You Can Thank Waltsense for This Little Gem

Even though my writer’s block is still in full swing, I CAN still answer stupid questions. Thanks, Waltsense for “thinkin” of me when passing on this survey,and  just KNOW I’m thinkinfyou for this one!

1.       If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

I wish my pets could replace certain members of my family. Just look at that face and tell me you wouldn’t want him as your brother!!

2.      If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

I wouldn’t want one of my dreams coming true. I am the weirdest dreamer ever!

3.      What is the one thing most hated by you?

Bad spellers….I thik they suk!

4.      What would you do with a billion dollars?

Buy a lot of fucking shoes!

5.      What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Music that makes me dance. You can’t be in a bad mood while dancing, it’s merely impossible!

6.      Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

Loving someone because it nice to know that you can do it.  It still surprises me how many people can’t.

7.      What is your bedtime routine?

I love taking a bath before bed,but if I don’t have the time I MUST wash my feet. I can’t sleep with dirty feet. OH,and I’m addicted to Breathe Right Strips.With that big band aid looking thing, I’m one hell of a sexy sight!

8.     If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

I will be married for 20yrs. this March! He stole my heart/knocked me up in high school.

9.      If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

Adam Duritz of  The Counting Crows, the man is a fucking genius!

10.  What kinds of books do you read?

I adore anything written by Augusten Burroughs or Chuck Palahniuk, so you could say I love gay twisted writers,they are the best!

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?

Hopefully still alive and kickin!

12.  What’s your fear?

I live with panic disorder, so fear can strike any time and about anything.

13.  Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

Hell no! Who would give up a life time of  yummy goodness for one experience?

14.  Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

Married but poor. I think if you are rich ,you can never be sure if that is the reason people like you or not.

15.   What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Open my eyes.

16.  If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

That he wouldn’t snore. I got addicted to Breathe Right Strips trying to get him to use them….it didn’t work!

17.   If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I would want people to call me with a series of clicks, like the bushmen in Africa do! See he could be talking about me right now!

18.  Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

After a good wounding ,YES!

19.   If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Without a doubt, CHOCOLATE!!

Now that all the question answering is over, I want you to know that I’ve shown mercy on all my blogger friends by not tagging you to answer them too!

I Got Nothing To Lube!

Well, I am now a firm believer in the old saying  “If  you don’t use it, you lose it.” For years, I thought that this little gem of advice was only a friendly warning penned by a man cautioning  that if you didn’t use your vag, it would magically close up. What ? You didn’t get the same meaning? Well maybe I’m just a slow learner,but  now I’m certain that it goes beyond crotch lines and can mean your other talents too. Take for instance this blog, I have neglected the fuck out of it for the last year. Only writing a whopping fourteen posts, which really should have been a sign of what was to come because I came here today with all intentions of writing a awesome Thinkinfyou post,and what happens….FUCKING NOTHING!

Not even a damn complete sentence which left me pondering, when in the hell did I become a writing retard? OK, maybe I’ve always had a little retard in me,but the writing part that is something completely new. I used to be able to write, it was what fueled me,my passion.  I spent some time today looking through the Thinkinfyou archives, three years of archives mind you,and you could see the passion in it. I had something to say, whether it was about my hopes,dreams,or asshole…I wrote about it. Today, I still have all three of those things yet nothing comes out on virtual paper which basically shows that I didn’t use it ,so I lost it,and now  I have no idea how to get it back other than to wait and hope that it naturally comes back,or someone  to come up with a lube that gets my creative juices flowing  once again.

I Must Have One Amazing Uterus!

OK, so  anyone who reads my blog knows I’m not a ” Mommy Blogger”,but today I’ve decided to share with you the results of my amazing uterus.

I give you, my youngest daughter Sydney, who won first place in a  county wide performing competition this weekend! 😮

I’m not dead!

Believe it or not, I did write a new post. It’s not here though, it’s there! Go look and see!!

Learning Lessons The HARD Way

I don’t know if many of you realize this but as a mother I am pretty cool at handling any situation thrown my way. And trust me  my children try their damnedest to knock me off my game,but I always win NO CONTEST, that is  until yesterday. You see yesterday under no fault of my children or my own, I was put in a situation that left me befuddled and my children laughing.

It was about two o’clock,and my family and I were heading home from being out all morning. I was tired and ready to just get home,so of course I was off a little,and that is exactly when I got taken down. We were sitting at the stop light two lights  before the  light we needed to turn into our neighborhood,when as luck would have it, a tiny Chevy Cavalier pull up beside my SUV. The kids and I were staring out the window aimlessly,when my eye caught movement in the car below my window. The movement was very rhythmic and non stop so I had no other choice than look. It took a couple seconds to focus on the movement and a couple more to realize that the guy driving the car did NOT have an unruly Siamese twin sprouting out of his crotch. NO, this guy was laid back enjoying the pleasure of his lady friend giving him some mouth lovin.
Horrified and not sure I could believe my eyes, I jolted up in the seat and immediately tried to talk to my husband with my eyes saying, “Don’t let the kids catch on to what you’re doing, but look over at this car next to me. Am I seeing right? Is that girl stuck under the steering wheel against her will ,or is she doing what I think she’s doing!?! ” Unfortunately,before my husband could understand what my eyes said,my 14 yr. old daughter noticed the strange movement in the car next to us. Before I could run interference ,everyone in the car was piled over to my side and fighting to look out the window. Then, there was about a minute of questions that seem to be coming at me so fast there was no way I could come up with creative answers quick enough.

Now with my children being 14 and 12 respectively, I have taken the time to talk to them and answered their questions about sex. Talking about sex with them doesn’t freak me out. In fact , I feel it’s my job to educate them about sex,and have handled that part of parenting like a champ. Yesterday though, I fumbled that ball,and my children took that opportunity to mess with me unmercifully. Laughing and asking questions like “Mom does that woman have a face? ” “What is she doing?” “Isn’t she going to choke?”   “Do you think his penis is flavored?” “Do you think she is trying to set a World Record?”  “Are there even World Records for that stuff?”  and many more. All the while I was trying to change the subject, yelling at them about unbuckling their seat belts,and screaming about the dangers of not wearing their seat belts. That didn’t work,they were watching their mother crumble under the pressure,and loving it.

I decided to lie creatively by saying  ” Well kids maybe his penis stopped breathing and she is trying to give it mouth to penis resuscitation. Now sit your asses back down,and buckle up!” but that just made the laughter worse. So I decide to start answering their questions of plenty as quick as I could yelling out,  “Probably an ugly one because only ugly girls do that stuff.”  “She is being a whore.” “I hope she does.”  “Like a lollipop the flavor doesn’t last that long.”  “In my eyes she already has.”  Praying for the light to change  the whole time and when it did, I sped up my car until I was able to pass the mouth fuckers that caused my mothering fail,got in front of them and slammed on my brakes until I could see fear in all the sets of eyes  behind me , in my car and in theirs. I believe a lesson was learned by all!

Is That a Crucifix in Your Pocket,or Are You Just Happy to See Me

Have I ever told you that the Lord is my Shepard? Did I sound convincing? I hope so,because this weekend I will have to be on my best Jesus style behavior when my fourteen year old daughter’s new friend comes over to spend the night. You see, the only stipulation her parents had before giving their permission for her  to sleep over at my lovely abode was to have their daughter ask mine whether we were Christians or not… which really puts a damper on my reenactment of Regan from The Exorcist  “loving”  the cross that I had scheduled to perform this Saturday.
But you know me well enough to know that if it’s for the happiness for one of my children, I’ll put away my artistic vision and act like I’m holier than thou just so my kid can make a new friend and a memory. It doesn’t stop me from wondering though,what the hell does someone’s religious background have to do with the kind of household they run? I don’t know,maybe it’s just me but some of the most fucked up people I know hide behind the word “Christian” and use it to get out of every commandment they break.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in a higher power and consider myself to be a very spiritual person,but ever since I was about fifteen and found out that the priest that gave me my first holy communion and listened to my confessions was doing A LOT more to all the alter boys at our church,my taste for organized religion grew sour. I just don’t feel that you need to label yourself a “Christian” or plop yourself in a pew once a week to be known as a good person,and if that is the only way you choose to judge whether a person is good or bad, I fear for you.
You see for me the judging on whether my child can sleep over at your house goes so much further than just your religious affiliation. I personally think it’s wise to take the time to ask for the parents full names,and research to see if they have an arrest record(don’t forget to print out your findings) then spend the better part of the week before staking out their house to see if they have any strange comings and goings,root through their trash while they’re out on one of their “goings” because that will show you more than you’ll want to know(keep those findings too), and then finally fingerprint the whole family when you drop your kid off for their big sleep over.Oh, and don’t forget to bring all your finding with you ,just to show them that you do your homework! This all will work like a charm because they’ll be so freaked out that the won’t think of messing with your kid,so you can sleep more soundly that night,OR you’ll be asked to leave and your kid will never be asked over  again…either way it’s a win win.
Honestly though, I can’t wait to meet this girl’s parents this weekend .I’ve spent a lot of time getting my house ready ,replacing my priceless copy of “Dogs Playing Poker” with a really cool ” The Last Supper” print,and even have talked with the neighbor kid about coming over before they come,and hiding in my closet duct taped. Once they arrive inside, he is to jump out screaming and running for the door.I think it’ll be good wholesome fun for the whole family…I wonder if I should have asked my kid to ask theirs if they have a sense of humor.

Go Ahead and GET DIRTY….I’ll help clean you up!

Do you remember way back when ,when I wrote the post about channeling my inner Tyler Durden,and becoming a master at creating all things that will clean you up? You know, the one that said that if I didn’t get my bath & beauty company up and running that I would have no choice but to open my very own fight club.Well even though I still dream of one day running an underground festival of fights,that dream has to be put off for a while because I am pretty much kicking ass and taking names, selling the shit out of my own organic bath & beauty products! It’s pretty freakin amazing to think that  just a couple of  years ago I was just a retard that really didn’t know what to do with my two opposable thumbs,and now I’m busy making all things that will clean up your dirty bits…as you can tell I’m quite impressed with myself and my skills.So if get a chance or don’t believe me, pop on over to my web store and check out  ELIXIRIFIC Organic Bath & Beauty! And if you want to feel some of  my awesomeness, buy  my products because I believe the only thing that should remain dirty is your mind!

A Face Only a Lover Will Love

Let me begin with a disclaimer on this post. I ,Thinkinfyou isn’t and has never been one of those girly girls that is totally disgusted by porn. In fact there was a time, that I could sit through a minute or two of a XXX movie without complaining about the total lack of plot ,or screaming with amazement at the abilities of a really good squirter….I still think that shit has to be staged,nobody has that much talent.

Today though ,I just can’t bring myself to watch porn,no matter if it has a super soaker in it or not.  Now I know what you’re thinking ” Well maybe you’ve just finally matured Thinkinfyou and now realize that porn isn’t good for anyone!” and if you think that,well you are wrong. My dislike for porn doesn’t have anything to do with maturing . I’ve come to the conclusion that this is about as mature as I’m going to get and I’m OK with that. What I’m not OK with and has fuel my desire to swear off porn forever is the horrible faces people make in them right before the money shot. They totally killed my XXX viewing pleasure.OK,so maybe that picture is a little exaggerated,but honestly have you ever really studied the face of a porn star,or anyone who’s having sex for that matter? If you haven’t trust me,it’s not pretty. Don’t believe me? Fine, I have some examples to prove my theory against porn. Let’s take the latest sex tape everyone is talking about, The Chelsea Chelsea Banged a Wang tape. Now , I normally love Chelsea Handler . I think she’s quite funny,but one look at her fuck face and well…there’s just nothing funny about it.It’s just sad, really sad.Sad because I look at her face and after I grab and cover my burning eyes for a couple minutes screaming “MY EYES ,MY EYES” I started to think of all the potential lovers that will never want anything sexual to do with her again because they have seen and are scarred by her fuck face too. Now, I think she knows that ,so has since come out and  said that the whole sex tape thing was a joke,but you can tell by that picture that is an authentic fuck face,you can’t fake that shit. And if she was really going for a funny sex tape I think she would have had enough sense to have  have sex with Chuy. The oddity of it would have drawn people’s eyes away from her fuck face,plus I think she’d have made a lot more money from the tape too because let’s face it people love midgets!

But Chelsea isn’t the only person with an horrendous FF.I believe we are all cursed with ugly fuck faces in the heat of the moment.Never looked at yourself doing the deed  and don’t believe you could look that bad? Go have sex in front of a mirror,and don’t try to fake it to make yourself feel better,that doesn’t count. Don’t feel like having sex,but still want to see if you have an ugly fuck face? Well, you could always go and stuff your mouth full of anything that is near,it will give you the same effect. Because I truly think that all the orifices in our bodies must be wired to mimic one another when filled. Seriously…Take a look at the guy above.What do you see? I bet you think that he is having one major nic fit,OR is he really getting a huge hit to the sphincter!?!I guess we will never know because the face is the same either way.

How about this innocent woman,is she just enjoying all that mixed parts goodness,OR is someone underneath tickling her naughty bits?You see what I’m talking about now, you know you do! I guess this is why your mother told you not to talk with your mouth full. Not because it’s a nasty disgusting habit where  people can see your food,but because they can also see your fuck face,and that’s just not right.I personally believe fuck faces should be kept private, and only to be shared between two people who love one another. Not to be broadcast for all the world to see because honestly, a fuck face is a face only a lover could love.

Putting A Dick in Addiction

Lately I have been doing something I never do…watching the news. Now, normally none of  my attention is given to any suit wearing shit spewer on the airways,but walking by the television the other day I heard one of them talking about SEX,and I can’t deny that my ears perked up a little and were filled with the biggest line of  bullshit I ever heard.

Come to find out poor Tiger Woods and Jesse James,you  know the two “stars” of late that have been caught dipping their dicks into any open hole, are not the self absorbed adulterers that you would think. NO! According to the national news, they are actually just two sad souls suffering from  “Sex Addiction”! Sniff, sniff.. Do you smell that? Smells like bullshit to me!
Let’s look at the definition for the word “Addiction.”
ad·dic·tion
/əˈdɪkʃən/ Show Spelled[uh-dik-shuhn]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

“That its cessation causes severe trauma”,it doesn’t say who has to suffer trauma, but I’d bet my teeth the trauma isn’t suffered by the “addict”.I think it’s just shameful our society has decided to give out an excuse for bad behavior instead of  letting consequences for them to play out.
The idea that perplexes me most with this “addiction” is, how do you go about recovering from it? With drug addiction, you have to sustain from doing drugs ever again, even if you go in for a major surgery you cannot have any hard narcotics afterward, no matter the pain you’re experiencing.

So do they tell sex addicts that they can never have sex again?Like that will happen! Give me a break! Even though I have never been blessed/cursed with dangleage hanging from my body, I know that,if you have a penis, you will beat it like it owes you money whenever you can,and spend the rest of your time seeking willing holes!

It’s a fact! There is no way that you can expect any living breathing thing to not act on their sexual desires for the rest of their lives,and I’m sure there are two hundred deaf boys that would agree with me! 
Personally, I think they both just suffer from being A DICK,not  an addiction!

Getting To Know You, Pretend Edition

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted a “Getting to Know You” segment for my dear readers,and it’s not because I’ve lost interest in learning all the lovely details that make you, YOU. But if truth be told it’s because I’ve been busy not letting people get to know me on other internet sources.
Confused? Here let me explain. OK, so you know how  I LOVE the internet , right? And not just for the plethora of weird porn that you can find with just the click of a button, although that is a perk. No, the biggest reason why I love the internet is because it allows you to be all you can be without having to join the Army.

And it takes no time at all because if you can type it you can be it. Now, I know what you are thinking, Thinkinfyou  seems like she has it all together,well except for that weird porn thing. Why would she want to be something she is not!?! Well ,the only way  I can answer that for you, is by telling you all about a life long wish of mine… you see I like most people, have  always wanted to be deaf.Yep, you heard me right, I really wish sometimes I couldn’t hear. Seriously, I don’t see being deaf as a handicap, but more like a super power. Don’t want to listen to your children fighting? BAM! Turn on the deafness! Some fucker annoying the hell out of you with a story they’ve told you numerous times before? WHAM! Turn into Deaf Girl! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
I’ve been known to turn into Deaf Girl myself a time or two. My favorite time to put on my deaf girl cape is when strange guys think it’s cool to catcall me,yelling and whistling at me ,while we are stopped at a stop light.I hate that shit,but instead of getting angry or flipping them off, I just turn on my super deaf powers and talk back to them in my best deaf girl voice saying I can’t hear you while pointing to my ears,fake signing at them. Ahhh! The looks on their faces when they realize they’ve been fucking with the handicap is always priceless!
Playing deaf has always been a fun pastime for me,and I brought my love for it to my internet interactions just recently with excellent results. I no longer have people wanting to get to know me better.Once I tell them I’ve been a mute since birth,they tend to not have anything to say back,but it’s not like I would have HEARD them if they did!
Now that I’ve let you in on my internet pretend play time, I ask you, do you ever try to be something you’re not online?