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September 25, 2008

Have you ever found yourself at a point in your life, where the road you’re traveling suddenly goes pitch black, and leaves you praying for a shade of dusk? I have been stranded in the darkness for the past week now.And as strange as it sounds, I have to admit at first, I found a weird sense of solace living in the void,there was something very familiar about it,that I found myself wanting to sink in and just disappear.This is why I haven’t been writing lately.Even starting this post today,I had so much apprehension of how this would come across.I was afraid that people would think I was looking for pity,but on the contrary, what I seek are answers. Answers in the form of maybe another person’s experiences that mirror my own, or answers that will come from within,by finally allowing myself to not carry these thoughts with me anymore.

A lot of shit has went down in my life lately, that started this descent.Being trapped in the BS ,I found myself self reflecting ,wondering what’s wrong with me.I took a long trip through my soul,and found a definite theme that has run through my life since infancy.You see,I was born with very little hair ,big blue eyes, and a air of insignificance.Over time my hair grew in,my eyes dimmed a little,but being insignificant remained the same.It’s not something that I openly share with people,but they instinctively must sense it and treat me accordingly.It doesn’t matter what I do.I can give until I have nothing left, care undyingly and love without finding fault.But still, I remain meaningless to all I touch. I can scream “CAN’T YOU SEE ME!?!”,and with distant stares in their eyes they all walk away unaffected,leaving me to ponder what I did wrong.

I can take responsibility when I’m wrong. I’ve always been good at accepting blame ,even if it’s not my own to take. I’ll shoulder it and twist it till it fits me like a glove.I guess because deep down I feel everything has to be my fault.I have to try and change my own perception on this, because I have started to treat myself the way I’ve been treated by others.And I’m getting a little too comfortable in the role of non self-existence,so much that it scares me. Scares me enough to scream out for answers on how to change this cycle.

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18 comments

  1. Is this a constant theme or does it come and go? I have felt like that, but only briefly. I’m always convinced it’s just a chemical ‘thang’ and my solution has always been to sleep. I’m very lucky I can sleep a lot if I need to.
    Generally, I’m quite ‘chipper’ though ……..sorry, not much help.

    Addendum – I can usually choose to fade into the background just by my demeanour which I tend to do in real life because I’m an observer by nature. I can also ‘show off’ as much as I do in Blogworld – tee hee – sorrrrry


  2. What have you always told me? Everything happens for a reason… Good or bad outcome everything happens so that you can grow. You definitly are not insignificant, you have raised 3 beautiful chileren and made a wonderful home for them (and me when i am hungry)! What else in life is more important than that? The only 3 (plus me equals 4) people in the world that matter to you will never think you are insignificant! SMILE damnit you have the BEST 3 kids anyone could ever ask for. Everything else will find its way.

    They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
    Andy Warhol (1928 – 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol
    I know you love him!


  3. I love ya,Becky! And thank you!!


  4. Sleep sounds like a good idea,DP. Thanks for the advice!!


  5. I encounter a few lost souls on the job from time to time. People who I really don’t know, so I don’t pretend know what to do for them beyond any basic government services they might need. I hope you don’t need government services.

    But I did learn a long time ago that simply talking to someone, leaving any preconceptions of who they are, and what they are about out of the conversation, goes a long way. Using a measured level of tact and kindness of course.

    I also believe over thinking something like this will only serve to make your hole deeper.

    Finally, I appreciate you throwing yourself out like this. It’s a learning experience for anyone who reads it.


  6. No Erebus,I don’t need government services. I do like the idea of the way you talk to people,unfortunately I don’t think a lot of people follow that protocol. As for not over thinking,my feeling is that if you don’t recognize something then you can never expect change.Know what I mean?


  7. I know what you mean. Allow me to rephrase – Think it through but don’t dive to deep, to quick.

    Shit…sorry…anyone can tell you that. The human mind is a bizarre, twisted, wonderful menagerie isn’t it.


  8. "Know thyself". Sounds like just another cliche, but you you hit it girl –
    "if you don't recognize something then you can never expect change".

    You feel you have a problem. Talking about it (here or there) is important step 1. Step 2 is doing something about it. Make a list of very small goals, tiny improvements you'd like to see in your life and then do something to achieve them. Even a little tiny success is a sucess. I sure hope you feel more up soon :>)


  9. Bill you’re a sweetheart.Thanks so much for the advice.


  10. I have a huge problem with thinking to deeply,Erebus.I don’t know any other way to be. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice.


  11. I feel you and I are taking the same cycle in the emotional department right now. I was doing so good about being happy, quite frankly I was at one of the happiest points of my life and here lately it’s just left me. And when I’m not blissfully distracted by happiness, I self-analyze myself to death. And holy crap, I’ve decided I have no idea what I was happy for in the first place.

    I’m not helping, am I? Okay, here’s my viewpoint. And I know it’s a hell of a lot harder to do than it is to say. But you make a conscience decision to be happy or to be sad. Unless of course you have a chemical imbalance leading to depression or bipolar disorder or something. But anyway, conscience decision. You may fail half the time at this conscience decision but if you keep trying to take the positive viewpoint on things and hold on to the things that bring you joy in your life, then things will get better. If that means finding something that makes you happy, then find it.

    From the sounds of some of the comments here, you have some great kids. Have fun with them. But find something for you too.

    I don’t know your situation so none of this may really apply to you either but I think maybe this rant was as much for me as hopefully it was for you.

    To happier days in our future …starting now!


  12. OH! And never think you are insignificant! People are oh so great at saying just the thing to bring us down or talking right over us. Half the time they don’t even realize they’ve done it.

    If these people who have made you feel insignificant are people you care about and not some random jerk in the street, talk to them.

    What empowers you? Makes you feel confident? Find that and no one will be able to stop you.

    Sorry I’m rambling so much. Hope it helps.


  13. Jules,

    I don’t think for me it’s a happy or sad thing,it’s more of coming to a realization about patterns that happen in your life and wanting to change them because you see that’s what affects you the most.
    To tell you the truth I’ve embraced sadness after reading this book called “Against Happiness” by Eric G.Wilson. The book talked about how as a society we are all hell bent on being happy twenty-four seven,and overlook that a lot of creativity comes from a sad place,not a happy one.The author went a little crazy with the adjectives in the book,so the book wasn’t amazing,but the concept of the book stuck with me.
    Thanks so much for the advice.


  14. Just saying Hi – hope you're seein a bit of sunshine :>)


  15. Thank you ,Bill. I don’t know if I would call it “sunshine” yet, but I am on my way to clearer days. It’s strange though,I’m almost glad that I lurked in the darkest for a little bit,because I feel I have learned stuff about myself through this experience, that I wouldn’t have known otherwise.I guess there’s a silver lining to everything.


  16. Yes, there almost always is. But is can be damned hard to find it sometimes :>)


  17. You are SO not alone in these feelings. I am living in the same place in my head these days.

    Just came across your blog, but I will be back.


  18. I don’t know whether to see comfort or sadness in your comment ,Kim. I hate to hear that people can identify with this,I hope it passes soon for you.Thanks for visiting and I hope you come again!



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