Dirty Memories

November 11, 2008

Do you remember your dirty friend? And no,I’m not talking about the one that used so much profanity,they’d make a sailor blush,although they are my favorite.I’m talking about your friend who always smelled a little funny,and you were scared to spend the night at their house. Remember him or her? Of course you do! I believe it’s almost a rite of passage to have a dirty friend.It normally goes birth,puberty,dirty friend,marriage,and death.Well, sometimes not in that exact order.No,so if you haven’t had the life altering experience of a dirty friend thus far,that just means one of two things.One,maybe you haven’t been formally introduced yet,or two,you just might be the dirty friend everyone will remember for the wrong reasons,no matter how wonderful you are.
I myself will never forget my dirty friend. In fact, I recall her every time I smell something foul like wet dog, body odor, road kill, mildew,or poop.It never fails,one whiff and I instantly wonder how she’s doing.Don’t get me wrong, I loved being her friend. She was tons of fun,as long as my nose was stuffy,or I didn’t have to spend the night at her house. That is where you realize where their funny smell comes from. The minute you step in the door,and are almost knocked over by a potpourri of pungent odors,you know without a doubt, this is where the lay their filthy head at night.

I still have nightmares about her house,and have to give her family credit for making me the clean freak I am today. Their house was so disgusting,from the litter box by the front door that had mounds of decomposing cat shit coming out of it, that nobody thought to clean, even though my friend didn’t even remember ever owning a cat. To the huge kitchen with no counter space because it was taken over by moldy dishes. I can remember having to hold back from throwing up watching her chow down off an random plate in the room regardless of the fact that it looked like it could grow legs any second and crawl away. I didn’t eat anything at her house,and oddly enough never felt hungry while I was there,probably due to the fact that I would go into survival mode upon arrival ,just hoping to make it through the night, without getting lost forever in the maze of clutter that was their decor,or without catching an infectious disease. These were dangerous times that have stuck in my memory for years.

The times spent with my dirty friend in her natural habitat have caused me to be an overprotective mother when it comes to my own children.Although I’m not stupid, I know dirty friends will happen,and they have, even to my own offspring,who have been warned of the dangers of the unclean. My middle baby,Sydney, had the worst experience with a dirty friend.This friend showed up at Sydney’s birthday party one year,without a parent(which should have been a sign.)By the end of the party Sydney and her were as thick as thieves,and Sydney begged for her to spend the night at our house. I didn’t have a problem with this,and told the little girl to call her mom and ask if she could stay. I talked to the mother myself and through what I could understand from her slurred speech,she said it was fine. Everything was going good,until it was time to get ready for bed,and I went in to kiss Syd goodnight. That is when I noticed the child lying next to mine had bugs crawling through her hair. I got the girls back up quickly to have the friend call her mother (I don’t like lice!) but when the kid got off the phone and proceeded to tell me her invalid grandmother answered the phone and said the cops picked up her mother that very night on a warrant, I realized that this child was going to be my responsibility for the night. I was up till after two in the morning treating her head,and my whole house with lice treatment.Exhausted I finally took the little girl home the next day.Walking her up to a single wide trailer with no front door,that was replaced by a nasty smell in it’s absence.As soon as that scent hit my nose,I found myself paralyzed with a case of dirty deja vu,and knew instantly Sydney has just passed another baby book worthy milestone in her life.She had found her dirty friend,the one who’s odor would stay in her mind long after the friend had gone.



  1. I often wondered if I was the dirty friend ……. so I used to wash – just incase – and do a spot of tidying up. It didn’t last long though ……..

  2. No shame in being a dirty friend,DP. Just think how unforgettable your smell made you.

  3. OMG I know of what you speak. Every time I see a really filthy commode — like in some gas stations — I think of my dirty friend. Only, she was grown, out on her own, and had two kids. She was the only friend I’ve ever had that I had to stand up to pee at her house. I wouldn’t even put my ass on her toilet. Ewwwwwwwwww. But I did love her.

    I’m guessin’ that her boys will be somebody’s “dirty friend”. 😦

  4. HA HA!!Angie, you do know what I’m talking about!! I swear it’s milestone in everyone’ life. Do you think the dirty friend has any idea they’re thought of that way?

  5. I never really had a true dirty friend. I had some that came close but I don’t think I would classify them that far gone. Now one of my girlfriends had a dirty friend. I personally thought the girl was a wench and was thus spared from ever having to stay at her house but it had roaches and bats and mice and all sorts of creatures of various sizes.


  6. That just means you day of dirty friendom has yet to come,Jules. Let me give you a piece of advice to help you…when you meet someone new,smell them before you even speak to them.

  7. That was really nice of you to take care of that girl thinkinfyou. Really.

    My dirty friend had a clean house, clean parents, but dirty room. Moldy, stinking, hazy room. Yes, I said hazy.

    His mother was a nurse, and she even brought home a “BIOHAZARD” sign, and hung it on his door. He loved it. I always slept on the couch when I stayed there. I don’t think I ever even crossed the door threshold into his room.

  8. Thank you ,Erebus. I tend to have a huge soft spot for children. This poor little girl had a hell of a family unit. She went to live with different family members,shortly after the school year was out.

    There is no way I would allow my kid’s rooms to get so dirty it’s hazy.Yuck! I don’t understand people who can live in filth.

  9. Unfortunately, smelling someone is a no go for me as my nose doesn’t work that way. What am I saying? Unfortunately??

    And hazy? That’s scary. Why on earth would the mom allow that?

  10. It is unfortunate,Jules.Frankly,I’m scared for you. Scared that you won’t have any clue that you have a dirty friend, until you life is changed forever from the experience.Makes me nervous for you,Jules,real nervous.

  11. I never had a dirty friend. Damn. Does that mean that I was the dirty friend? Oh great, one more thing for me to worry about and obsess over. As if I needed anything else. Fortunately, my self-esteem couldn’t be any lower than it already is, so I’m good there.

  12. Oh Joel! Maybe not.Maybe you just haven’t met him/her yet.

  13. I was the dirty friend according to my boyfriend’s mom, does that count?

    *wink wink*

  14. LOL! I think that is a totally different kind of dirty,Chelle.

  15. I wish I had had a few more female dirty friends…wait…you didn’t mean that kind of dirty.

    Back when I used to collect rare beer cans (laugh now…I sold them all for $60,000) there was this nearly toothless guy my age that I used to trade or buy from and it was scary going to his house to get what I wanted. Sounded like your experience…cat shit everywhere…nothing cleaned since 1967…you name it. I think I actually tip toed as I walked around…

  16. 60 grand!! WOW!! Who bought that from you? That’s amazing,and makes me wanna go out and collect cans for a living.

  17. I think I get out of the dirty friend thing because I have family that owns apartment buildings. Landlord is a scary job to have because people treat their apartments like they do rented cars. You should see the way people leave places when they move out. And who has to clean it up? Us.

  18. OK Jules,you win! That’s gotta be much worse. I couldn’t imagine having to clean up after dirty people.YUCK!

  19. Oh boy… here’s a secret for ya. I WAS the dirty friend. I had no idea!


    As kids we were left alone basically. And the house? OMG! I seriously NEVER once had an overnight guest. It was NOT allowed. My poor mom knew it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t understand – until I started staying at other people’s houses!

    My poor friends… oh yeah, I didn’t have many.

    Hmmmm… could be why!

    This was a great post!

  20. You didn’t have any idea,Monica? I think my friend knew this and didn’t care.It was a way of life with her family,and it wasn’t like they didn’t have money to clean up either.They were loaded,and just lazy.

  21. T..
    Just reading the word “lice”….I have have to go make sure no one has them now. BRB.

  22. I know exactly what you mean,Eve. Hearing it brings out the inner monkey in me too!

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