Understanding The Sexes

October 29, 2008

It was brought to my attention that in my last couple of posts,I might have come off as somewhat of a man hater,which was never my intention and the furthest thing from the truth. I happen to love people of the penis toting variety,and if my previous posts didn’t reflect that,it probably has to do with the frustration I feel sometimes not being able to figure men out.I mean men and women are made up of the same things.We both have one nose,two eyes,ten fingers,and thirty-two teeth(if you’ve taken care of them.)So why men act totally different than women puzzles the hell out of me,and just lead me to believe it must have something to do with having a penis.Now I’m sure the male persuasion will say they are just as confused by women,and will bring up the mood swings that comes with her monthly visitor. Believe me I understand that,and realize that’s no picnic either.So I’ve decided to write a post today helping both sexes out, of course in different ways.

For the men, I’m going to give you a link to a site that will make your life a lot easier. It’s called The PMS Buddy. What the site does is tracks the lovely lady in your life’s cycle,and then sends you email alerts to warn you from five day before PMS starts,to the day of,along with an overall threat index so you will never be blindsided by mood swings ever again. The site itself offers tons of tips on how to deal with the hormonally impaired, and has links you can use to buy flowers,wine,lingerie,or a vacation if things get too bad.
No need to thank me for this little life saver.It’s just my way of apologizing for sounding like a man hater. Believe me you’ll forgive me a month from now.

Now for the penile challenged like myself, I’ve decided to play a little game to try to see what it’s like to think like a man. So what I’ve done is laced the next couple of paragraphs with words that mean the same thing as the word penis. Feel free to print this out if you want,and circle how many you can find.And as your doing this,you’ll realize that it must be very hard having penis on your mind all the time.So try to be nice to the man in your life,and be thankful for your vagina. Start counting now!

I will never forget the day, I realized that boys were different than girls. It was a schlong time ago,but I remember it like it was yesterday. I believe it was a Tuesday when I was nine years old. I went to school that day and was looking forward to playing with my friends Jimmy,Peter,Rod,and John Thomas,but when I got there something was different. They didn’t seem very excited to see me.In fact,when I ran up to them, they all looked at me a little cock eyed. I tried to ask them what was wrong,but before I could get the words out, Mr. Jones started yelling that it was time for class. They all ran ahead of me like I was a monster and left me to walk like a little solider by myself.
The rest of the day was no different,every chance they got they gave me the shaft.They didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I never felt so alone, at one point I got all choad up ,but I held back the tears. I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t be a member of their club. And I tried everything I could to make friends with them again, I offered Jimmy my hot dog at lunch, asked Peter if he wanted to borrow my extra drumstick during music, and even told John Thomas he could use my new fishing rod if he would like,but nothing worked.It was right then I realized, I would never be a boy’s best friend again.



  1. “I tried to ask them what was wrong, but before I…”

    Umm…shouldn’t “wrong” have been “wong”? LOL

    Thanks for the link, but believe it our not I have my wife’s cycle down to a tee. Every other month is bad, bad, bad, and my instructions early on for those months was to just stay away.

    I tried to be nice the first bad month, but took her advice on the next one, and never looked back.

  2. Sorry the website is no good to you,Erebus.

    I didn’t even think of switching the word wrong. I figured I already used enough slang. Did you count? How many did you spot?

  3. Sorry, I forgot the challenge…let’s see…I count around 18 alternatives to Mr. Winky.

  4. I see you were up for the challenge,Erebus. But I think that’s more than I intended.

  5. I didn’t count, I was laughing too hard. Not sure I realized there were that many words one could substitute for penis.

    You’re on a roll girl!

  6. Those were just the tip of the iceberg,Bill. I found a site that had over a thousand slang words for penis.

  7. That reminds me a tad of a post I did a long time ago about the importance of correct punctuation and editing.

    ‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ turned into ‘The penis – mightier than the sword?’

    …… I believe the answer was “No”.

  8. LOL,DP!
    Maybe you just had a Freudian slip?

  9. If you’re looking for a penis genus, penii don’t have genii. I know, I know it’s nuts! Wish I could help I think (?).
    Oh, and I just stay away from the PMS issue en toto-like leave for five days and go play with myself.

  10. You are just guarding the secrets of man,Don. It’s OK all men do that,and play with themselves and not just for those 5 days. That’s no secret.

  11. 14 or 15 variations, I think. :^)

    My hubs just pampers me through all the PMS nightmare. He’s a keeper! Plus, I don’t keep a calendar at all. He just knows (by which personality shows up) and tells me, “you’re fixin’ to start”. LOL He’s always right!

  12. Wow Angie,that pretty impressive that your husband is just wired that way.Good for you,keep that one!!

  13. Well, it certainly seems like you’ve got the proverbial blue balls rolling. Although, I’d like to add something, not to dicker too much.

    I actually have to take an extra anti-depressant, starting ten days before I Celebrate The Joy of Being a Female. Or else I’d bump myself off.

    Taking the extra pill right now and sucking on some GI Gin. All I need is that man-toy you were creating! Oh, and anyone who took offense clearly was in some sort of metro-sexual huff.

  14. I can relate to needing something days before the monthly visitor,Dano. I have been off my meds for a year now, but the week before my period sometimes I wish I was still on them. Gotta love the joys of female hormones :o(

  15. Gosh dear. I feel so sad for you… awwww

    Happy Halloween ! 🙂

  16. There’s no reason to feel sad Clarisse.A lot of people don’t understand my humor.

    Happy Halloween to you too!

  17. Happy Halloween Tinkerbell!

  18. Thank you Erebus,and right back at ya!

  19. T..
    I’m still lol at “shlong time ago”….I will have to read this post several times! Where in the Hell what that PMS chart back fore my uterus runned oft? And how handy that it has a link to find out if your man is gay? I can tell you, iffin you need to click that link, he is.

  20. I didn’t see the “find out if your man is gay” link,Eve. It must be one of the ones that change with every visit.

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