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Helping My Holy Husband See The Light

December 3, 2008

So anyone who reads this blog knows that I’m a married woman. But what you might not know, is that I entered into this union fresh off the vine at the age of eighteen. And no, it wasn’t a shotgun wedding either.My family was properly warned that if they even thought of bring a shotgun into that church and woke up my six month old baby girl during the service ,I would be packin a knife in my garter belt with their name on it, and they knew from experience I wasn’t afraid to use it.

I guess being so young when I got married, I was still very naive about men. I thought for sure some of the things about him that annoyed me would change in time or maybe with a little help from my knife. Now though after almost twenty years with this man ,I’m certain some things will never change,no matter what kind of weapon I use on him, be it steel or flesh, he will not budge.And not because he doesn’t know I’m right(that’s a given,I’m always right)but I believe it’s because he lives to piss me off.

Take for instance the way he dresses around me,it’s atrocious!He makes a bum look like a fashionista, and I just don’t understand it.I’ve spent hours shopping for amazing clothes for him to wear,and he’ll wear them on the job. When he gets dressed to go to work he looks acceptable and sometimes even head turning. He takes the time to make sure he smells great,and even coordinates colors perfectly which shows he did listen to all I’ve taught him about fashion,he just can’t seem to apply it when he blessed with just my presence. The only way to describe his attire when we’re together is to say he’s a walking peep show. He has holes in every garment be it under or over, there’s a gaping spot of flesh jutting out….and this bothers me,and he’s well aware of this fact.

I have tried everything humanly possible to correct his peek-a-boo ensemble collection, from sewing up the bare spots to just throwing the damn thing out which really tends to piss him off. If I’m caught in the act, he’ll scream “Hey that’s a perfectly good,( insert whatever garment here.)” and has been known to even trash dive to retrieve his beloved piece of cloth,and then makes it a point to wear it twice as often just to prove his point, it drives me crazy and he loves it.

At this point I know that this behavior is ingrained deep within his psyche and isn’t going to change no matter how much trauma it causes him or me. And trust me, he has had some consequences for his lack of talent in this area. I’ll never forget the time when he was still young and I was hoping maybe still a little naive,we decided to go get a family portrait taken. I took days picking out outfits for our whole family to make sure we all looked Rockefeller like. Once the day came I dressed the baby and myself to perfection. I walked out into the living room and spotted him looking quite debonair. I was so impressed that I made sure to make a huge deal about how great he looked to show him how proud I was of his skills. He didn’t say much and just smiled as we got in the car to leave ,and then waited till we were miles from home ,to kill my excitement. That’s when he spread his legs open and reveal to me a HUGE hole right in the crotch of his pants! One look at his tighty whities hanging out of that hole and I knew all hopes of me having a nice smile in the picture were lost. He, on the other hand, thought it was hysterical and didn’t understand why I didn’t find the humor in his fashion faux pas.

We sat there in the waiting room with him giggling and me sitting there annoyed as hell,but praying for a miracle. Minutes later my prayers were answered and came in the form of our photographer who was noticeably as queer as a three dollar bill,and informed us as soon as we met him, that his favorite way to position people was to first have the man in the photo straddle the chair,and then bring the woman and children in to bunch around him. I told him that sounded like a great idea,but asked if we could take some of the lone straddler first. And that is just what we did.Oh,how I love the look on my husband face in that picture,I smile every time I see it.

Unfortunately,even having a gay man staring at his sack with delight,didn’t make him see the error in his ways. No,to this day he still sees the need for well ventilated clothing,and all the bitchin I throw at him doesn’t change the fact one bit.So I’ve devised a plan to turn his horrible dressing disability into some cold hard cash this holiday season. About a month ago,I started carrying a bucket that says DONATIONS across the front of it,instead of my normal handbag. I’ve convinced him that this bucket purse is all the rage right now and that everyone has replaced their Coach or Gucci handbag for this new brand called”Donations”,they are suppose to be better for the environment,yada,yada,you know.

He bought into it,so the plan is in place.Now over the holiday season all I have to do while we’re walking past the stores is tell him I need to run in really quick and ask him if he minds staying out(which he’ll love), and holding my hip new bucket bag,because it’s to heavy for me to carry.That will make him feel all manly so he won’t be able to resist.And Voila, with him holding my bucket and dressed in his normal habit,I’d bet my front teeth it won’t take but seconds, before people start to feel sorry for this poor little homeless looking man,and the tips will start pouring in.
The way I see it, is that if he refuses to see things my way and doesn’t want to dress like a million bucks,maybe he can make a few.Because all is fair in love and bad dressing….don’t ya think?

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62 comments

  1. LMFAO!!!!
    I think it’s a guy thing. I have PLENTY of clothes that should be thrown out. For example, I have a FAVORITE shirt that has some various, small bleach spots. It’s a dark shirt, so the spots are blatantly obvious. But whenever I want to wear it, I just grab my handy-dandy black sharpie to color in the spots, and it’s like new! On the other hand, I do know that there are times when a woman wants her man to look good, and not just when they’re going somewhere. Sometimes it’s nice to do it just for her. 😉


  2. That’s the kind of creative thinking that will save a marriage! Have him do the Christmas shopping while he’s at the mall collecting money too…


  3. Maybe you should talk to my husband then,Anonymous. Just promise me, you’ll leave out the idea of helping your wardrobe through Sharpie therapy.


  4. Exactly,VE! My idea, is a win,win situation waiting to happen!


  5. I’m actually wearing a pair of jeans with a hole in the crotch as I read this. I swear-no joke…
    There’s no one around me that I feel a need to “dress” for, and if and when I go out I just do my best not to show the crotch…like straddle chairs. Unless of course that would be for a lap dance.


  6. Explain to me why you still own these pants,Don? Help me understand the reason behind wanting to be well ventilated down there. You know, if people see the hole they’ll think the reason is because of nasty hygiene down below. Trust me,that’s not going to help you with the ladies!!


  7. Clothes aren’t worth wearing until they’ve been well-worn. They’re not sufficiently comfortable.

    I give all my new clothes to homeless people on the condition that they agree to give my clothes back after they’ve been properly worn-in. This also helps to give the clothes a healthy “lived in” smell.


  8. What a awesome way to help the needy,Joel. I’m quite impressed!


  9. Utilise your knife on a daily subtle basis [oooo – the subtle knife – I must use that as book title one day – tee hee] and gradually increase the size of rents and rips until each offending garment is hanging on by a thread …….. he’ll make the right decisions eventually. Do remember to shake your head and tut sympathetically at each demise …. but you know that already don’t you?


  10. Ah,DP! I don’t know what I’d do without you and your helpful hints! Thank you so much!!! I’ll be having him look like a tiger attack him in less than a weeks time, thanks to you!


  11. Ahahaha. I love DP’s idea!


  12. I do too,Jules! I’ll have to let ya know how it works out.


  13. LMAO! You just described most husbands in America.

    My wife gave up on me several years ago. No joke, she now wraps empty boxes to represent the clothes she would have bought me for xmas. When I open said boxes, she tells me to buy my own damn clothes.

    I do dress proper when I leave the house for any reason other than to take out the trash. 🙂


  14. Your wife idea is awesome,Erebus! I might just have to try that.


  15. Please don’t rat me out as the source of your new amusement. I violated “man-code” by passing this to you.

    I must also respectfully apologize to any men who comment here, and had to read my error in judgment.


  16. LOL! Erebus, I don’t think you let me in on guy code.Hell,even if you did,I didn’t understand it!! LOL!


  17. This is funny, The wife was just bitching about this the other day!

    Ok here is the way I(and most others look at it.) Lets say we go out to the bar, I get all dressed up the way the wife wants me to look. At the bar she notices a few other ladies checking me out and gets pissed! Now she is not going to say anything to them! So who gets biched at? ME! So how to solve this problem is NOT to dress up nice. I get to go to the bar and not get yelled at later on!

    @ Erebus How did you get her to stop nagging?


  18. LOL!Rev! That is so sweet of you to be soooo selfless not to dress up because the sight of you might overwhelm the masses of females?? Is that it?? LOL!
    That is a good one,but come on be honest! You must like the “comfort” in wore out clothes too!! Don’t you?


  19. interesting post there, thanks and keep up the good work.


  20. WOW! that sounded like my wife.

    Of course I love the comfort! My suday best is a pair of jeans with a dime sized hole on the left ass cheek(every pair of jeans I own). and a t-shirt with some saying on it:).


  21. T….
    Hahaha! Loved the part about the fancy family picture, so true! Now I laugh when I look at those.
    What’s really bad is that some of my hubs shirts are older than our 12 year old son.
    Eve


  22. Thank you,Vijayanths.


  23. What does the t-shirt say,Rev.? Something like “Hey check out my hole!” Now how would you like it if your wife wore that shirt? LOL!


  24. I feel ya,Eve,on that one! I think some of mine are prehistoric!!


  25. That would be too funny… Now I am on the hunt for that shirt!


  26. Maybe I should become a t-shirt maker. Then I could send you that one ,and the “Little Penises Need Love Too” shirt.


  27. LOL I feel ya! I don’t know how many times in mine and hubs twenty plus years I’ve said, “You’re not going to wear that are you?” And 99% of the time he wears it anyway. He can drive me crazy. He’s so darn cute though, I can’t stay mad at him for long!


  28. Awe, Angie,that is so sweet. Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how “cute” he is…I hold a grudge! LOL!


  29. @Rev.Hatter – Simple matter of wearing her down, I guess. Or maybe you could say I just ignored certain complaints. I’m good at tuning things out.


  30. I can’t believe I published that comment,Erebus.
    I hope that wasn’t meant as advice for the Rev…you’re gonna get him in trouble with the Mrs.!


  31. Husbands are in a perpetual state of trouble when it comes to you guys. Kind of like having a tapeworm >;)


  32. Well like a tapeworm,Erebus,we always leave you hungry for more.


  33. Lol. Going back to the hole issue, I had a science teacher who wore the same jeans every single time I had his class which was every other day. How did I know they were the same jeans? The hole on the back right pocket.

    On another disgusting habit some (typically older) males have…handkerchiefs. Same science teacher used to stick a handkerchief in that pocket, occasionally pulling it out to go to town on his nose. *gag*


  34. Yuck,the beloved handkerchiefs! As soon as I saw that word,a visual popped in my head,Jules. Thankfully,there are no handkerchiefs allowed in my house.


  35. my ex-hubs was like that too! I could never figure out why he was so proud of his holey, ratty clothes. it was maddening. I love the bucket idea! 🙂


  36. I think it’s a man’s way of showing too much skin,Chat Blanc. Unfortunately where the holes are in their clothing,you can’t just throw a jacket on to cover them up.


  37. @Erebus you mean it take longer than 12 years to get her to not care!?

    T, I’m in trouble all the time anyways.


  38. How come I’m starting to feel like I’m running a men’s support group here?


  39. OH this isn’t the NO MA’AM Website? Sorry

    got to love Married with Children!


  40. I loved “Married With Children”!


  41. Yet again … thanks for the good laugh – I think we married twins! Also shared that post with my entire office – had a good half hour break discussing how hysterically funny you truly are!

    DMLD


  42. Oh thank you,DMLD! Your comment made my day!!


  43. First, there is NO WAY you are over thirty. I see your pictures, which usually add ten years along with ten pounds!

    As a painter, I have a lot of painty clothes. It will sneak in from my studio, via magic or cat paws. That said, I’m not a fashion plate by any stretch. But recently, I have been volunteering in a prison.

    As some one who is representing others, I make sure I am dressed well, as well as conforming to prison regulations: No hoodies, hats, kahki, jewelry, white t-shirts, shorts, minis, sleeveless/see-through shirts, etc.

    I don’t have a full length mirror, so guess how well I look, by checking the top at my beaureau, and the bottom in a large mirror leaning against the wall.

    I was surprised to see my bright pink bra peeping through a hole in my pit the other day. I hope that it was not a long standing hole. But this is a VERY new development.

    At 42, I am beginning to care! In fact, I’m about to mend a skirt that has been held together by safety pins for over a year. Which means, there may be hope for your husband. If not, be happy with the fact that this is not life threatening……

    However, don’t let him know it gets to you any more. It seems he enjoys this. If he doesn’t get a rise out of you, he may lose interest and look for another way to irritate you!


  44. Dano,
    Let me just say,I love you! Thank you so much for the compliment that I don’t look over 30.The truth be told though, I was born on Oct.14th of 1972,and that means I’m closer to 40 now than I am to 30.

    And as for my husband looking for another way to irritate me….the clothing issues is just one of MANY! LOL!


  45. @Rev. Hatter – 12 years! LOL. I’ve only been married for 10 years. I managed to wear her down in just five.

    Thinkinfyou – Thanks for your sponsorship. 🙂 You should put up a chat box.


  46. Uh NO,Erebus! I’m not going to support this type of behavior. I’m a female remember!?!


  47. T, don’t look at it as a male support group, but more of a look into a males mind.

    Erebus well we’ve been together 12 years but married for 4 of those.


  48. Well,Rev,every time I’ve done that in the past….I don’t find anything. LOL!


  49. LMAO…it’s so nice to know that my husband isn’t the only one. As a matter of fact, can’t we start like their own community or something ? The ” I’m not broke but prefer to look broke” group ?


  50. LOL Great post — love the Donations Bucket.

    Stace gave up on me years ago. Now I can wear whatever I want. Whew.


  51. I don’t know about your husband Dani,but mine doesn’t need a support group for his bad habit. I know him well enough to know,he wouldn’t get any better,and just pick up some new tricks from the other groupies.


  52. I’m all for wearing what you want,Hedon. But I ask you,do you sport gapping holes in the crotch of your pants? There’s an issue of indecent exposure with him.


  53. What is it about women that they fuss over nothing? Your man sounds quite normal to me. I admit that most of my clothes are not as young as they used to be, (some of my shirts are over 20 years old)but perfectly wearable!

    Anyway, women do nag all the time over nothing, and they also use pictures of themselves that make them look about 23 while they claim to be older!


  54. WOW,Adullamite, you must be great with the ladies! By that I mean the inflatable ones!


  55. Ahhh women.

    So like the devoutly religious, right in their ways, unable to see that everybody has their own thing.

    But it makes for good stories.


  56. Mike,
    I don’t have a problem with people having their own thing. I just think it’s inappropriate, to have their “thing” sticking out of a hole in their clothing.


  57. LOL… inflatable.

    As you so rightly guessed, Stace would NOT be cool with me wandering around in public doing some sort of Haggy Peep Show.

    There’s a big difference between “everybody to their own taste” in clothing and “look everybody — it’s Mr Happy.” How hard is it to get a good grasp on that concept?

    It’s not like you’re saying you don’t want the Hubs to wear purple… you’re saying you don’t want him scaring pets and small children with unfortunately placed holes. I think that’s perfectly reasonable on your part.


  58. LOL! Oh,Hedon..I think we are going to be fast friends!

    You hit it on the head. I am looking out for the welfare of pets and small children.Hell,I’ve been traumatized enough by it myself!


  59. “gay man delighting in his sack?”

    Hilarious! LMBO!

    By the way, *nervous giggle* I know we don’t know each other very well, but I tagged you! hee hee?

    I hope you don’t mind! I thought it would be a fun (and sadistic) way to get to know you better!

    I’m ducking! Just in case!


  60. Awww,thank you,Quirkyloon!

    I’ll have to pop over, and see what it’s all about.
    Thanks again!!


  61. You can only help them so much. I’ve tried and it works a small percentage of the time. The other percentage they’re still going to wear that godawful hooded sweatshirt and cargo-pant jeans. Or maybe that’s just my particular problem 🙂


  62. I’m glad your trying worked part time,Kim. I haven’t had that pleasure. Tell me,do the sweatshirts,and cargo pants have holes all in them? That’s my problem.



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