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And They Say Nobody’s Perfect

October 23, 2008

I swear since the breakup with my birthday,it seems like I’ve become some sort of bad birthday superhero ridding everyone around me of their bad birthday worries by flying in with a twirl of my cape and making their birthday behave themselves,because if they don’t they’ll have to deal with my new found superpowers. I can surprise the unsuspecting bad birthday by hurling cake out of a special place and if that’s not enough to shape that birthday up ,all I have to do is start singing “Happy Birthday”,and that’s more than enough to freak the birthday out and make presents fall from the sky.You should see me,it’s really quite impressive.

Now I don’t start out as “Birthday Bitch Wonder”,no, I give the birthday a chance and even help make it’s job easier. Take for instance, one of my bestest ever friend’s birthday is Nov.10th. Her fuckhead of a boyfriend and her just broke up. I want to do a victory dance,but she’s not ready to put on her dancing shoes yet. He took her self esteem and wiped his dumb ass with it too many times.I know she sees that he’s not good for her,but doesn’t really know how to stop those “How am I suppose to go on without him” feelings. If you have any suggestions feel free to leave a comment and I’ll relay them to her.

I love her to death,but I have to say she has horrible taste in men.I’ve told her before I need to drop her ass down at the gates of the local jail so she can wait for the next parolee,the only reason I haven’t is I think she’d like that too much.She’s a beautiful,smart,and funny girl that has so much to offer,but tends to give too much of herself to the most undeserving bi polar douche bags she can find. I think this behavior stems from the fact that she feels she’s getting older and needs to make that glass slipper fit so the fairy tale can begin.Unfortunately I’m not a big believer in fairy tales anymore,so I’ve decided to help her twist the story but still leave it with a happy ending(and not the kind you have to clean up afterwards.)

So this is the plan I’ve come up with to help her have the best birthday ever, and make her long wanted wish to come true, without having to blow out the candles.I only have eighteen days to make this happen,and looking at the list I’ve devised I’m going to need each and every one. I figure I need to start with making a mold of at least a six foot tall man in my backyard.Then research on the internet a good material that I can pour into the mold that won’t break her skin out.Once the cast of “Mr.Perfect” is made,I have all the details to deal with like,buying the right wig and sewing that shit on,purchasing synthetic big blue bedroom eyes,going to the adult store hoping they don’t have my picture still hanging in there and looking for what I believe is called “The Beast”,buying some good screws so she doesn’t break the damn thing off.Then I plan to take my voice recorder out with me for a day and approach random men and asking them to say things into it every woman would die to hear like “I love you for you”,”My God! you are walking perfection”,”You are soooo tight”,”I don’t know what I would without you and that brain of yours”,”Baby your ass looks great in those jeans”,etc.After that I’m going to take time to rest,because I don’t have to invest to much time into creating a brain for “Mr.Perfect”, I will have already handled giving him a penis,and as for giving him a heart well I’m not sure what to do about that,I want him to be as close to the real thing as possible.

What do you think? Have I forgotten anything that would help perfect “Mr.Perfect”? I think it’s an amazing present,and one that will make her the envy of all her friends.
In the meantime while I’m busy creating perfection I figured I need to do something to help her through her pre perfect days,so I decided to send her a good song to sing to instead of calling “Mr.Thinks He’s Perfect”,with a little note attached that reads”Everything will be more than OK soon.It’ll be PERFECT”,just as soon as I’m done making him!

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22 comments

  1. That’s a tall order you’ve placed there. Wouldn’t it be easier to just order something like that from an adult catalog? 🙂


  2. We are talking perfection here,Erebus. I don’t know if I want to take the risk of ordering from an adult catalog and getting shitty craftmanship. If I build him myself,it’s less likely that something will go wrong. LOL!


  3. Ahahahhahhahha! You should start a business! Custom made Mr. Perfects!


  4. LOL! We will have to see how this one turns out first. Keep your fingers crossed that he turns out perfectly. I bet I could make a fortune.


  5. Catalog orders tend to have plastic seams on the edges of the limbs.

    Not…that I’d know. Just what I’ve heard. Really.

    Actually getting shivers wondering ‘where’ you’d have gotten the penis. My legs are crossed at the moment. I really want you to know I enjoy your blog.

    We’re friends, aren’t we? By the way…there aren’t any penii anywhere in the vicinity. Really. 🙂


  6. I’ll make a mental note of the seams,Jon. No I’m going to take my time and build him myself,because I feel the best gifts are homemade.

    Did you say you enjoy my blog out of “penis fear”? I can honestly say that any “live” penii are safe.I think she’d be better off with one off the shelf.

    And yes we are friends! :o)


  7. Good luck with your modeling “career”. Hope you get the perfect creation for you friend. It may take a while though. She seems to be in too much of a hurry to wait…just don’t make the balls bigger than the brain. They can get in the way. Er, I’ve read that. 🙂


  8. T….
    Ain’t no need of you goin’ to all that trouble! I got me a stack of winners I can set her up with!!!
    Thanks for the Katy dance break..I needed that.
    Eve


  9. Don I prefer to call it my “man making” career.
    I was thinking about making the balls removable for those tender moments.


  10. Well then I’m gonna send her your way,Eve.

    I love that song! I didn’t like the last one she put out but this one you can’t help but shake your ass to!


  11. What a thoughtful friend you are!

    Demented LOL – but thoughtful.


  12. Bill,
    She wouldn’t want me any other way….being friends with me makes people feel a whole lot better about themselves.


  13. Don’t forget to add a feature where after he’s done providing the pleasure he gets up and brings her a cold bottle of water and draws her a bath.


  14. That is a great idea,Kim!


  15. I’ve found the perfect man! You have to see this! I thought of you as soon as I saw it!


  16. I LOVE THE CHOCOLATE AXE MAN,Jules! Although I don’t know if I want to be held responsible for all the weight she would gain while enjoying him.


  17. Oh. Good point. I didn’t think of that. Maybe just certain bits made of chocolate?


  18. Sounds great! Then I’ll just have to tell her not to swallow.


  19. Sweet-pea~Some of your writing was not enabled, so I may have missed some crucial points. Also, the video is no longer available. Typical.

    I’ve seen some stuff about silicone girlfriends, thanks to my pals over at PinkLatex….Not that I was looking. Anyhow, you can customize your order, with sizes (tits not fat), hair and race.

    I’d heard about the silicones before, from my friend Lori. She’d seen a program where the owners set up situations and photograph them.

    Apparently, there is a chat room for fans of silicone babes. Some say that it’s better for them to have the doll, as the shit they do to them, would in the real world get them arrested.

    The program also interviews a woman, who fixes the damage done to these dolls. There was one that came to her shop that was so messed up, she refused to fix it, because she was so disturbed.

    I popped over to that site and they have some marvey looking penii. I suppose they just want you to sit ‘n’ spin. But I’m not sure where the prick is attached.

    Best of luck withyour friend. The only thing that I would add is : Don’t settle. Why spend time with a wanker? If you want friendship and company, lovely memories and meaningful chats, you have your girlfriends.

    For a good lay, options run from the Hitatchi Magic Wand, The Rabbit, or a fun pick-up, with a guy who is no good on the relationship issue, but rocking in bed.

    Let’s face it, those are the best lays. Unless you want a white wedding. Which I know I’ll never want or get.


  20. Dano,
    I’ll have to find the video again…it was working earlier.It’s of the new Katy Perry song “Hot N Cold.”
    I’ll have to check out these silicone dolls.They make male ones now too?
    And thank you for the advice for my friend.I tell her the same things all the time.I guess she not at the point yet where she wants to burn the picket fence down,and step out into greener pastures.


  21. Can I be your friend? ….. and it’s my birthday soon ……..

    [fantastic word verification!!!!! diedp!!!! giggling a lot here]


  22. You are my friend,DP! Whatcha want for your birthday?

    P.S. I didn’t have anything to do with the word verification.



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