A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Innocent Lives

October 13, 2008

I’ve found myself in a very difficult dilemma today, that I know through experience will take me a good twenty-four hours to prepare for it’s resolution, but it will all be worth it in the end. You see tomorrow is my birthday, but that isn’t what has me overly concerned. No on the contrary, I still love my birthday no matter how much older I’m getting. I still wear my birthday tiara and parade around like a two year old showing off her new big girl panties. I just love birthdays and always have, especially my own. Because the way I see it is ,it’s the one day a year that people have to be nice to me, or I can banish them from my kingdom without anyone saying a thing about it, and that right there, makes me happier than chocolate cake.

Unfortunately the problem that is consuming me today, is no where near a piece of cake. I have to go get my drivers license picture retaken tomorrow. In Florida you have to get a new drivers license picture every four years on your birthday, which to some might not be a big deal ,but that just means that they don’t see the value in having a great drivers license picture, YET. That is why I’m here writing this post today ,to serve as a testimonial to show non believers that I’m living proof that a good drivers license picture can save you tons of money on traffic tickets. You see, in my youth, I too thought that a good drivers license picture wasn’t important. I guess I was too young to understand the ramifications that came with having a bad picture. So, I didn’t take the time to prepare at all and would walk away with a horrible picture that would remain hidden behind my maxed out credit cards for the next four years. Not only that, I would also find myself driving like a grandma anywhere I went because the shame that came with the picture. I was so afraid that if I got pulled over and handed the officer my license he would have carted my ass off to jail for carrying a weapon of mass destruction that was my ID picture. Seriously, I know for a fact that one convenient store attendant that asked me to see my ID had permanent damage to his retinas from viewing my drivers license without proper eye protection. It was at that moment when he was bent over holding his eyes and yelling “my eyes, my eyes”, I grab my license up and ran out of the store ,knowing that my “who gives a shit” attitude about a drivers license picture now had inflicted pain onto more than just myself. I saw it as my civic duty to rectify this problem.

So, I went home and prepared myself to take the picture of a lifetime. I touched up my roots, showered ,shaved, waxed my eyebrows ,did a little anal bleaching, whitened ,brushed, and flossed my teeth, did my makeup flawlessly, picked out the perfect outfit, and headed down to the DMV and took the picture, that my family used as our Christmas card that year…..it’s just that good. I could almost cry when I think of how much my life has changed since having the perfect drivers license picture.

I now speed through town hoping that a policeman will pull me over. Because I know that I won’t be getting a ticket, but he’ll be asking for my autograph. I can walk into the convenience store with confidence and know I won’t be recognized for my past offenses, partly because he still can’t see very well and partly because the change in picture is so drastic, nobody would ever believe it’s humanly possible that a person could go from Yuck, to Fuck that quickly. Only I know the truth and that is why today as I sit here with my bleach soaking ass, and perfectly coifed hair telling you to not make the same mistakes I did. Sure, it takes a lot of forethought ,physical preparation, and skill (if I do say so myself),to ready yourself for this daunting task, but trust me it will save you tons of trouble in the end.

At this point, I need to wrap up this post, because my bikini area isn’t going to wax itself. I sure hope that this post effects some of you enough to see the dangers in bad DMV pictures and you’ll take the time the next time you’re up for a retake and really give it your best shot. I’m leaving it up to you to decide, what’s it gonna be a mug shot or a glamour shot……the choice is yours!!



  1. It’s a lot different for guys I suppose. We have the same situation in Ms. Every four years on birthdate. Mine was this past Jan. I still have my 4 yr. old license though. Reason, if I get pulled over they’ll probably just haul me off anyway, so why waste the time and effort? Besides, I couldn’t possibly look as good as you do so what the hell!

  2. Don,that is the wrong attitude to have. There are lady cops and gay cops,so you this could work for you if you worked it…just a suggestion.
    Keep your fingers crossed it works tomorrow for me when I go get my picture retaken.

  3. Oh, Girl!
    You are beautiful! Just wait till you see what they got standin in line down to the DMV. I just stumbled you.

  4. Thank you,Eve. I know I’m in for a day of people watching tomorrow(which is one of my favorite things to do.)I know no matter how good or bad the picture turns out,I will walk out of there with stories to tell!!

  5. I am beginning to wonder exactly what has to show on the licence ….. tee hee.

    [excellent post – ooooo, sorry, don’t let me stop you waxing lyrical]

  6. It’s not so much what shows in the picture,DP.It’s about the confidence that comes from knowing that you’re groomed properly.It helps out tremendously with the smile for the picture.

  7. Can’t wait for tomorrow – because I’m sure you’ll be posting a pic of you in your exquistely groomed birthday suit!

    You’re right about looking good boosting confidence of course, but anal bleaching? I don’t care to look that good lol!!!

  8. That just shows me Bill that you’ve haven’t tried it yet. I don’t know if I would say it puts a spring in your step,but it does effect the way you walk!

  9. Yet again, hysterically funny. I have to say, I agree. I wonder if RI has the same thing about getting a new photo, because I have been using the same one for a few years now because it is an awesome photo and you now have me quite nervous. I’ll have to look into that. Thanks again for the laugh

  10. Hey DMLD,
    Nice to hear from you! You’ll have to let me know if your picture expires up there like it does here. If it does,trust me and take the time to try and take a good pic.Because if you don’t you’ll spend many sleepless night wishing you had your old picture back!!

  11. I will never look at another licenses the same again.

    I’ve seen a lot of ID pictures in my time, but now the burning question in the back of my head when checking a license is going to be “Did this person bleach their ass before getting this?”.

    Howling with laughter! Thanks for this post!


  12. The way you’ll be able to tell if they’ve bleached is by the flawless makeup and the smirk of I know something you don’t know, on their face.

  13. Always wear your “Piss off Copper” necklace for the pic. Just to mess with ’em…

  14. I am trying NOT to get a ticket ,VE. I’m afraid that wouldn’t go over very well.Why don’t you try it,and get back to me on how well it worked for ya (btw I’m not above writing to an inmate.)

  15. I walk just fine as I am thanks! lol. So? How did it turn out?

  16. Ugh…not too bad,but not that great either. I have figured it out though,it has to do with the lighting.They have this huge flash that goes off(that you will still see for two hours afterwards)that gives you a deer in the headlights look. I guess I have 4 years to learn how to make that look seductive. Keep your fingers crossed for me,Bill.

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