Birthday, It’s Not You It’s Me

October 16, 2008

I have a confession to make today. I’m not in love with my birthday anymore,and I have a horrible feeling that it’s going to be a pretty severe breakup between me and October 14th. I hate to be cruel but I just don’t find anything appealing about it anymore,and wish it would just go away and leave me alone.I know that’s easier said than done though,because I’ve been with my birthday long enough to know it’s pretty stubborn, and will still stalk me once a year hoping I will find love for it once again. Unfortunately,it’s attempts will be futile ,I’m over it, and I wish it would realize that bringing cake,balloons,and people singing to me, won’t bring back that lovin’ feeling.

This might sounds really materialistic,but the reason behind the break up has to do with it’s inability to be a good gift giver anymore.At one time my birthday was the best gift giver out there. I can remember when the relationship first started, it would come bringing great gifts like the ability to walk,talk,and go pee pee in the big girl potty.Those were the days,it was so thoughtful, all of the gifts it gave me were things I really needed and wanted. Hell, even as I got older the gifts were different but just as cool. I can remember when I was twelve and it gave me the gift of boobs and pubic hair,I don’t think I’ve ever been as thrilled in my life, and I found I couldn’t wait for it’s return just so I could see all the wonders it would bestow on me. For years it never let me down, I turned sixteen and it convinced people that I could drive, at twenty-one it helped me not have to be a closet drinker anymore, and even at thirty it made people start seeing me as an adult. I really don’t understand what happen between us.

Looking back, the relationship was good for quite a few years,but then there came a point where it decided to be an Indian giver,and take all the gifts away from me that it gave me years before,like a abusive boyfriend.If you asked my birthday about it, it would lie and try to say that these things happened on their own without it’s help,but don’t listen to it… it’s a fucking liar!! Take for instant the breasts it gave me at twelve ,they were perky and perfect. I was so thankful for it’s kindness, that I took care of them to show that they were a treasured gift. I guess that wasn’t enough for October 14th,because over the years it decided to start taking them away from me slowly, so no one would notice that it was its fault. And now I’m left with breasts that remind me of two little Ethiopian children.They are painful for anyone to look at without wanting to cry themselves, because they know they are too far gone to be helped.Not to mention the fact that flies are starting to circle them when I go outside. Did it really have to go that far with it? Do you see why I hate it now??

My birthday knows deep down that this break up is its fault. It’s knows the last couple of years it has given me things that nobody would want,just to make me miserable. I know for a fact it has never heard me say, that I wanted cellulite,wrinkles,and a urinary incontinence problem. No I didn’t, but guess what it brought me, and of course being the asshole its become,it ripped the tags off the shit, so I can’t return it and get something that would make me happy. I’m just DONE!!

It has gotten to the point that even my friends and family can see the strain in our relationship. They come over the day it’s in town and see the damage it’s causing me ,you can tell by the sad looks on their faces.They try to cover it up by saying something like, ” Well you might be getting older,but that only means you’re getting wiser”,and I take that as code for ,”get the hell out now,and stay away from your birthday it’s not good for you!! “So that’s what I’ve decided to do.Of course having to deal with the “gifts” my birthday has given me,doesn’t leave to much time to come up with a solution. Wetting yourself takes up more time than you would think.

In the last couple of days since it left, I have really given a lot of thought on how to never have to deal with my birthday again. I did come up with a few birthday break up techniques that might work ,like I could say, “October 14th,you know we had something special between us,but I feel bad that you shower me with all this attention. Why don’t you go focus on Usher or Ralph Lauren?You are their birthday too.It would only be right for you to give a little more to them for awhile. No really,I’ll be fine. Just go.” Then I could fake cry a little.But being the kind of birthday that it is,I know it’s not going to let go easily.So my best bet might be, to give up hiding from the Jehovah’s Witness people that come to my door every week, and join them in their endless game of hide and go seek. Although it must suck always being IT,and the people not even coming out of their hiding places no matter how long you knock. Knowing me , I’ll bore of that game rather quickly.Ugh! I don’t know what to do.Thankfully, I’ve got 363 days to figure it out. So wish me luck on never having to be wished a happy birthday again!



  1. I can only think of one real alternative to never having another birthday. I’ll take the birthdays for a while longer-thank you.

  2. I see your approach,Don. You’re saying appreciate the birthday.Which only makes me think that yours has yet to mess with your penis(and not in the good way either.)When that day comes and it will come,you’ll be asking me for advice on how to rid yourself of the dreaded day!
    Wait till it blows that candle out,Don. Just wait!!

  3. LOL. Your post was hilarious but your comment to Don was even better. I will never look at another birthday the same way again.

  4. Well you are still young Jules,so your birthday should still be giving you great things. Just don’t trust it or get use to the things it gives you because when you least expect it they will be taken away. Be prepared!!

  5. Dump that bitch-day like a wet bag of dog shit!

    I started acting like my father a few years back, telling everyone to just leave me the hell alone on my birthday. It works some years.

    Did your new license picture turn out good? Did you give a look indicating your new distaste with the day? If I were to pull you over, would I think of ass bleaching, or say to myself “this lady really hates her birthday”?

  6. You know I never thought I would be one of those nasty old people,that yell at everyone and are just plain miserable all the time,but now I see that very well could be my future,Erebus.
    As for the drivers license picture,it turned out OK.With a flash like they use though,you can’t help looking a little deer in the headlights.

  7. Welcome to the humor cabal, but hey.. leave the birthdays at the door. I am allergic to them!! 😛

    Chelle B. – Birthdayaphobic and head cabal leader at humorbloggers.com

  8. Thank you for the welcome!! I can’t tell you how excited I am!Trust me, I won’t be bringing my birthday with me.Although the doctor says, I still have to finish the medicine he gave me to clear up the rash my birthday left me with.Hope that’s OK!?!
    Thanks Again!!!

  9. I was going to say ‘Happy Birthday’ but I shan’t bother now ….. I’m late anyway so you’re even older …. oh dear

  10. I’m not older,DP. Since I don’t have a birthday anymore, so I can’t be getting any older. Denial is a very comfortable place to be!!

  11. Look on the bright side. Your panda in that picture hasn’t aged a day!

  12. Uh,VE that’s a cake.

  13. OMG…I never realized that I could just break it off with my birthday. I’ve just been hanging on for the kids, I guess. You know, waiting until they’re older before kickin’ my b-day to the curb. I’m a little scared of my b-day. I may have to just pack up the family and leave in the middle of the night.

    If you figure out how to sever the ties completely, short of death, let me know! :^)

    p.s. super funny girlfriend — thanks for the laugh

  14. am on a mission to figure out a way,Angiess. I wonder if you could take out a restraining order against a day of the year? It could work…stranger things have happened!
    Thanks for the visit. I really love your blog!

  15. I wonder. Could your birthday be used as a tool, or maybe like bait.

    Throw a party, have people come over and bring you gifts. Then disavow the day, and throw everyone out…My birthday, whats that? No stinking birthday here…just leave those wrapped boxes by the door on your way out please.

  16. I’m afraid that wouldn’t work Erebus.Because as you age the gifts people bring you are just a cruel reminder of “the birthday.” For instance I got sleepwear-because people realized with my age..I would be sleeping a whole lot more. I got good sunless tanning stuff- because being tan hides body flaws that “the birthday gave you. And stress relief bath stuff-you probably see that as a nice gift to help me relax…but you would be wrong,it’s to help mask the old people smell that’s trailing me.
    So gifts are not such a good idea because I’m thinking what’s next a walker????

  17. Oh grl!
    This is destined to become a classic! Stumblin ya. Hey, why don’t you just move it to that fake day we have in February during leap year?
    Is that a panda cake?

  18. Thanks,Eve for the stumble. Feb.29th sounds a lot better than Oct.14th. Yep my aunt made that for me….at least someone in the family got some talent!!

  19. I’m with Eve, this was probably your funniest post! I’ll stumble too, loved it. Made me glad I dont have breasts, I’ll tell you that. And glad I can’t see my butt too, cause its probably suffering the same fate lol.

  20. Thanks,Bill. You know a lot of people thought I went a little to far with comparing my breasts to Ethiopian children. I guess they can’t handle the truth!

  21. Good luck… But birthdays are hard to get separated from. They can get quite vindictive. They sorta have connections. Godfather time. Godmother nature. One twisted word and they’ll pull the big guns. Many people are now sleeping with the fishes because they crossed a Birthday. (Trust me… Nobody wants to sleep with fishes. They really stink.)

    Really funny post. Can’t believe it took so long for me to get here. I’ve stumbled this.

  22. Hammy,
    My birthday sent you to threaten me ,didn’t it? Well you can go back and tell it that I’m not scared!! I’ve got connections too!!

  23. Hey, I’m on YOUR side. So you don’t like your birthday. So what?

    Ahem… On an unrelated note… Do you own a pony? A stallion would be great, but a pony will do. Or a pet dog. Something…

    Why? Uhhh… Nothing… I gotta go. Bye.

  24. OK,Hammy,I’m totally confused now. I don’t own a horse,but I do live in horse country.Does that count?

  25. […] hiding behind a damn bush. Well,if you must know it’s October 14th,and we all remember what happened last year. This year I’m not taking any chances of having my abusive birthday fuck with me again. Now I […]

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