Fuck My Two Front Teeth,Give Me Parents!!!

December 28, 2008

Well another Christmas has come and gone,and left me disappointed. I swear I hate the fucking holidays.To be totally honest with you,I’m pissed because I didn’t get what I wanted,and yes I realize that might sound very spoiled and childish,but I don’t really fucking care. You see,for as long as I can remember I have asked for ONE thing from Santa,one freaking thing. But,year after year, I wake up on Christmas morning,run out to the tree,knocking over small children along the way in hopes that this year will be the year that the jolly fat one leaves me smiling, only to unwrap everything under that damn tree and come up empty handed.Sure there are presents with my name on them that,when opened behold some pretty nice and shiny objects inside them,but I swear I would give them all back, if I finally got what I wanted.

Now I’m sure some of you reading this are thinking,wow isn’t she a snotty little bitch,and yes sometimes I can be ,but on this account there is no SLB syndrome involved ,believe me. What I want more than anything is not a flashy diamond ring, a new expensive car, or even new tits wrapped up in tinsel. No, what I want is legal papers stating what I always suspected…that I was indeed adopted.Oh, even thinking about it now,brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even explain the joy that opening a box that contained a set of thirty six year old parchment would cause me.The hope,the wonder,the miracle of knowing that my real parents are out there somewhere, probably regretting their decision and missing me daily. Finally, the punishment of being the non existent part of my family,would fit the crime.

I don’t think my wish is too much to ask for either. I think both my parents would be fine with it.Hell the only thing my father did to help raise me was “supposedly” put his penis in my mother the alleged night I was conceived.As for my mother,well,I have always just been thankful I was born a human and not a hamster. Because I swear she would have eaten her young,if it was acceptable behavior in this species. Can you see now why I have begged Santa since I was old enough to scribble on paper ,for my real parents?

I think if the truth was finally to come out, that yes, I was in fact adopted ,it would be a win win for all involved. For them,they could finally take”The Shittiest Parent Award” off their mantels. Although,that might be hard for both of them considering, they competed so hard against each other to win ,most of the time we have to go into a tie breaker round of shitty activity that takes months of therapy for me ,to reveal who the true winner for the year is. It might be hard ,but I think they could do it.As for me, I would never have to wonder why I wasn’t invited to Christmas with the rest of the family again,and I could set out on foot, to find where I truly belonged,or trek up to the North Pole and beat the hell out of Santa… whichever happens first.



  1. Sorry to hear. Parents can be a burden sometimes, especially if you don’t know who they are or much about them. Believe me, I can relate. Secrets, shhhhhhh….

    What are your adoptive parents doing that is preventing you from finding out the truth, may I ask?

  2. I feel the need to quote something you uttered to me recently. “Too much family time”?

  3. Well Static,they don’t do much of anything. I don’t talk to my “father” at all,and haven’t for 2 years.As for my “mother”,she just catches me off guard and throws me back under the bus again,when I least expect it. They both are just odd people.

  4. LOL,Jules. No,that’s not the case.I wasn’t invited to celebrate Christmas with my mother and my siblings.Although,she was “nice” enough to send me an apology email the day after Christmas,apologizing for not inviting me.Which I think is almost as shitty as not inviting me in the first place.

  5. Thanks for the smiles and laughs. Much needed. Love your blog. Following. Blessings.


  6. Glad I could help,Bill! I clicked over to your blog,and really enjoyed the message you shared. I’ll be returning soon!! Thanks for the visit!!

  7. But apart from that, how was it . . ?

  8. It was really good,Jules. I happen to be quite fond of the family I made myself.
    How was yours?

  9. Awwww…that sucks Sweetie. That damn Santa. I don’t know why we even bother asking — most times he gets it wrong. I know how some parents, and I use that word lightly, can be. Just remember that you’ve turned out to be an amazing person with a wonderful “real” family you’ve made and an “online” family as well. :o)

  10. Yeah,I’m hating Santa at the moment,Angie. To me,it seemed like such a simple request,but he fails to bring it year after year,so fuck em!

    My parents just never should have mated.They were OK at creating,but suck at maintaining,so fuck em too!

    I do have a spectacular family that I made myself,and I really appreciate my online family too!

    Thanks for your kind words,Angie.You always have a way of making me feel better! Thanks again!!

  11. Stopped by per Don,…. Wow.

    Funny how I sense this is not the proper time to be funny.

    I can relate to your post as I have had similar experiences, but may I question you that even if I told you I was really YOUR Father and finally rich and successfull would it change who you really are now?

    Would you have the friends you have now? The family?

    There have been children born of loving parents that have gone off and killed others with glee, and those that are born and become slaves that go on to win Nobel prizes and help mankind.

    If you have a family and an on-line family that loves you, IMHO you have won the ‘Nobel’ and have succeeded in ‘life’ more than your ‘real’ parents could ever comprehend.

    Just a thought.

    Happy New Year!

  12. Any time is a good time to be funny,KJ. I wouldn’t have been offended.
    I appreciate your thoughts,and well,you’re right. I do take into consideration everything you spoke of,believe me.
    Some times I just need to rant about things that piss me off and that I really can’t understand….which is a good thing.
    Hope you don’t hold the visit against Don.

  13. I ran into my bio mom at a bank where she worked…about ’75 I think. She didn’t know me, but I knew her. My dad told me. She looked good. The previous 23 years of my life had been great, so I just smiled and said thank you…last time we ever saw one another, and I’m good with it!

  14. Really,Don! So were you just raised by just your father?Do you mind me asking?

  15. I’m sorry…no. Raised by adoptive parents. My adoptive dad told me that my bio mom worked at this bank. He was on the board of this bank and knew who she was…I decided to leave it alone. She looked happy and I was so it was all good.

  16. Start checking milk cartons immediately. I’m sure you’ll find them there…

    You are about to be removed from my blog roll!!! It’s nothing personal…I’m restarting for 2009 this Thursday. Were you at the top of the list in 2008? If not, here’s your chance to be. A single comment gets you on my blog roll. Keep commenting and you’ll stay at the top. Hope to see you in 2009!

  17. I’m not adopted. I sometimes wonder if I am but I’m not. My mom drives me nuts. She’s an addict of casinos and lost the damn house. So, yeah. Some parents suck. Not all bu some. Glad you weren’t born a hamster. That would suck.

  18. I’ll have to check milk cartons,and comment on your blog.
    I love how you do your blogroll.Did you devise that yourself,VE?

  19. Holy shit,Mike,she lost a house!?! Uh,that’s a problem.
    I’m glad I wasn’t born a hamster either!!

  20. You are a stitch! I have found a new funny bone. Thanks. Here’s a hug since you didn’t get what you wanted.

  21. Thank you so much for the hug,and the visit,Theresa!!!

  22. Man, I am so glad I’ll not ever turn out like my parents, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours (hold on, this could go on a while), or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, or yours, etc. etc. ad nauseum……

  23. Me too,Static!!

  24. At the heart of most humor is pain. Humor is a good palliative for the head but it can’t get to the heart. Here’s wishing you the healing balm of love for 2009.

  25. Thank you so much,Marvel Goose. Your sentiments are much appreciated!!

  26. If I could I would adopted you. It seem your missing genuine, unconditional love. With all your energy and beauty, someone is missing out.

  27. Awww that’s sweet,Richard. Thank you so much!!

  28. I think that you are actually my sister.

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