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Learning Lessons The HARD Way

July 10, 2010

I don’t know if many of you realize this but as a mother I am pretty cool at handling any situation thrown my way. And trust me  my children try their damnedest to knock me off my game,but I always win NO CONTEST, that is  until yesterday. You see yesterday under no fault of my children or my own, I was put in a situation that left me befuddled and my children laughing.

It was about two o’clock,and my family and I were heading home from being out all morning. I was tired and ready to just get home,so of course I was off a little,and that is exactly when I got taken down. We were sitting at the stop light two lights  before the  light we needed to turn into our neighborhood,when as luck would have it, a tiny Chevy Cavalier pull up beside my SUV. The kids and I were staring out the window aimlessly,when my eye caught movement in the car below my window. The movement was very rhythmic and non stop so I had no other choice than look. It took a couple seconds to focus on the movement and a couple more to realize that the guy driving the car did NOT have an unruly Siamese twin sprouting out of his crotch. NO, this guy was laid back enjoying the pleasure of his lady friend giving him some mouth lovin.
Horrified and not sure I could believe my eyes, I jolted up in the seat and immediately tried to talk to my husband with my eyes saying, “Don’t let the kids catch on to what you’re doing, but look over at this car next to me. Am I seeing right? Is that girl stuck under the steering wheel against her will ,or is she doing what I think she’s doing!?! ” Unfortunately,before my husband could understand what my eyes said,my 14 yr. old daughter noticed the strange movement in the car next to us. Before I could run interference ,everyone in the car was piled over to my side and fighting to look out the window. Then, there was about a minute of questions that seem to be coming at me so fast there was no way I could come up with creative answers quick enough.

Now with my children being 14 and 12 respectively, I have taken the time to talk to them and answered their questions about sex. Talking about sex with them doesn’t freak me out. In fact , I feel it’s my job to educate them about sex,and have handled that part of parenting like a champ. Yesterday though, I fumbled that ball,and my children took that opportunity to mess with me unmercifully. Laughing and asking questions like “Mom does that woman have a face? ” “What is she doing?” “Isn’t she going to choke?”   “Do you think his penis is flavored?” “Do you think she is trying to set a World Record?”  “Are there even World Records for that stuff?”  and many more. All the while I was trying to change the subject, yelling at them about unbuckling their seat belts,and screaming about the dangers of not wearing their seat belts. That didn’t work,they were watching their mother crumble under the pressure,and loving it.

I decided to lie creatively by saying  ” Well kids maybe his penis stopped breathing and she is trying to give it mouth to penis resuscitation. Now sit your asses back down,and buckle up!” but that just made the laughter worse. So I decide to start answering their questions of plenty as quick as I could yelling out,  “Probably an ugly one because only ugly girls do that stuff.”  “She is being a whore.” “I hope she does.”  “Like a lollipop the flavor doesn’t last that long.”  “In my eyes she already has.”  Praying for the light to change  the whole time and when it did, I sped up my car until I was able to pass the mouth fuckers that caused my mothering fail,got in front of them and slammed on my brakes until I could see fear in all the sets of eyes  behind me , in my car and in theirs. I believe a lesson was learned by all!

45 comments

  1. Your hubs didn’t suggest that you repeat the performance when you got home did he? I mean as long as the kids stayed buckled up…


    • Uh,yeah, that’s why he wasn’t much help! He was too busy whispering to me ” Remember the good old days”.


  2. Imagine that – that’s a different kind of hybrid – a car with a stick shift AND a sticky shaft.


    • YUCK! Thanks for the visual,Nonamedufus!


  3. I think arranging a demonstration of mobile fellatio to educate your offspring is admirable.

    The logisitcs alone are impressive.


    • Oh believe me,Jules, this wasn’t arranged!


  4. It was the red light district I suppose …….


    • Nope,DP! It was two o’clock in the afternoon probably a mile away from a school!


  5. EEEWWWWW!


    • Exactly,Noe Noe!


  6. Hey, in today’s hectic world you gotta grab your satisfaction where and whenever possible. Nothing like cruising through town in bumper to bumper traffic with nothing else to to do but have a little rush hour traffic sex. You know what I’m talkin’ about? Hell, I thought everyone did it. At least, that’s the way it is in the Big City.


    • Maybe you could become the spokesman for vehicular fellatio ,Tony.


  7. Some folks believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger lost a testicle from steroid use.

    I think it’s from someone deliberately hitting the brakes in the vehicle in front of his SUV while Maria Schreiber was engaged in road head.

    The painful hummer within a Hummer incident.


    • Oh that’s not a pretty visual at all,Jeremy!


  8. […] Learning Lessons The HARD Way « ThinkinFyou […]


  9. Wow, the fuck face mixed with the oh fuck! face must have mesmerized you…

    BTW in case you didn’t know Always Sunny is on from 9 to 11 on comedy central on mondays now!

    WILDCARD BITCHES!


    • Oh, I knew,FS. I’ve been tuned in every Monday night,still waiting for new episodes though!


  10. OUCH! Hope they had ‘Bruise Control’ engaged…..


    • LOL! Nice one,Gitwizard!


  11. Thanks for sharing.


    • No problem!


  12. OMG that is so awkward. Did you report the people who were doing it? You handled the situation as best as you could.

    And unfortunately, there are World Records for that sort of thing. :(


    • No, I didn’t report them,Justin. I’m sure her teeth biting down was enough for him and her when I hit my brakes!


  13. Isn’t it the movie “Parenthood” where they get into an accident because of doing that in the car?

    Anyway, that’s a great story. I think you reacted as best you could and better than I would have. LOL.

    I laughed when your husband said “remember the good old days.” Nice!


    • I totally forgot about that,TCC! Parenthood was such a great movie!


  14. Perhaps Oprah should add this as an amendment to her current no texting in the car crusade…


    • Oh I hope it’s not that much of a problem,VE.


  15. Thanks again and looking forward for your post on making more.


  16. Hi found your content to be very interesting appreciate the good work you doing…


    • Thank you!


  17. TIFFANY FAITH UBUNTUU!!! Where in the hell are you?


    • Half the time I can’t answer that question myself,FS. How have you been? I need to get over to your blog!


      • You don’t NEED to come to my blog… I just wanted to stop by and say hi because it seems like forever since you’ve been around.

        Are you up to your knees in soap orders?

        I like to imagine your house has been turned into a sweatshop! It’s always sunny style!

        http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=33273723


      • I has been forever,FS! I did stop by your blog though! As for the sweat shop, I wish it was,unfortunately I have yet to come across any illegals to con into working for me!


  18. You have a nice design and layout of this blogs.


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    • Thanks for the info,Eric!


  20. OMG… Don’t feel too bad, I’d have flubbed this one as well.. There is a time and place for that shit and mid-day in a suburban area is not it.. I hope she bit him as you slammed your brakes…LOL


    • Me too,Nipster!


  21. “Do you think his penis is flavored?”

    muahahahahhahahaha


    • :o)


  22. It was the red light district I suppose ……


  23. You put up a nice post, i am so glad to left comment on this. This has been a so interesting read. Thanks for such a nice sharing


  24. Excellent and helpful post


  25. OMG.. LOL.. that’s hysterical.. not the incident itself (As a mother I know we never want our children subjected to that) but your answers were awesome. I do not consider this a fail.. I think you rolled with the punches and just kept going.. Your kids are going to look back at that memory years from now and crack up.. they are going to love that their mom just laughed if off w/ them..



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