!

    Sarasota is where the circus folks retire to and where my parents live now, too. More proof that you live in a freak zone!

  42. Really your parents live in Sarasota? That’s not very far from here.
    BTW..A very Happy Birthday to you!!!

  43. I agree. Pound for pound, Florida has the most freaks.

  44. Thanks for agreeing ,Dr.Zibbs. I hope it makes you feel better too!

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