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The Toothless Fairy

June 12, 2008

I would really LOVE to know who came up with the childhood mythical creature we all so endearingly refer to as “The Tooth Fairy”.This person, whom ever he or she might be, deserves to be smacked. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the idea of childhood myths in general. In fact I love Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny, both as a child who believed and now as an adult who plays both of the roles to perfection. The Tooth Fairy is a totally different story though.

Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny are wonderful childhood beliefs. They’re great for the kids and easy on the parents. They only come once a year, so you can have as long as you want to plan and prepare for the covert operation. Plus by chance you get caught you can make up a good excuse that Santa or The Easter Bunny (depending on the holiday) are very busy and needed Mommy and Daddy’s help, etc. If that doesn’t work threatening that “Repo Santa” or “Repo Bunny” will come and take everything back, works like a charm.

I will admit I’ve never really liked The Tooth Fairy. Because as a child; I got totally screwed on the whole deal, from the first tooth to the last. My two front teeth were the first teeth I lost; in fifth grade due to my older sister punching them out of my mouth .I recall her chasing me with superglue wanting to re glue my teeth back in my mouth. The thought of finally getting money for them is the only reason I didn’t let her catch me, well that and the fact I couldn’t wait for her to be the one in trouble for once. Other than that, I don’t even remember the first Tooth fairy visit, the money I got or anything. Probably because of the head trauma that resulted in losing the teeth, but whatever. Then, I didn’t lose my last tooth until I was nineteen years old, not living at home anymore and my mother refused to come over after I went to sleep and reward me for my loss. Needless to say I don’t have very fond childhood memories of The Tooth Fairy. BUT, I didn’t let my memories of lack of, hinder my children’s experiences. No I was going to be the PERFECT Tooth fairy and have been close to perfection until lately when my second child has decided she’s on a mission to ruin the dream and in turn has helped increase my distaste for the winged tooth stealer.

Sydney is my middle child. She is twelve and is my mother’s wish come true when she use to say” I can’t wait till you have children; I hope they do to you what you do to me”. Well, Sydney is me reincarnated. She is opinionated, stubborn, strong willed, and wonderful wrapped in a tiny package. I love the fire and the passion in her, but she does give me a run for my money whenever she sees an opportunity. Losing her teeth was a prime opportunity in her eyes. She has about seven teeth left to go and I believe she knows that the whole “Tooth fairy” thing is a myth. She just refuses to come out and say it. Instead she has decided it would be tons more fun to mess with me, in hopes I’ll cave and admit I’ve lied, so she can run and go ruin the fantasy for her younger brother justifiably. I can’t let her win, but the tooth she lost last week; almost made me throw in the towel and admit defeat.

It was Tuesday night my husband was out of town, which left me to do this maneuver by myself. This is the easiest way I have found to pull off the whole Tooth Fairy thing.

1. Help the child brush the tooth up a little, because The Tooth Fairy only takes clean teeth. This part is in hopes that they drop the tooth down the sink drain. If that doesn’t happen, go to step two.

2. Go into the bedroom and help them put the tooth under the pillow. Let them crawl into bed. Then when their tucked in tight, give them a big kiss and hug. Here’s the key….when you go to hug your child, hug your child and the pillow. When removing your arms, brush the tooth out from underneath the pillow and let it fall under the bed.

3. When the child is finally asleep, army crawl into the room, reach under the bed and retrieve the tooth. Come back up on your knees, facing the pillow, then slowly with a smooth slight of hand that would make David Copperfield proud, slide a dollar under the pillow and BAM! Your tooth fairy duties are done.

These steps are to be used under normal circumstances. None of the above steps could have helped me out last week. I tried out step one, to which she said “Oh I did that when you were doing the dishes earlier”. I thought fine no big deal, on to step two. With a big kiss and a huge pillow and kid hug I felt nothing underneath the pillow. So I asked “Did you put your tooth out for The Tooth Fairy”, to which she answered “Yeah but I decided to hide it at the foot of my bed instead.” Shit, what to do, I can’t just go hugging her feet and she knew this. She lay there, smiling at me, waiting for me to break. I didn’t, nope I just left the room and army crawled in about three hours later. I spent a good twenty minutes searching the foot of her bed. NO TOOTH! At this point frustration took over and I decided to forget about it for the night. This would teach her, if you don’t do it right, The Tooth Fairy won’t come. HA!

The next morning she woke up and came out to tell me how The Tooth Fairy didn’t come, but she didn’t seem at all upset by this. When I asked her about it, she confessed that she decided that it would be fun to see how “good” The Tooth Fairy would be at actually finding a tooth. That she was going to hide it in a different place every night to see how long it would take for her to detect where the tooth was. This game went on for two nights. She would tell me where she put the tooth, and then move the tooth after I left. So, every night in my search I would come up empty. Until finally on the third night , I peeked back in after she thought I was gone and watched her move the tooth to its finally resting place in her dresser. I let her go to sleep and tiptoed into the room a couple hours later, opened the drawer which not only held her tooth but also her wallet. I took three dollars out of her wallet and put them under her pillow and left feeling triumphant. GAME OVER!

When she awoke the next morning and came out of her room carrying the three dollars in her hand. She looked a little confused. She said “Mom has the tooth fairy ever been known to take more than just your teeth?” I looked back at her and said “Why would you think that, Sydney?” She said “Well she finally found my tooth last night and she must have found my wallet too, and I think she stole the money out of my wallet and used it to pay for my tooth.” I just smiled at her and said” Maybe next time you shouldn’t mess with The Tooth Fairy and just put your tooth under your pillow”. She turned around looking a bit defeated and mumbled back “Yeah I guess you’re right”.

So OK maybe I was wrong, and I realize that I’m not going to win “The Mother of the Year” award, and after making my kid use her own money to pay herself for The Tooth Fairy coming, I know I’m not even going to be up for an honorable mention either. I guess I’ll try harder on her last seven teeth to be a better tooth fairy and just take the money I was going to put under her pillow this time and save it to pay for her therapy bills when she’s older.

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7 comments

  1. LOL talk about a battle of wills! By the way I love your style of writing, keep it up. And thanks for stopping by my blog the other day, hope you continue doing that. ^^


  2. Oh man, this is a very funny story. I will agree that I see the whole “tooth fairy” as being a major annoyance when I finally have kids. Good luck with the next tooth


  3. Once again… so clever and soooo mean! 😛


  4. You’re evil. But I mean that in a good way.


  5. Hilarious!


  6. Very funny story.
    I got busted one night playing the tooth to my oldest. Lol.


  7. hey there. I couldn’t find an email, so please email me from my site the cute photo! I’ll, at the very least, send you something – J



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