Through Saving Face

April 23, 2008

I feel a huge need to vent, but no desire to talk to anyone. I’ve decided to write it all out and try to find clarity. Although, I’m not sure that one writing session will be enough to turn the confusion I feel into anything, that remotely resembles insight. I’m going to try though, so bear with me.

I have been on a journey lately, of trying to define myself. I just woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and didn’t recognize the person I saw staring back at me. Maybe, it wasn’t so much I didn’t recognize myself as much as I didn’t really KNOW who I saw anymore. I think I just got caught up in this world .Trying to be fifty different things to fifty different people and got lost in the undertow of it all. That’s when ,I finally came up for air that morning, the person I saw was ,nothing but a shadow of who I use to be, nor did she resemble who I want to be. This realization was enough for me to desire change.

Change in every aspect of my life, I mean deep change, not just minor changes but a overhaul of my entire being. I think for the first thirty-five years of my life, I have allowed others to define who I was. From being very young it was very apparent to me, by the way I was spoken to and treated, that people viewed me as bad. My older sister was the perfect child that walked on water in everyone’s eyes. I, on the other hand, only caused them to roll their eyes. This ,led into adulthood an ever growing need to be liked and accepted by people, even if I paid with my soul. It didn’t matter though, how loving, kind and wonderful I was to people; I was innately treated as being insignificant. To the point I think I started viewing myself that way too. I feel that’s why it has taken me so long to get my anxiety under control. It’s almost like I allowed my body to wreak havoc internally because ,then the way I felt physically would mirror how I felt emotionally and mentally. Fucked up ,but true.

It might sound funny, but I am in some ways thankful for experiencing panic disorder. There’s nothing like an internal fire alarm thats gone haywire, to make you aware that change is needed and can no longer be overlooked. I don’t think a less life-threatening ordeal (at least that’s the way panic makes you feel, like you’re going to die) would have forced me to want to change. Maybe that’s just the way it is, with people in general. Change comes when you are just too uncomfortable to live in your uncomfortable skin anymore, no matter how familiar it feels.

The strange thing about trying to change yourself, is that it makes the people around you feel uncomfortable. I guess everyone gets use to the way you are and when you are trying to change, I think people find it easier to combat it than support it. I have had people even look at this blog and say “WOW! That doesn’t sound like you.” Very concerned with what happened to me and the person they thought they knew. I try to explain myself, but am learning to stop explaining myself, and start finding myself, and what I think and feel as important, not wrong. Some days it’s difficult because going back is easier, because it’s what I know, but it’s also what I know doesn’t make me happy.

Change is a struggle, but there’s a beautiful hope wrapped up in that struggle, that makes it all worthwhile. That there will be a day I’ll wake up, look in that mirror, and see a person, that has inner peace and acceptance of themselves ,that isn’t just a reflection of everyone else’s opinions anymore, but a true person, will emerge and I’ll be able to recognize instantly that person’s genuinely me!


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