Getting To Know You, Pretend Edition

It’s been way too long since I’ve posted a “Getting to Know You” segment for my dear readers,and it’s not because I’ve lost interest in learning all the lovely details that make you, YOU. But if truth be told it’s because I’ve been busy not letting people get to know me on other internet sources.
Confused? Here let me explain. OK, so you know how  I LOVE the internet , right? And not just for the plethora of weird porn that you can find with just the click of a button, although that is a perk. No, the biggest reason why I love the internet is because it allows you to be all you can be without having to join the Army.

And it takes no time at all because if you can type it you can be it. Now, I know what you are thinking, Thinkinfyou  seems like she has it all together,well except for that weird porn thing. Why would she want to be something she is not!?! Well ,the only way  I can answer that for you, is by telling you all about a life long wish of mine… you see I like most people, have  always wanted to be deaf.Yep, you heard me right, I really wish sometimes I couldn’t hear. Seriously, I don’t see being deaf as a handicap, but more like a super power. Don’t want to listen to your children fighting? BAM! Turn on the deafness! Some fucker annoying the hell out of you with a story they’ve told you numerous times before? WHAM! Turn into Deaf Girl! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
I’ve been known to turn into Deaf Girl myself a time or two. My favorite time to put on my deaf girl cape is when strange guys think it’s cool to catcall me,yelling and whistling at me ,while we are stopped at a stop light.I hate that shit,but instead of getting angry or flipping them off, I just turn on my super deaf powers and talk back to them in my best deaf girl voice saying I can’t hear you while pointing to my ears,fake signing at them. Ahhh! The looks on their faces when they realize they’ve been fucking with the handicap is always priceless!
Playing deaf has always been a fun pastime for me,and I brought my love for it to my internet interactions just recently with excellent results. I no longer have people wanting to get to know me better.Once I tell them I’ve been a mute since birth,they tend to not have anything to say back,but it’s not like I would have HEARD them if they did!
Now that I’ve let you in on my internet pretend play time, I ask you, do you ever try to be something you’re not online?

The Path to Peace is Paved With Needles!

So as you all know last week I went to the doctor’s office  and got a clean bill of health,but what I didn’t tell you in my last post was that I told my doctor at that appointment that I felt I was ready to get off the anti depressant she put me on for my panic disorder a year ago. I just honestly HATE the side effects these types of  drugs give me,they are sometimes worse than the panic disorder itself. I’ve experienced everything from night sweats, weight gain,weight loss, total loss of my short term memory,fatigue,bruxism, and the scariest of them all, suicidal thoughts on one anti depressant that came close to action when taking it about five years ago.

Dealing with panic disorder isn’t fun but I’ve dealt with it long enough to know when it’s time to take a different approach in treating it. When I told the doctor about my desire,she proceeded say to me, ” Well OK, but you’ve got to promise me if you kill yourself, you’ll call me before you do.”  Fuckin C U Next Tuesday! I couldn’t believe she would say this to me,and that the precise moment I KNEW I was doing the right thing getting off the anti depressant and trying a different path to peace.

Today I took my first steps down that new road when I went and had my first acupuncture treatment done. I will admit I was quite apprehensive at first thinking, who in their right mind goes in willingly to have someone treat you like a human pincushion!?!
But my fears melted soon after the first needle went into my skin. Surprisingly enough, it didn’t hurt at all,in fact it felt quite relaxing. Before long I had twelve needles embedded in my skin,and I was encompassed with a sense of calm and serenity that I haven’t felt for years.I loved it so much that I have another appointment scheduled for next week!
The office that I went to offers all different types of holistic treatments  and I’m open and excited to try some of them, except the one that they suggested I try next…..colon hydrotherapy! YIKES!!

You see ,I’m not sure I’m ready to introduce my asshole to complete strangers carrying penetration tubes….it’s not a very friendly nor social orifice,and I sort of like that about it! But if the day does come that me and my asshole decide to take the plunge, I promise to post all about it. Just be on the look out for the post titled ” And They All Said I Was Full Of Shit!”

Bored Out of My Mind!

OK,call me a dumbass, I deserve it! I went back to the doctors today,you know the one that nasally molested me,and was so amazed with my new breasts, I swear she almost licked my nipple. Well, I went in to see her today,just for a normal check up ,and after waiting TWO HOURS in her waiting room, I got sent back into a exam room to wait for two more fucking hours!?! Needless to say,over that time period I got extremely bored. So I decided to take my medical needs into my own hands and give myself an exam.
From what I could see, my tongue looked healthy and pink. So then I tried to test my balance by standing on the doctors stool on one leg….I think Mr. Miyagi would have been proud of my skills.
At least until I hit the wall,and broke the stool!
After that I felt a little dizzy but still bored ,so I decided to make some balloons. I figured maybe if there were other balloons in the room,the doctor would not be so obsessed with the ones on my chest.
But I think I went a little too far with the balloon making too.
Overall,the visit was a successful one because besides a terminal case of doctor’s office boredom, I got a clean bill of health!

Caught in a Bad Romance!

I’ve been channeling my inner rock star lately,and I’ve decided that if I could be anyone, I would want to be Lady Gaga. Hands Down!!

I am obsessed with her song “Bad Romance.” Every time I turn it on, I find myself dancing, mimicking the whole video. You should see me… my moves are pretty impressive!
I don’t care if my children don’t agree and  have thought a time or two that their mother was  having a seizure or something.They say I scare them,and I need to stop. But I  tell them just wait till mommy get her hands on a fire bra,then you’ll have a reason to be scared.
Until then, get used to it! Cause I’m a freak bitch baby!

Is There Life After The Internet?

I’m not even going to try to calculate up how long it’s been since my last post. No, I’m not! Because all that will do is piss me off again about the reason for my absence.
I don’t know about you but I absolutely HATE my internet provider! Comcast sucks a big ass! I have had little to no service for almost a month now. They have sent over three different technicians to help rectify my problem. The first one came into my home speaking little to no English,which I’m going to assume is why he didn’t tell me that while he was up in my attic , he stepped wrong and now my ceiling has a huge crack in it! That man left me wishing I would have listened a little better in Spanish class and learned how to say “Fuck You Pedro” in a way he could understand it!
The second tech I had hopes for. The way he swaggered into my home,speaking my language and assuring me that my internet problems would soon be over. I bought into it,hook,line and sinker. Until an hour after he left my connection went completely dead. UGH!
I wanted to scream,but more than anything I wanted my internet back,slash that, I NEEDED my internet back. Without it these last couple of weeks, I had no idea what to do with myself. It’s been so long that I’ve been an internet junkie ,I can’t recall what I use to do with my time before it.
The first week while I waited patiently for Pedro’s arrival, I kept myself in denial. I thought surely if I pressed the Firefox button harder that miraculously my precious internet would appear,and honestly a couple of times that did work. When it would,it would throw me into a typing frenzy, typing in all my favorite websites,and opening numerous tabs to hold them all. I would start to feel like life was going back to normal,smiling and feeling content,only to have that happiness ripped from me when the page would refresh and come back up with “SERVER NOT FOUND”! Every time that would happen, I would want to hit someone or something,and after a couple of days the server wasn’t the only thing that couldn’t be found. My family,and small animals were no where to be found either.
Feeling lonely and trying to come to terms with the fact that my internet was gone, I decided to try and remember what I use to do B.I (before internet). It all seemed like such a distant memory, like when I use to leave my house,or talk to people using my mouth and not a keyboard. Surely these things had to be so outdated and useless now. I really felt like Helen Keller as  I tried to go back to the olden days and reacquaint myself with things and people outside my virtual world.Praying the whole time,that a Anne Sullivan type would come in and teach me how to live in this strange world , a world that certainly did not get my humor like my virtual world did.
The sadness of the whole situation was about to overwhelm me,when there was a knock at the door,and minutes later my prayers were answered. For who stood behind that door was a cable guy that actually KNEW what he was doing,and restored my internet service and my life back to normal. )

Gifts Of Perfection!

I know that Christmas was a few weeks ago and everyone has moved on to focus on the new year,but I got a couple of presents this Christmas that I feel deserve blog recognition. These gifts are extremely precious to me, because not only do they show the purchaser put in a lot of time and thought into picking it out,but also because I finally got two items that I have always wanted for my very own.
This first “gift” came from an unlikely source,one that I was sure I hid my freaky side from. So you can just imagine my surprise when my mother in law took me aside Christmas eve and said ” I know we told everyone that we weren’t going to buy gifts this year,but when I saw this ,I thought of you and had to buy it.” Delighted and puzzled by her thoughtfulness I unwrapped the gift with rocket speed. The wrapping paper hadn’t even had time to hit the floor before my eyes beheld the most beautiful porcelain cock right in my hands. Misreading my delight for horror,she turned to me and said ” Now if you don’t like it, you can always re-gift it “,to which I replied ” NO WAY ! Are you kidding me, I love it, and beside there is always room for more cock in everyone’s life!” and I meant it.
Driving home that night with my new cock nestled gently in my lap, I was certain I had just received the best gift ever, and one that just really sings out I would be perfect for Thinkinfyou.  I truly thought Christmas was going to be all down hill from there, at least present wise ,surely, no one could outdo my mother in law’s cockerific gift. So when my sister came bearing gifts on Christmas day, I unwrapped her present halfheartedly expecting a last minute gift set to be hiding underneath the paper,but I was way off.  What was wrapped in that shiny Santa Claus wrapping paper was the gift that keeps on giving , a petri dish with three adorable stuffed Herpes in it. I looked at her with joyful tears in my eyes and cried “How did you know?” But before she could answer ,I hugged her tight and said, “I never thought there would be a day that my sister would give me herpes.Thank you, for thinking of me!” to which she just smiled and said ” I knew you of all people, would really enjoy stuffed Herpes.” and she was right. I mean, what really says I love you more a case of Herpes? I’ll tell you now, nothing does. It really is the most thoughtful and considerate gift you could give anyone,and one that they will never forget….I know I won’t!And now I’m just keeping my fingers crossed, that maybe I’ll receive a case of Chlamydia for my birthday…a girl can dream can’t she!?!

The Men of My Dreams

If any of you have been following Thinkinfyou for over a year, you know that I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. No, I see coming up with one as just a way of warning yourself of the new year’s failure you’ve got ahead of you.Plus, honestly, I’ve never found myself at this time of the year having a problem that I felt was worthy enough of wanting to change, I happen to be happy with my warped fucked up habits,and quirks…they are what makes me unique! But then I went to sleep last night and everything changed. I woke up realizing that my sub conscious could use A LOT of help and fast!

Now if you can remember when I did a post on wet dreams, I was very honest with you about only having one wet dream in my life thus far, and the honor of Thinkinfyou’s wet dream devirginizer went to Sean Connery in all his Scottish glory.That dream was a good dream but yet slightly disturbing,for as I explained before I’ve never been  sexually attracted to geriatric men,at least not knowingly. I didn’t think much about it after it was over,and went on dreaming of flowers and butterflies,and ax carrying masked men chasing me trying to slice me in two…you know normal stuff. But last night as I laid my head down to slumber,preparing myself to run for my life, I entered a dream where there were no masks.No,there was only me and Kenny Rogers,standing in the middle of a kitchen somewhere .At first I was a little confused because it wasn’t the Kenny of today, who’s face really does look like a mask with really small eye holes.
No,this Kenny was the one that I remember from my youth, you know the one that looked like an older Grizzly Adams without the talent of being able to tame a grizzly bear,but made up for it by infiltrating the airways during late seventies and early eighties with hits like “The Gambler” and “ Islands In The Stream”.
Anyways, when that Kenny entered my dream,he came up behind me pressing what I thought was his microphone into my lower back.Immediately, I got nervous thinking he was going to want me to sing a duet with him…and even in my dreams ,I know I can’t sing. So I went to turn to tell him of my vocal inabilities ,when he grab my arm and whispered into my ear something like

“You got to know when to do ‘em, know when to screw ‘em,
Know when to pump away and know when to cum.
You never mount your honey when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for mountin’ when this dream is done.”

And for some reason these lyrics were like mood music to my ears. I turn into his embrace and sang out with the vocals of a song bird and said ” My man in my dreams, that is what you are,

I’ll let you in between, though it feels so wrong,

Nail away on me, with your old man dong,

but don’t you die on me old man,uh uh. Cause I’ll smother under your blubber ,uh huh.”

Needless to say after those beautiful loving lines were uttered from my mouth,we made sweet, sweet love,the kind that love songs are made from.Then sadly, seconds later I woke up ,satisfied,but  knowing I had a HUGE problem , but no idea how to rectify it. Surely there aren’t books out there to teach someone how not to whore themselves out to the geriatric in their dreams.Feeling like a freak,I laid there in my puddle and thought, until  I heard the voice of the Gambler coming to me again,for a minute I thought I had dozed off and was about to go for round two ,but my eyes were wide open and I could still hear him singing, although the tune was a little different this time. He sang ,

“The gambler wants you to  know, that you’re what he was deprivin’
He want you to ho away, every time you sleep.
‘Cause he thinks you’re  a winner , so don’t think you’re a loser,
And he promises he won’t die on you, the next time that you sleep.”

And when he’d finished speakin’, I laid back on my pillow, came to terms with my freakness, and faded off to sleep. Then somewhere in my dreams, the gambler, he broke in again. And in our final round, I found a disgrace that I might keep.

Giving A Hand To The Masses!

The Christmas season has been in full swing here in Thinkinfyouland,and unfortunately has not left me with much time to dig into my sick mind and put my thoughts on display here. Today though I came across something that I couldn’t pass up posting. Being the “giver” I am, it just wouldn’t be right not to help you,my loyal readers with your last minute gift buying. Because if you’re anything like me (Lord help you), you still have someone on your list that you just can’t seem to find that special something  that will bring a smile to their face. So ladies and gentlemen I give you the perfect gift for that HARD to please someone in your life…

One look at this commercial and I knew that it would be handjobs for all of my loved ones this Christmas! And now I know that without a doubt it will be the happiest Christmas EVER! So I urge you with just days left until the blessed day, take a cue from Thinkinfyou and give your loved ones the gift that keeps on giving…The Handjob! No need to thank me,just enjoy!

Merry Christmas!!

Sick Songs of the Season

Hold on to your pants  dear readers,because  I,the normally pessimistic Thinkinfyou have found myself really into the Christmas spirit this year. Seriously, I don’t know what happened ,but every morning I wake up  in a festive mood wanting to bake cookies,and decorate everything in sight with tinsel. And  NO, I haven’t been huffing, sniffing,smoking,or drinking anything! I’ve just been feeling overly jolly lately,and YES, that is the first time  that I’ve ever described myself as “jolly”and I think I like it. Jolly is the perfect word right now for my demeanor,so much so that I believe  if I was only just a few inches shorter I would be scouted out to become one of Santa’s elves by Santa himself.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Unfortunately my jolly mood hasn’t seemed to have transferred on to the masses. Everywhere I go I see nasty,mean,bitter people that wouldn’t know jolliness if you shoved some up their ass. It’s sad really,and it got me wondering, why is it so hard for most to get into the season?

Then it came to me,maybe it’s the Christmas music that floats through the air and is inescapable whenever you leave your home this time of year that’s to blame. Honestly,if you really listen to a lot of the Christmas classics the message can be misconstrued and be taken as anything but jolly.

Take for instance, the classic ” I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. Surely nobody really wants to sing the praises of their mother’s whoring ways,fondling, and sucking face with old men no matter who they are. It  just isn’t something you want to sing about. Plus,it really isn’t a laugh when Daddy walks in and sees Mommy kissing Santa Claus,that’s usually when Daddy leaves,and doesn’t come back.So if this song brings up some of these bad memories of Christmases past,you might want to try and find the instrumental version of this classic. Although ,I’m not sure if that will be enough because you’ll still  have to  hear that old man yelling “Ho,Ho,Ho”,and know he’s talking about your mom…You might just want to check out Judaism to solve this problem.
This next classic has always struck me wrong,and I can totally see why it would dampen  spirits. To me,“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” always seemed  like a cover up song,so nobody had to  know that “Grandma” was really a huge drunk that dabbled in bestiality,and went a little too far with it.” There were hoof prints on her forehead”,that just says to me she was asking for it! No wonder Grandpa took it so well,I’m sure he was glad he didn’t have to compete with big bucks anymore. Nasty,dirty Grandma,even a holiday song couldn’t halt the imagines that your filthy habits left behind. I say scrap this song altogether!
Finally I give you a song that most likely responsible for many horrible gifts that you’ve received over the years.  “The Twelve Days Of Christmas” I believe should be changed if it is  to be played at all during the Christmas season. Really,who the hell wants a Partridge in a pear tree for Christmas,especially from their true love!?! Men, let me give you a huge piece of advice, do not listen to this song before going shopping for the lovely lady in your life because although nine ladies dancing might be your idea of the perfect present , trust me she won’t feel the same and you’ll probably receive a nice set of blue balls in return for your thoughtfulness.
I could go on and on dissecting Christmas songs for what they really say,from watching your beloved snowman die a horrible death, to the song where mean reindeer made fun of a little reindeer with a severe but useful birth defect,but I won’t because I want to stay jolly,at least for the season.

Do You Believe?

With Thanksgiving out of the way and gone like most of the leftovers from the feast,it’s on to the Christmas season here in the Thinkinfyou household,and I couldn’t be more excited. Excited because I believe Christmas time is the one time of the year it’s OK to have an overactive imagination and not have to worry about being committed into a psych ward for it.

There is nothing better in my eyes than watching people young and old getting caught up in the spirit of the season ,and opening their imaginations up so that the idea of a jolly old fat man,who spends most of his time with midgets and reindeer,isn’t considered some sort of freak that they warn their children to stay away from. No, thanks to the power of imagination this jolly old fat man is revered and treasured so much that he is allowed to come into our homes in the middle of the night, eat our cookies, and drink our milk,just as long as he leaves us presents galore. Not a bad trade off if you ask me,but I’ve always LOVED the idea of Santa Claus,and it has nothing to do with my fascination with midgets either(except for the ones with big heads and short arms,they get me every time). No, for as long as I can remember I couldn’t wait till Christmas eve to lay out my cookies and extra large glass of milk for Santa along with a well written letter explaining why I hadn’t been as good as I could have been ,and going on to say that if he would forgive my minor infractions and leave me more presents than my sister, I’d promise to try harder to be better next year…it worked like a charm for years.

Even when I became an adult and had children of my own, I still found myself excited on Christmas eve helping them put out their cookies and proofreading their apology letters for Saint Nick. You see, it didn’t matter if I had to play a bigger part helping their imaginations come to life, the magic was still there. Trust me, there is nothing more awe-inspiring than a child’s face on Christmas morning.

With my children being older now,and totally against the idea of going to the mall to sit on some old man in a bad Santa suit’s lap, I was thrilled that my siblings had started families of their own so there would be young children with vivid imaginations that I could play with during the Christmas holidays. Unfortunately last night when I called my older sister,(the one that I asked for more presents than)and asked her what her two beautiful six and four year old boys were asking Santa for for Christmas,she proceeded to tell me that they don’t do Santa Claus. Within those words I was crushed. WHAT?!?! NO SANTA CLAUS!! No, the holiday she said is all about Jesus and his birthday,so her boys will get three gifts just like Jesus got on his birthday,this was about the point that I started thinking, “Where the fuck can I get my hands on some myrrh?!?”
Don’t get me wrong I realize that Jesus is the reason for the season and I’ve made sure to make his birth a big part of our Christmas celebration over the years,but I never thought that Jesus would mind sharing his birthday with a jolly fat man that’s job is to bring a little joy to the people of the world. In fact, I would bet that Jesus wishes more people would be happy,give selflessly to others, and be trusting enough to take a cookie from a stranger…  you know, like Santa Claus.