Beware Of The Wal-Martians!!!!!

July 26, 2008

This might sound a little un American, but I don’t enjoy trips to my local Wal-Mart. Now I won’t go as far as to say that I don’t like Wal-Marts in general, because I have never been in a Wal-Mart above The Mason Dixon line.What I can say though from my experiences with Wal-Marts in the south, is that you better be on the look out for more than just the falling prices. You need to be on look out for the Wal-Martians that inhabit the store.

I don’t know if this is a phenomenon that just happens to people who frequent Wal-Mart to often, or if its the glow from the Wal-Mart sign outside attracts them,but the people you find roaming the aisles inside are not human. They are definitely classified as “Wal-Martians” and they shouldn’t be taken lightly. They can become quite aggressive and do not follow the same code of human behavior as we do. So please use caution if you find yourself among them.

At first glance, they might seem to look like you or I would after changing the rear axle of a 78 Ford F250 or just crawling out of bed in the morning ,but upon closer examination you will be able to see that clearly, this isn’t what happened to them. No, I believe they’re bred that way and oh boy do they breed. You will find most travel in a pack. Normally with an alpha male,that most of the time is quite a bit smaller and has less facial hair than his female counter part. They are usually followed by four to six unruly cubs, that you can tell have been taught the Wal-Martian ways at a very young age.

The custom dress for the Wal-Martians has very little variations. Most of the time,the alpha male can be spotted easily inside the store wearing camouflage from head to toe. The female on the other hand normally opts for a heavily stained, size 4x, Carebears T-shirt that she probably got off the clearance rack there years ago for $2.97. Their children though are the easiest to identify ,with their lack of matching clothing, and generally have faces that look like they haven’t seen water since they came out of the womb.

You might think that these are things you can overlook,especially for the low prices that Wal-Mart has to offer. Maybe you think, I’m just being judgmental about dirty people,but I’m not.Believe me ,these aren’t just dirty people.There is much more to them than just the way they look, dress, and smell. How you can tell the difference between a Wal-Martian and just a dirty person is by their actions. Let me explain.

Within a half an hour trip to Wal-Mart last night with my family. We were exposed to many of their Wal-Martian habits. The first thing you should know about them is that they are known to circle people that they don’t see as one of their own kind. The best way to avoid this is to not make eye contact or expose your teeth(they will know instantly that you are an outsider if you have a full set)It would probably also be helpful if someone in your party would develop a slight limp during your visit to the store. I wish I would have remembered to do these things on last night trip .Unfortunately, I had a little slip up that almost cost my family our lives. I was standing in the aisle with one of their alpha males and made the mistake of wearing deodorant.As soon as he smelled it he began to come closer to me and was making a noise like MMMmmmmm. I didn’t know whether this was a part of a mating ritual or he just wanted to cook me for dinner. Either way it scared the hell out of me! I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully at that moment my husband came around the corner , and saw my situation . He acted quickly and grab a Dale Earnhardt hat off the shelf and threw it down the aisle. This distracted the Wal-Martian enough that I could get away. I could hear him yelling as I was running, “You can’t let the number 3 touch the ground or we’ll have to burn it!” That was enough for me .I just wanted to get out of there. So I begged my husband to just take me to Target.
He agreed and we started making our way toward the exit. We got right up to the cash registers and my daughter asked if she could buy a drink out of one of the coolers.I said OK.I was thirsty too. Besides, I didn’t see much harm in this ,considering we were right by the doors and could escape easily, if anything was to go wrong.So, I followed her up to the cooler to pick out her drink. We had to wait , because there was a Wal-Martian woman already there picking out her own drink. I was able to watch her closely, because she had her back to me, and I came to realize that their watering habits aren’t the same as humans either.Their way is actually quite different and I got to witness this habit/health code violation with my own two eyes last night. What they chose to do is pick a drink out ,taste it ,and put it back in the cooler for someone else to buy. The Wal-Martian in front of me last night did it four times before she finally bought one. I was so astonished by what I had just seen,that I wasn’t thirsty anymore and neither was my daughter.So,we made a mad dash for the doors and escaped.

Although,I am sure there is much more we could learn about the Wal-Martian species, but I realized after last nights visit that I can’t be the one to do the research,even if it is for the betterment of mankind. Someone else will have to do the job, because I came to the conclusion, that I would rather pay full price for anything than risk my life for discount prices ever again. It’s just too dangerous!



  1. Never been there ……. I have a nasty suspicion that I might fit in though ……………

  2. Oh don’t even say that DP!!!

  3. Walmartians exists up north also, however they arrive in mini-vans with no hubcaps.

    If you go before midnight the parking lot is full of these contraptions!

    However, I love Wal-mart at 2 am, the aisles are pretty much vacant and the staff is putting out goods that don’t have fingerprints on them.

    Target is a nice store, but its retail all the way and everyday. How they survive is mind-boggling!

  4. You mean you did not realize that Wal-mart is trhe main redneck socializtion point? They are drawn to it like moths to a flame – even when they aren’t shopping or drink tatsting :))

  5. Threio…so they DO exist up north!!! Oh NO they might be taking over! I believe the way Target survives is because of people’s fear of Wal-Martians,so they go to Target.


    I don’t think Wal-Martians are just rednecks. I grew up around rednecks and they don’t scare me like the Wal-Martians do.

  6. So…I should stop wearing my Carebears shirt? Even if it’s Cheer Bear?

  7. I’m afraid so,Mrs.Mouthy.

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